Crumbs: a gigantic fortune file from elsewhere part 5 %% Reincarnation is a pleasant surprise. %% Reincarnation? There is such a thing. What could be more Mozartian than the Nutcracker Suite? -- Edward Abbey %% Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but to get along. -- C,S & N %% Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), "The Importance of Being Earnest", 1895 %% Relax! And assume the position! %% Relax, Julie. Everyone will understand. -- Romeo %% Relentless Cookout %% Reliable information is a must for successful planning. -- C. Columbus %% Religion ... is the opium of the masses. -- Karl Marx (1818-1883), "Critique of the Hegelian Philosophy of Right", 1844 %% Religion and Morality are the firmest foundations of the duties of men and women. -- Alexander Hamilton %% Religion is a job. %% Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks. %% Religion is the best armor that a man can have, but it is the worst cloak. -- Bunyan %% Religion is the opiate of the masses. -- lenin Opiates are the religion of the masses. -- eag %% Religion is the soul of soulless conditions, the heart of a heartless world, the opium of the people. -- Karl Marx (1818-1883) %% Religion makes beauty enchanting, And even where beauty is wanting, The temper and mind, Religion-refined, Will shine through the veil with sweet lustre. %% Religions are the great fairy tales of conscience. -- George Santayana (1863-1952) %% Religions tend to disappear with man's good fortune. -- Raymond Queneau, "A Model History" %% Religious intolerance is getting to be a greater problem in this country. I understand some Unitarians were caught burning question marks on people's front lawns. %% Relying on a dog might turn you in a dog addict. %% Remark made by Bertrand Meyer (inventer of the Eiffel language) at a panel discussion at OOPSLA '89: "COBOL programmers are destined to code COBOL for the rest of their lives, and thereafter." %% Remarriage: The triumph of hope over experience. %% Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is when he never used it. -- Dave Barry %% Remember - if you drink like a fish, don't drive - SWIM. %% Remember - no matter where you go - there you are. -- Buckaroo Banzai %% Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. %% Remember Darwin; building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice. %% Remember Gummidge's Law and you will never be found out. %% Remember all ye that existence is pure joy; that all the sorrows are but as shadows; they pass & are done; but there is that which remains. %% Remember how I kept you waiting when it was my turn to be the guard. %% Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. -- Hans Liepmann %% Remember that time in office is money in the campaign fund. -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac %% Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. %% Remember the Finagle laws. The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. The universe is hostile. -- Louis Wu "Ringworld" %% Remember the bookkeeper Perched on his stool Green eyeshade tilted Quill for a tool? He wasn't too fast But nowhere in town Did you hear the excuse "Our computer is down." %% Remember the good old days where you decided which candidate to vote for by asking who would do the most good? Now you ask who will do the least harm. %% Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? %% Remember the... the... uhh..... %% Remember thee Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat In this distracted globe. Remember thee! Yea, from the table of my memory I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, That youth and observation copied there. -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet", I : v : 95 %% Remember there's an if in the middle of life. %% Remember to say hello to your bank teller. %% Remember to share good fortune as well as bad with your friends. %% Remember your place, programmer, that way you may keep your head. %% Remember, I know more than you do. %% Remember, Yanks, if it wasn't for us British you'd all have been Spanish. %% Remember, an int is not always 16 bits. I'm not sure, but if the 80386 is one step closer to Intel's slugfest with the CPU curve that is asymptotically approaching a real machine, perhaps an int has been implemented as 32 bits by some Unix vendors...? -- Derek Terveer %% Remember, if you do it yourself, sooner or later you'll need a bigger hammer. %% Remember, peasants, it's not a disgrace to be poor, only to dress like it! -- Zorro, the Gay Blade %% Remember, the more engineering projects there are, the more products there will be. -- Richard F. Moore %% Remember, there are two kinds of ships ... submarines, and targets. %% Remember, today could just as easily be the LAST day of the rest of your life. -- Solomon Short %% Remember, when Hitler's war ended, there were the Nuremberg trials. -- President George Bush, October 1990 %% Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime, champagne is the best tenderizer. %% Remember, you know more than I do. %% Remember... like.. your doen' everyone a favor man when you go lawyer hunten'. Cause... like they destroy valuable crops and stuff... you know if money grew on trees man lawyers would have ... like... long necks like gerafs... no man ... they would ... honest dude... %% Remember: The line eater is your friend. %% Remember: The ocean is full of water. Why? We'll probably never know. %% Remember: every downhill has its uphill. %% Remember: use logout to logout. %% Remembering is for those who have forgotten. -- Chinese proverb %% Remind me to tell you sometime about the concept of the human ego. %% Remorse disappears. Men believe him. Changing the form of government brings good fortune. %% Remorse disappears. If you lose your horse, do not run after it; It will come back of its own accord. When you see evil people, Guard yourself against mistakes. %% Remorse disappears. Take not gain and loss to heart. Undertakings bring good fortune. Everything serves to further. %% Remorse disappears. The companion bites his way through the wrappings. If one goes to him, How could it be a mistake? %% Remorse vanishes. During the hunt Three kinds of game are caught. %% Removing the straw that broke the camel's back does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again. %% Render unto Caesar if line 54 is larger than line 62. %% Renegade Time Lady %% Renegade Time Lord %% Renfield! I told you never to call me during the daytime! You know how the sunlight burns! %% Repeal inhibition!! %% Repeal the law of gravity!! %% Repeated penetration. Humiliation. %% Repeated return. Danger. No blame. %% Repentance is not so much remorse for what we have done as the fear of the consequences. -- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 1665 %% Repetition of the Abysmal. In the abyss one falls into a pit. Misfortune. %% Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function. %% Replace with same type. %% Reply hazy, ask again later. %% Reply to Plato: I seen horses I seen cows I haint never yet seen horsiness nor that there bovinity neither. -- Edward Abbey %% Reporters do it for the sensation it causes. %% Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, and relatively complex stories every day--while my own deadline fell every two weeks--but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland.... On the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. -- H. S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" %% Representative government has broken down. Our politicians represent not the people who vote for them but the commercial interests who finance their election campaigns. We have the best politicians that money can buy. -- Edward Abbey %% Reproduction strictly prohibited. %% Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. %% Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out. %% Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs. %% Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. Democrats make up plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. The remainder is thrown out. Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats. -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson %% Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats. %% Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage. %% Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't. %% Republicans usually wear hats and clean their paint brushes. %% Reputation is for Time. Character is for Eternity. %% Reputation: what others are not thinking about you. %% Reputations are fine up to a point. After that they become a pain! -- D. Juan %% Research has shown that breathing air can cause you to die of cancer. There is a 100% correlation. People who have died of cancer always have breathed air. %% Research is reading two books that have never been read in order to write a third that will never be read. %% Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works you're a hero; if it doesn't, well--nobody else has done it yet either, so you're still a valiant nerd. %% Research scientists are so wrapped up in their own narrow endeavors that they cannot possibly see the whole picture of anything, including their own research. %% Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh claim to have located the "Gullibility Center" of the brain, and outline an operation in which a neurosurgeon can go into the brain and lower the gullibility of a person, leaving the rest of the brain unaltered. If you believe this, then you are a very gullible person and ought to consider having the operation done. %% Researchers do it with control. %% Researchers have discovered that female praying mantises don't always bite off the male's head before mating. It seems that females in previous studies were simply underfed -- the hunger overcame the lure of romance. Moral for males: take the lady out to dinner if you don't want her to bite your head off when you propose. %% Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm) %% Resistance is useless (if less than 1 ohm) %% Resistance is useless. -- Doctor, Invasion of Time %% Resolute conduct. Perseverance with awareness of danger. %% Resolved, that the 67th General Convention affirm the glorious ability of God to create in any manner, whether men understand it or not, and in this affirmation reject the limited insight and rigid dogmatism of the "Creationist" movement... -- from a 1982 resolution of the Episcopal Church %% Resolved, that the women of this nation in 1876, have greater cause for discontent, rebellion and revolution than the men of 1776. -- Susan B. Anthony %% Resorting to lawyers is proof of failure. -- Solomon Short %% Respectable men and women content with good and easy living are missing some of the most important things in life. Unless you give yourself to some great cause you haven't even begun to live. -- William P. Merrill %% Response From: coleman@baleen.cs.ucla.edu (Michael Coleman) To the question: is there a COBOL mode for GNU emacs: Isn't it pitiful when the editor you are using is a better programming environment than the *language* you are using?? BTW, there is a COBOL and a Fortran mode. %% Rest assured that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. %% Rest is the sweet sauce of labor. -- Plutarch %% Restaurant package, not for resale. %% Restaurant by Jeremy Michael Mullen In Los Angeles, there was this cafe I went there every night The owner was a poet He always put up the poem of the day In front of the building And the food was great Since we have much in common I was wondering Did you go there also? %% Restlessness as an enduring condition brings misfortune. %% Restrain thy mind, and let mildness ever attend thy tongue. -- Theognis %% Restriction of free thought and free speech is the most dangerous of all subversions. It is the one un-American act that could most easily defeat us. -- Justice William O. Douglas (1898-1980) %% Retirement should be based on the tread, not the mileage. %% Retreat. Success. In what is small, perseverance furthers. %% Return from a short distance. No need for remorse. Great good fortune. %% Return to sender, address unknown. %% Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. %% Return to the way. How could there be blame in this? Good fortune. %% Return((usBirdInHand = 2 * InTheBush())); %% Return. Success. Going out and coming in without error. Friends come without blame. To and Fro goes the way. On the seventh day comes return. It furthers one to have somewhere to go. %% Reunite Gondawanaland!!! %% Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? Bobby: Slow down. Rev. Jim: What ... does ... an ... amber ... light ... mean? Bobby: Slow down. Rev. Jim: What .... does .... an .... amber .... light.... %% Revenge is a dish best served cold...and it is very cold in space. %% Revenge is a form of nostalgia. %% Revenge is sleeping with your enemies wife. Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay. %% Revenge is the answer. %% Reverence is an attitude of deepest respect and amazement toward deity. -- L. Tom Perry, Oct. 1990 %% Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow. %% Revolution. On your own day You are believed. Supreme success. Furthering through perseverance. Remorse disappears. %% Rewards are usually anti-climatic -- the fun is in the doing. %% Rhode's Corollary to Hoare's Law: Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling to be free. %% Rich people will travel great distances to look at poor people. %% Rich, be not exalted; poor, be not dejected. -- Cleobulus %% Richard Hell and the Voidoids %% Richard Nixon Tells Of Night Of Terror With Princess Diana: 'She Threatened Me With Pen Knife'. ...Exclusive Pictures Inside. %% Richard Nixon means never having to say you're sorry %% Riches cover a multitude of woes. -- Menander %% Rick promised to gently deflower A maiden who lived on South Gower. (The truth is, he spread Her legs wide on the bed, And finished her off in an hour.) %% Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?" Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is going on here." Croupier (handing money to Renault): "Your winnings, sir." Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much." -- Casablanca %% Ridiculous racoon! %% Riffle West Virginia is so small that the Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. %% Right you are if you say you are -- obscurely. -- TIME, 30-Dec-77 %% Righteeoh! %% Righteous indignation is bravery in a closet. -- John Francis Putnam (1964) %% Rights are not subject to negotiation. -- Jeff Chan, chan@shell.portal.com %% Ring around the collar. %% Rings and jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts. -- Emmerson %% Rita Rudner says she wasn't popular as a child. She only had two friends. They were both imaginary. They played with each other. %% Ritchie's Rule: (1) Everything has some value-if you use the right currency. (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job. (3) Search and ye shall find-but make sure it was lost. %% Robbers do it under arms. %% Robin Williams on engineering majors: "We don't get laid much, but we're building the future." %% Robin's Rules of Marketing: 1) Your share of the market is really lower than you think. 2) Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of lunch hour. 3) The combined market position goals of all competitors always totals at least 150%. 4) The existence of a market does not ensure the existence of a customer. 5) Beware of alleged needs that have no market. 6) The competition really can have lower prices. 7) The number of competitors never declines. 8) Secret negotiations are usually neither. 9) If the customer wants vanilla, give him vanilla. 10) If the customer buys lunch, you've lost the order. %% Robots do it mechanically. %% Rock and roll Hoochy-koo; lawdy mama, light my fuse! -- Rick Derringer %% Rock-a-bye baby, in the tree top, When the wind blows, the cradle will rock, When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall And down will come baby, cradle and all. (What kind of cradle am I?) A bird's nest %% Rocks have been shaken from their solid base, but what shall move a firm and dauntless mind? -- Joanna Baillie %% Rocks, like louseworts and snail darters and pupfish and 3rd-world black, lesbian, militant poets, have rights, too. Especially the right to exist. -- Edward Abbey %% Rodney, please go away! %% Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals. %% Roll over, Beethoven. Tell Tchaikovsky the news. %% Roll the window and let the wind blow back your hair, so you're sacred and you're thinking that maybe you're not that young anymore. %% Romanticism was more than merely an alternative to a sterile classicism; romanticism made possible, especially in art, a great expansion of the human consciousness. -- Edward Abbey %% Rome didn't fall in a day either. -- Solomon Short %% Rome was not built in one day. -- John Heywood %% Rome wasn't burnt in a day. %% Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still, Juliet was waiting with a safety net, Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet". -- Elvis Costello %% Ronald McClanahan, 41, was arrested in September when he tried to rob a Columbia, Mo., gun shop with a knife. He tried to open the electronic cash register by randomly pushing buttons, but then became frustrated and tried to carry it away until the cord got caught, yanking him to the floor. When an employee approached with a shotgun, McClanahan first lay perfectly still, then bolted up, yelling, "Go ahead and shoot me," then tried to lug the cash register out again. Then he dropped it so he could flee, but when the drawer broke open, he stopped to grab some money. As he ran for the exit, gun-wielding employees blocked him. When police arrived, they had to use force to loosen his grip on the money. %% Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo %% Roofers do it up on top. %% Roosters do it coquettishly. %% Roosters: The cry of the male chicken is the most barbaric yawp in all of nature. -- Edward Abbey %% Rose at an instant, learn'd, play'd, eat together; And wheresoe'er we went, like Juno's swans, Still we went coupled, and inseparable. -- William Shakespeare %% Rose-colored glasses are never made in bifocals. Nobody wants to read the small print in dreams. -- Ann Landers %% Roses are red, Violet's are blue, And mine are white. %% Roses are red, and violets are too expensive for you. %% Roses are red, violets are blue, Rhymes can be typeset with BoXes and glue. -- the TeXBook %% Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic I AM....Listen, bud, I'm telling you I'm schizo.... Can you believe this, Joe, he doesn't think I'm schizo... %% Roses are red, Violets are blue, Some poems rhyme, But this one doesn't. %% Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ. %% Roses red and violets blew and all the sweetest flowers that in the forrest grew -- Edmund Spenser %% Rosie Rex & The Cuchifritos %% Ross Perot, Greek for "None of the Above..." %% Rotate your tires. %% Rothschild's Hypothesis: The average lifetime of a roll of toilet paper in a public restroom is forty years, ending 5 minutes before you enter the stall. %% Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens %% Rotten wood can not be carved. -- Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9) %% Rough stone steps lead up the dome. %% Rough work, iconoclasm, but the only way to get at truth. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. (1809-1894) %% Round as a ball, flat as a board, The shining alter of the Lupian Lords, Pearl in the sea, Jewel on black velvet, Changing yet never changed. The moon %% Round as a biscuit, busy as a bee prettiest little thing, I ever did see. A watch %% Round as a biscuit, deep as a cup, Yet all the world's oceans, Can't fill it up? A sieve %% Round as an apple, yellow as gold With more things in it than you're years old? A pumpkin %% Round as an apple Black as a bear Tell me this riddle Or I'll pull out your hair. An iron teakettle %% Round, round, get around. I've gotten round! %% Row (3x) that boat gently down the stream, Charon (4x), death is but a dream. %% Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream... %% Rowe's Rule: The odds are 6 to 5 that the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming express train. %% Rub her feet. %% Rubber bands have snappy endings! %% Rubbing the electric lamp is not particularly rewarding. Anyway, nothing exciting happens. %% Rudd's Discovery: You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can stay in Washington and make it there. %% Rudeness: When someone keeps right on talking while you are trying to interrupt. -- Lorraine Hoffman, "Trade Secrets" %% Rudin's Law: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. Rudin's Second Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course. %% Rugby is played by men with odd-shaped balls! %% Rugby players do it with leather balls. %% Rugby players eat their dead. %% Rule #10 of the Miss America Pageant: Liposuction is permitted, but not as part of the talent competition. -- Late Night with David Letterman %% Rule 157: "You can tell you're pushing a new frontier when all available tools are inappropriate." Corollary to Rule 157: "There's glory in using inappropriate tools." -- David Berkstresser, Quotemeister %% Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to know the answer. %% Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. %% Rule of Parenthood: Birthday parties always end in tears. -- Phyllis C. Richman %% Rule of Parenthood: Enough is never enough. -- Phyllis C. Richman %% Rule of Parenthood: The sun always rises in the baby's bedroom window. -- Phyllis C. Richman %% Rule of Parenthood: Whenever you decide to take the kids home, it is always five minutes earlier that they break into fights, tears, hysteria. -- Phyllis C. Richman %% Rules for College Survival: Avoid administrators. Skim the required reading. Skip everything else. Write vague, spineless papers. Cram. %% Rules for Good Grammar #4. 1: Don't use no double negatives. 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 4: About them sentence fragments. 5: When dangling, watch your participles. 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. 7: Just between you and i, case is important. 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. 10: Try to not ever split infinitives. 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. 13: Correct speling is essential. 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. 15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. %% Rules for Writers: Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" %% Rules of Parenthood: Birthday parties always end in tears. Enough is never enough. The sun always rises in the baby's bedroom window. Whenever you decide to take the kids home, it is always five minutes earlier that they break into fights, tears, hysteria. -- Phyllis C. Richman %% Rules! Who needs rules! %% Rules? Here are my rules: what can be done with one substance must never be done with another. No two materials are alike. No two sites on earth are alike. No two buildings have the same purpose. The purpose, the site, the material determine the shape. Nothing can be reasonable or beautiful unless it's made by one central idea, and the idea sets every detail. A building is alive, like a man. Its integrity is to follow its own truth, its one single theme, and to serve its own single purpose. A man doesn't borrow pieces of his body. A building doesn't borrow hunks of its soul. Its maker gives it the soul and every wall, window, and stairway to express it. -- Howard Roark %% Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. -- Lao Tsu %% Rumour has it that Larry Wall, author of readnews, is a finalist in the race for the Nobel Peace Prize for his invention of the kill file. %% Run amok. %% Run if you like, but try to keep your breath; Work like a man, but don't be worked to death. -- Holmes %% Run not into debt, either for wares sold, or money borrowed; be content to want things that are not of absolute necessity, rather than run up the score. -- Sir M. Hale %% Run! Run! The little blue men are coming! Run! Aarrgghh! %% Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics. %% Running a dead proc %% Running from one short wall to the other at about waist height is a wooden bar, carefully carved and drilled. This bar is pierced in two places. The first hole is in the center of the bar (and thus in the center of the room). The second is at the left end of the room (as you face opposite the entrance). Through each hole runs a wooden pole. The pole at the left end of the bar extends only about a foot %% Running together all about, The servants put each other out, Till the grave master had decreed, The more haste, ever the worst speed. -- Sir Winston S. Churchill %% Runs and runs and never walks, Great long tongue and never talks. A wagon %% Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. -- John Cameron Swayze %% Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home! %% Russians are cute. Russians are nice. Pet a Russian today. %% Rust never sleeps. -- Neil Young %% Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert. %% S&L Bailout? The newest trend in Socialism for Banks. Its motto: "From each according to his stupidity, To each according to his greed." %% S-t-r-e-t-c-h your coffee break, top it off with Juicy Fruit Gum! %% S. Thompson [Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream] %% S.N.A.F.U. EQUATIONS 1. Given a problem with N equations, there are N+1 unknowns 2. Any device needing service or replacement will be least accessible 3. Interchangeable devices won't %% SACKS: male of female. "Whut sacks are yew?" -- Texan Dictionary %% SACRED adj. Reserved for the exclusive use of something (a metaphorical extension of the standard meaning). "Accumulator 7 is sacred to the UUO handler." Often means that anyone may look at the sacred object, but clobbering it will screw whatever it is sacred to. %% SADISM: A sadist refusing to whip a masochist. %% SADO-NECRO-BESTIALITY: Beating a dead horse. %% SAFETY TIP #12: Never stare directly into the sun. Modern science has proven that the eye is like a lens, and looking directly into the sun will burn little holes in the back of your head, so never stare at the sun. %% SAFETY TIP #17: Never shave when you're angry. If you are about to shave your face, legs, or other body parts and happen to be angry, it might be a good idea to put down your razor and wait for a few minutes. This way you can avoid serious cuts and dangerous infections. %% SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21) Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue impulse you have to push her out into traffic. %% SAILORS like to be blown. %% SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues. %% SAN DIEGO: Four million people, where you can't get a good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try. %% SANTA CLAUS IS WIELDING A GUN (to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town") Oh, you better watch out You better not pry You better stay back I'm telling you why Santa Claus is wielding a gun He's making a list And checking it twice Gonna find out who He's gonna ice Santa Claus is wielding a gun Don't give him any trouble He'll blow you right away Don't give him any cause to shoot Or you'll make his Christmas Day Oh, you better believe He's packing a rod No coal in your stocking Just lead in your bod Santa Claus is wielding a gun He doesn't want cookies Or none of that crud He doesn't want milk What he wants is your blood Santa Claus is wielding a gun (Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire) He doesn't trust nobody Shot all his reindeer dead Thought Dancer was a sissy And thought Rudoulph was a red Oh, you better watch out You better not pry You better stay back I'm telling you why Santa Claus is wielding a gun %% SAR: having a tart taste. "Boy, that lemon is sar!" -- Texan Dictionary %% SATISFACTION GUARANTEED: manufacturer's, upon receipt of the check %% SAVE THE CHOCOLATE MOOSE! %% SAVINO'S MAIL-ORDER LAW: If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive your order. If you do write, you will receive your order before your tacky letter reaches the company. %% SCENARIO: An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case. %% SCHLOPENHAUER'S LAW OF ENTROPY: If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel of sewage, you have sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel of wine, you have sewage. %% SCHMIDT'S LAW Simple tasks aren't. %% SCIENCE CORNER: Today's topic is "Are We Alone in the Universe?" We can only begin to explore this question by taking you deep underground where gas deposits are normally surrounded by countless "fossils" left over from billions of years of evolution on earth. Although the stars are made entirely of gas, spectrographs have shown that they contain no fossil-like material. Thus, we may safely assume that life has not evolved on the stars. %% SCIENTISTS discovered it. %% SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance to win. You never learn. %% SCUD : Sure Could Use Directions %% SECOND LAW OF GARDENING: Fancy gizmos don't work. %% SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5. %% SENILITY: The state of mind of elderly persons with whom one happens to disagree. %% SENSE: from a past time. "It's a are sense ah had a RC!" -- Texan Dictionary %% SEP: to omit. "Everybody gets a RC sep yew!" -- Texan Dictionary %% SERENDIPITY: The process by which human knowledge is advanced. %% SF Examiner's MOST IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1988: A spokesman for the California Board of Dental Examiners revealed the board's enforcement personnel carry guns because "There are some dentists out there who have a criminal kind of leaning." %% SF Examiner's MOST IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1988: In a TV interview, House of Representatives Republican leader Robert Michel bemoaned the end of black-face minstrel shows, saying, "I used to love to imitate Amos 'n Andy." %% SF Examiner's MOST IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1988: Media mogul Rupert Murdoch, whose Fox Television Network was presenting "The Late Show" hosted by comedian Arsenio Hall, was approached by Hall in the parking lot of a Los Angeles restaurant. Murdoch handed Hall his valet parking stub and said, "It's the green Jaguar." %% SHARE: n. Give in, endure humiliation. %% SHAW'S PRINCIPLE (Apple MAC Principle) If you build a machine that an idiot can use, only an idiot will want to use it %% SHIRLEY'S OBSERVATION: Most people deserve each other. %% SHOCKING EXPOSE: Illegal core dumping in Lake Erie! -- "National Computer Science Enquirer" %% SHOP OR DIE, people of Earth! [offer void where prohibited] -- Capitalists from outer space, from Justice League Int'l comics %% SHUT UP !! ...Bloody Vikings... %% SIEGE SINISTER SERVICES SYNDICATE "The Villians Nine Rig Ruin" Reputations Ruined -- Competitors Bankrupted -- Dragons Wormed -- Basements Flooded -- Wells Dried Up -- Georges Exterminated -- Contracts Executed Promptly, bargain rates on mothers-in-law -- Juries Suborned -- Stocks, Bonds, and Gallows -- Saturday Night Specials -- Houses Haunted (skilled Poltergeist at no extra charge) -- Midnight Catering to Ghouls, Vampires, & Werewolves -- Incubi & Succibi for rent by the night or by the week -- 7-year itch powder. P. S. We Also Poison Dogs %% SKINN'S LAW: Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. DAN'S COROLLARY: What this says about teachers is obvious. %% SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop. %% SLAVE: part of a garment. "It's a long slave shirt!" -- Texan Dictionary %% SLOW MEN AT WORK %% SMALL: Is it in yet? %% SMILE :-) %% SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be filed 30 days in advance. %% SNAFU %% SNAPPY REPARTEE: What you'd say if you had another chance. %% SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls. %% SOCIALISM - If you have 2 cows, you must give one away. COMMUNISM - If you have 2 cows, the government takes them both and sells you the milk. CAPITALISM - If you have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull. %% SOCIALISM - You have two cows. The government takes one to give to someone else. %% SOCIALISM: You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Give both to the government. The government gives you milk. CAPITALISM: You sell one cow and buy a bull. FACISM: You have two cows. Give milk to the government. The government sells it. NAZISM: The government shoots you and takes the cows. NEW DEALISM: The government shoots one cow, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. ANARCHISM: Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government. CONSERVATISM: Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. %% SOLOMON'S WISDOM ON CATS: The probability of a cat eating it's dinner has nothing to do with the price of the food. %% SORRELL'S INVESTMENT PRINCIPLE: Never invest in anything that eats. %% SOUDER'S LAW: Repetition does not establish validity. %% SPECIAL CHARACTER - a character which is out of the ordinary, different, a resident of Greenwich Village %% SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists. %% SPELUNKERS do it underground. %% SPINSTER: A bachelor's wife. %% SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay. %% SSDD %% SS You're too incompetent to prepare for your own retirement. [We'll confiscate a certain amount of your earnings and invest them in a sure-fire Ponzi scheme.] -- George L Roman, george@sgi.com %% STACK: A memory space used to entertain the programmers and management by overflowing or being subjected to mismatched PUSH/POPs. %% STALE: to take feloniously. "Thou shalt not stale!" -- Texan Dictionary %% STANDARDS: The principles we use to reject other people's code. %% STARS: a flight of steps. "Jes go up them stars!" -- Texan Dictionary %% STARTLING EVIDENCE: LISP came from Mars? -- "National Computer Science Enquirer" %% STATE n. Condition, situation. "What's the state of NEWIO?" "It's winning away." "What's your state?" "I'm about to gronk out." As a special case, "What's the state of the world?" (or, more silly, "State-of-world-P?") means "What's new?" or "What's going on?" %% STATISTICAL ANALYSIS: Mysterious, sometimes bizarre, manipulations performed upon the collected data of an experiment in order to obscure the fact that the results have no generalizable meaning for humanity. Commonly, computers are used, lending an additional aura of unreality to the proceedings. %% STEWARDESSES do it in the air. %% STICK: A boomerang that doesn't work. %% STODD'S RULE FOR SUCCESS: Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you do if things go wrong. %% STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN: Bust truster. %% STRATEGY: A comprehensive plan of inaction. %% STRING space corrupt? But I always use TAPE! %% STUDENTS use their heads. %% STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park elsewhere! %% STY (pronounced "sty", not spelled out) n. A pseudo-teletype, which is a two-way pipeline with a job on one end and a fake keyboard-tty on the other. Also, a standard program which provides a pipeline from its controlling tty to a pseudo-teletype (and thence to another tty, thereby providing a "sub-tty"). This is MIT terminology; the SAIL and DEC equivalent is PTY. %% SUBROUTINE: A unit of software that makes tangled code look like it isn't. Opposite of GOTO (sort of). Useful for overflowing STACKs. %% SUCCESS: Living long enough to be a burden on your children. %% SUCCESSFUL CUNNILINGUS: When you wake up the next morning with a face like a frosted doughnut. %% SUGAR DADDY: A man who can afford to raise cain. %% SUGAR VAX - Programmers cereal. %% SUNSET: Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with progressively reducing solar elevation. %% SUPDUP v. To communicate with another ARPAnet host using the SUPDUP program, which is a SUPer-DUPer TELNET talking a special display protocol used mostly in talking to ITS sites. Sometimes abbreviated to SD. %% SUPERMARKET HELL 1: they are out of everything you need. "we should be getting it tomorrow." 2: every single product has a wierd name you've never seen. (GLICK household cleaner, TTTENSE PUFFS cereal) 3: no matter what line you're on, the person ahead of you must fight with the checker. "last week it was only 32 cents!" "this express line is for 10 items or less. two sixpacks counts as 12 items." %% SURGEONS are smooth operators. %% SUSHIDO the way of the tuna %% SUTIN'S LAW: The most usless computer tasks are the most fun to do. %% SVR4: the first system so open that everyone dumps their garbage there. -- Henry Spencer, henry@zoo.toronto.edu %% SWAPPED adj. From the use of secondary storage devices to implement virtual memory in computer systems. Something which is SWAPPED IN is available for immediate use in main memory, and otherwise is SWAPPED OUT. Often used metaphorically to refer to people's memories ("I read TECO ORDER every few months to keep the information swapped in.") or to their own availability ("I'll swap you in as soon as I finish looking at this other problem."). %% SWAR Space War (in one instruction) %% SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it. %% SYNTAX? Why not--they tax everything else! %% SYSOP's read minds. But QWKly, very, very QWKly! %% SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR: A person whose job it is to do everything that isn't his job. %% SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT: Works equally poorly on all systems. %% Sabbath bloody sabbath. %% Sacher's Observation: Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell. %% Sacred knowledge in the hands of fools destroys. -- The Upanishads %% Saddam Hussein still has a job. Do you? %% Saddam doesn't realize that if he doesn't get out, we're going to kick his ass out. -- President George Bush, January 1991 %% Saddam eats his Kurds %% Sadly, # can't be put in a #. %% Safety Third. %% Safety net-ism: The belief that there will always be a financial and emotional safety net to buffer life's hurts. Usually parents. -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) : Woody Allen, Andy Willams, Lee Remick, Efrem Zimbalist Jr., Eli Wallach, Cecely Tyson %% Said Crystal, who hails from Poughkeepsie: "I ball guys on top when I'm tipsy." Then we peeked in the tent Where her binge time is spent, And we found Crystal balls on a gypsy! %% Said Einstein, "I have an equation Which to some may seem rabelaisian: Let _V be virginity Approaching infinity; Let _P be a constant persuasion; "Let _V over _P be inverted With the square root of _M_u inserted _N times into _V ... The result, Q.E.D., Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. %% Said Francesca, "My lack of volition Is leading me straight to perdition; But I haven't the strength To go to the length Of making an act of contrition." -- Edward Gorey %% Said President Jobcock one day : "War's better than love, I should say. Instead of a virgin, It's murder I'm urgin'-- You get lots more blood that-a-way." %% Said Young James, In my opinion, there's nothing in this world beats a '52 Vincent and a redhaired girl. Now Nortons and Greeves won't do. They don't have a soul like a Vincent '52. He reached for her hand and he gave her the keys. He said I don't have any further use for these. I see angels on Ariels in leather and chrome swooping down from Heaven to carry me home. He gave her one last kiss and died And he gave her his Vincent to ride. -- "1952 Vincent Black Lightning" by Richard Thompson %% Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs, "The men like to spread my two legs, Then slip in between, If you know what I mean, And leave me the white of their eggs." %% Said a girl who upon her divan Was attacked by a virile young man: "Such excess of passion Is quite out of fashion" And she fractured his wrist with her fan. -- Edward Gorey %% Said a happy young man of Fort Drum : "What care I for this shortage of gum? My favorite chew Is a condom or two, With a goodly amount of fresh come." %% Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, "My favorite sport is coitus." But a fullback from State Made her period late, And now she has athlete's fetus %% Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, "You must seize it, and squeeze it, And tease it, and please it, For Rome wasn't built in a day." %% Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad; Of all the girls that I've had, None gave me the thrill Of real rapture until I learned how to be a tribade." %% Said a madam named Mamie La Farge To a sailor just off of a barge, "We have one girl that's dead, With a hole in her head-- Of course there's a slight extra charge." %% Said a man from Mobile, Alabama, "I'm displeased with my role in life's drama. My wife, who's a shrew, Isn't willing to screw And she's sure to outlive me, God damma." %% Said a modest young miss to de Sade, I'm simply too shy and afraid To take part in your pranks. But to show you my thanks, I'd just love to become your first aide. %% Said a moonlighting housewife in Goshen: "There are service-club guys with a notion! When the luncheon is through, And I'm game for a screw, What I like is the Rotary motion!" %% Said a swinging young chick named Lyth Whose virtue was largely a myth, "Try as hard as I can, I can't find a man That it's fun to be virtuous with." %% Said a woman with open delight, "My pubic hair's perfectly white. I admit there's a glare But the fellows don't care They locate it more quickly at night." %% Said a young man, "I'm really delighted To find that my love is requited By all twenty-eight Of the girls that I date. Were they fewer, I'd feel myself slighted." %% Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : "The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." Uhura said, "No, At night that's not so-- He doesn't withdraw for an hour." %% Said old Dick to a quite famous beauty, "I think that it's my bounden duty To give you the measure Of my tip for your pleasure --And by 'tip' I don't mean a gratuity." %% Said sneering Mohammed el-Din : "Only infidel dogs put it in. Back home in Arabia We nibble the labia Till the juice dribbles off of our chin." %% Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I got started one night when George came home and found one burning in the ashtray." %% Said the chemist: ``I'll take some dimethyloximidomesoralamide And I'll add just a dash of dimethylamidoazobensaldehyde; But if these won't mix. I'll just have to fix Up a big dose of trisodiumpholoroglucintricarboxycide.'' %% Said the doc to J. Fenimore Cooper, "There's something gone wrong with your pooper. The Indians, I fear Have attacked from the rear, While you lay in inebriate stupor." %% Said the nun as the bishop withdrew, "This must be our final adieu, For the vicar is slicker, And thicker, and quicker, And two inches longer than you." %% Said the sales rep. at P.D.A., All of us here are in great dismay. While PATRAN is neat, it just can't compete, with I-DEAS that we saw run today! %% Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. -- Heard on Noahs' ark %% Sailing: A form of mast transit. %% Sailing: The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense. -- from "Sailing" by Henry Beard and Roy Mckie %% Sailors do it ad nauseam. %% Sailors in Inland China do it seasonally. %% Sailors in ships, sail on! Even while we died, others rode out the storm. %% Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer. Saint Peter: "This fence needs some repair. I'll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it." Lucifer: "If you want it fixed, you pay for it." Saint Peter: "The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount." Lucifer: "Ha!! Where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!" %% Saint Peter was once heard to boast That he'd had all the heavenly host : The Father and Son, And then - just for fun - The hole in the Holy Ghost. %% Sainthood is acceptable only in saints. %% Salaam. %% Sale on Italian War Surplus Rifles: All in perfect condition. Never fired, dropped once. %% Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25. %% Sally sued for support; she was claimin' Phil had fathered her baby (named Damon). She said, "I ought to know," As she pointed below. "'Cause this is the box that he came in." %% Sally-Jo taught erotic correction. She told her student to get an erection. "Put your dick in my mouth. Move it north, move it south -- Now, you're getting a sense of direction!" Her instructions were very explicit, And more than a little illicit: "Please fill up my cunny With fresh clover honey, And butter my buns like a biscuit." Then wrap me up nice in a blanket, And I'll sit on your staff while you crank it. I'll put on some feathers, And laces and leathers, And wiggle my ass while you spank it." "Now that your fingers are stinky, Tie me up in some chains that are clinky. Bring in goats and a sheik, Give my titties a tweak, --- And NOW, we can start getting kinky!" "Forget what the chain and the whip meant. Just get the straps and the slings and a shipment Of high-grade Vaseline, And a strong trampoline, And all of the other equipment!" "Now, when we get all the bedsprings a-drummin', That's when I'll start a-hummin', Then quickly, my dear, Put it into my ear, So I'll hear the sound of it comin'!" "I don't know how much this is costing," Said her student, still covered with frosting. "But I can say with affinity That I've lost my virginity. Quite frankly, my dear, you're EXHAUSTING!" %% Salome had but seven veils; the artist has a thousand. -- Edward Abbey %% Sam's Axiom (1): Any line, however short, is still too long. %% Sam's Axiom (2): Work is the crabgrass of life, but money is the water that keeps it green. %% Sam: "Ethel, ya got no tits and yer all dried up ..." Ethel: "Sam, get off my back!!!!" %% Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel. %% Sample Error Message from DEC's RSTS OS for the PDP-11: "UNIBUS TIMEOUT FATAL TRAP PROGRAM LOST SORRY" %% Sample Proof: . . . 4.7 At this point we assume that x is an element of the set S, and therefore...We know this according to L. Krueger[pg. 71] Question...has anyone ever bothered to see if these type of references exist. Come on...we all know what happens when we are writing a freshman english composition and run out of sources...how better to prove your thesis with a little blurb from some obscure, and nonexistent source %% San Francisco prohibits elephants from strolling down %% Sanctus Camberus, defensor hominem, fiat voluntas tua. %% Sandwich: After Fourth Earl of Sandwich (1718-92), for whom sandwiches were made so that he could stay at the gambling table without interruptions for meals. %% Sanely applied advertising could remake the world. -- Stuart Chase (1888-?) %% Sanitized for your protection. %% Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. -- Charles van Kriedt %% Sanity is not statistical. %% Sanity is overrated. %% Sanity, n. A state of mind which immediately precedes and follows murder. %% Sank heaven for leetle curls. %% Santa Claus is watching! %% Santa Claus wears a red suit He's a Communist. He has long hair and a beard Must be a pacifist. And what's in the pipe that he's smoking? Santa Claus comes in your house at night. He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight. Why do police guys beat on peace guys? -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus" %% Satan can counterfeit a burning feeling, but he cannot counterfeit a good feeling. -- Mark E. Petersen %% Satan the envious said with a sigh: Christians know more about their hell than I. -- Alfred Kreymborg %% Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. %% Satire is what closes in New Haven. %% Satisfaction derived from a trip goes down as Expectation goes up if Reality is unchanged. S = R/E As Reality becomes more favorable, the chance for Satisfaction goes up IF Expectation is unchanged. -- Hall T. Sprague %% Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. %% Saturation - The result of reading too many of these dafynitions. %% Satyr is a Sort of Glass, wherein Beholders do generally discover every Body's Face but their Own; which is the chief Reason for that Kind Reception it meets with. -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745) %% Satyrs have more faun. %% Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made. %% Savage rabbits attacked me without mercy! %% Savage's Law of Expediency: You want it bad, you'll get it bad. %% Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! %% Save a forest - eat a beaver! %% Save a whale, harpoon a fat person. %% Save an alligator; shoot a preppie %% Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. %% Save fuel. Get cremated with a friend. %% Save gas, don't eat beans. %% Save gas, don't use the shell. %% Save our slums!! %% Save the seals. %% Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes! %% Save the whales. Club a seal instead. %% Save water, bathe with a friend. %% Save your bottles. %% Save your money for a rainy day, or a new computer! %% Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! %% Saved. %% Saves are not permitted during the endgame. %% Saving level %% Saving the world was merely a hobby. My *vocation* has been that of inspector of desert water holes. -- Edward Abbey %% Savings do include amnesia. %% Savoir-faire: The ability to smile when you discover that your girl and your best friend are both missing from the dance floor. -- "Laughs Unlimited" %% Saw this one in a public toilet out in the middle of nowhere in Nebraska about fifteen-plus years ago: "If Black Is Beautiful, I Just Shit A Masterpiece!" %% Saw this sticker on the lefthand side of a bumper on the 405 freeway during Friday afternoon rush hour: "I LOVE TO DRIVE THE 405" Then, a few seconds later, as I'm wondering what bizarre kind of person would actually enjoy driving the 405 during rush hour, I notice another bumpersticker on the righthand side: "I ALSO LOVE TO BANG MY HEAD WITH BRICKS" %% Saxophonists have curved ones %% Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. %% Say many of cameras focused t'us, Our middle-aged shots do us justice. No justice, please, curse ye! We really want mercy: You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us. -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt %% Say no, then negotiate. -- Helga %% Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. %% Say the secret word and win $100 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977) %% Say the word I'm thinking of. Say the word. The word is Love. Say the word, and you'll be free. Say the word and be like me. %% Say what you mean, and mean what you say. %% Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- Bust in business, lost your wife; No one cares a cent about you, You don't care a cent for life; Hard luck has of hope bereft you, Health is failing, wish you'd die-- Why, you've still the sunshine left you And the big blue sky. -- Robert W. Service %% Say's Law: Supply creates its own demand. %% Say, did you hear that the Challenger astronauts were on the radio? ... and on the console and on the heat tiles and on pieces of the wings and on .... %% Says an airlining wanton named Vi: "I'm a pantyless stew when I fly. To a muffer's delight, I'll take head on a flight, So the guy can have pie in the sky." %% Scan Conversion - Religious experience at a speed reading clinic. %% Scanlines - Monthly newsletter of the Scan converts. %% Scars are like memories. We do not have them removed. -- Chmeee "The Ringworld Engineers" %% Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful. %% Scepticism is the chastity of the intellect. -- George Santayana (1863-1952) %% Scheduled changes always mean cutbacks. -- Steve Ross %% Scheduled changes always mean cutbacks. (Minor schedule adjustments always affect your bus (train, whatever)) -- Steve Ross %% Schematologists do it haltingly. %% Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person. %% Schmitt triggers do it only once (*sigh*). %% Schnapps and hock are my favorite Teutonics. -- Alan F. G. Lewis %% School is a job. %% School's out! School's out! Teacher let the monkeys out! One was jailed! One prevailed! Both asked God: "How have I failed?" -- traditional grad school chant "Life in Hell" %% Schools are for training people how to listen to other people. %% Schrodinger might have been here. %% Schrodinger, Erwin! Professor of Physics! Wrote daring equations! Confounded his critics! Win saw that the theory that Newton'd invented By Einstein's discov'ries had been badly dented. "What now?" wailed his colleagues. Said Erwin, "Don't panic, No grease monkey I, but a quantum mechanic. Consider electrons. Now these teeny articles Are sometimes like waves, and then sometimes like particles. If that's not confusing, the nuclear dance Of electrons and suchlike is governed by chance! No sweat though--my theory permits us to judge Where some of 'em is, and the rest of 'em was." %% Schubert had a horse named Sarah. He rode her to a big parade, And all the time, the band was playing, Schubert's Sarah neighed. %% Schubert was dead, but only on alternate Thursdays. %% Sci-fi is a perversion practiced by two consenting adults, one non-consenting non-adult, and a spayed gerbil, taking place in a bathroom using a walnut. -- Jerry E. Pournelle %% Science Fiction, Double Feature. Frank has built and lost his creature. Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet. The servants gone to a distant planet. Wo, oh, oh, oh. At the late night, double feature, Picture show. I want to go, oh, oh, oh. To the late night, double feature, Picture show. -- Rocky Horror Picture Show %% Science and art belong to the whole world, and before them vanish the barriers of nationality. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832) %% Science asks why. I ask why not. %% Science commits suicide when it adopts a creed. -- Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895) %% Science does not have a moral dimension. It is like a knife. If you give it to a surgeon or a murderer, each will use it differently. -- Werner von Braun %% Science fiction is the archaeology of the future. %% Science fiction is to the totalitarian state what Aesop's fables were to the institution of slavery in the sixth century B.C. It is, of course, subversive. by taking ideas too seriously, it ridicules people. But it depends, for its subversive power, on people who are smart enough to be afraid of laughter. Modern history, especially as it expresses itself in the totalitarian hockey puck, has an excess of almost everything except a genuine appreciation of the ludicrous. -- John Leonard, New York Times (1982) %% Science is a flickering light in our darkness, it is but the only one we have and woe to him who would put it out. -- Morris Cohen %% Science is a history of superseded theories. %% Science is a wonderful thing, but it has not succeeded in maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain, and that's all we asked of it. %% Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones is a house. -- Jules Henri Poincare %% Science is nothing but developed perception, integrated intent, common sense rounded out and minutely articulated. -- George Santayana (1863-1952) %% Science is the refusal to believe on the basis of hope. -- C. P. Snow %% Science is the whore of industry and the handmaiden of war. -- Edward Abbey %% Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break. -- Earl Wilson %% Science may someday discover what faith has always known. %% Science seeks generally only the most useful systems of classification: these it regards for the time being, until more useful classifications are invented, as true. -- S. I. Hayakawa %% Science transcends mere politics. As recent history demonstrates, scientists are as willing to work for a Tojo, a Hitler, or a Stalin as for the free nations of the West. -- Edward Abbey %% Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes. Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart, Vulture, whose wings are dull realities? How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise? Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies, Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing? Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car? And driven the Hamadryad from the wood To seek a shelter in some happier star? Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood, The Elfin from the green grass, and from me The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? -- Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849), "Science, a Sonnet" %% Science: preconception meeting verification. %% Scienta sine arte nihil est: ars sine scientia nihil est. -- Author unknown %% Scientific Computations Law: a. Decimal points are misplaced. b. Positive powers of ten are in fact negative, and vice-versa. This law is responsible for interesting results such as 40.8E-3 angstroms for the earth's circumference, or 3.2E2 Gigafarads in and RLC circuit. %% Scientific and humanist approaches are not competitive but supportive, and both are ultimately necessary. -- Robert C. Wood %% Scientific innovation sometimes sounds like poetry, and I would claim that it is, at least in the earliest stages. The ideal scientist can be said to think like a poet, work like a clerk, and write like a journalist. -- Edward O. Wilson, "Biophilia" %% Scientific method: There's a madness in the method. -- Edward Abbey %% Scientists Produce Psychopathic Holy Girl. %% Scientists and engineers set high performance standards for themselves; therefore, performance appraisal and career planning are perfunctory. -- Richard F. Moore %% Scientists are Peeping Toms at the keyhole of eternity. -- Arthur Koestler %% Scientists discover life causes cancer. %% Scientists do it experimentally. %% Scientists have invented a love drug, but it only works on bugs. %% Scientists still know less about what attracts men than they do about what attracts mosquitos. -- Dr. Joyce Brothers, "What Every Woman Should Know About Men" %% Scientists tell us that the earth will fall into the sun within 400 billion years. What can we, as citizens, do? %% Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently together. "There is now", came the reply. %% Scientists who dislike the restraints of highly organized research like to remark that a truly great research worker needs only three pieces of equipment: a pencil, a piece of paper, and a brain .... But they quote this maxim more often at academic banquets than at budget hearings. -- Don Price %% Scintillate, scintillate, Aster menific! Fain do I fathom thy nature specific; Loftily poised in the ether capacious, Strongly resembling a gem carbonaceous! %% Scintillate, scintillate, aster minific. %% Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, Fain how I pause at your nature specific, Loftily poised in the ether capacious, Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, Fain how I pause at your nature specific. %% Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. %% Scnatterly's Summing Up Of The Corollaries: If anything can't go wrong, it will. %% Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) : Art Garfunkel, Elke Sommer, Rock Hudson,Roy Rogers, Roy Scheider, Tatum O'Neal, Jamie Lee Curtis, Dale Evans, Imogene Coca %% Scorpions often hide under tripe rations. %% Scorpios do not believe in astrology. -- Ngaire Woods %% Scotsmen do it with Amazing Grace. %% Scott's First Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place. Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. %% Scottish country dancers are reel people %% Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets. -- Edgar Berman %% Scratch the disks! Drop the core! Roll the tapes across the floor! %% Script writer: "Rrrah! I smell Emmy!!" Marshall: [frown] [sniff] [sniff] -- "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana %% Scrolls of fire are useful against fog clouds. %% Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency. -- Richard Milhouse Nixon %% Scrute the inscrutable, eff the ineffable. %% Se Habla Espanol. %% Sean asked me to marry him, but he didn't say it out loud. So I read his mind back to him. -- Madonna %% Sears has everything. %% Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. %% Seaver Sucks Donkey Dicks. %% Second Coming Still Vaporware After 2,000 Years %% Second Law of Final Exams: In your toughest final-- for the first time all year-- the most distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. %% Second Law of Hacking: first in, first out. %% Second fiddles do it vilely. %% Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. %% Secret Agent Man, they've given you a number and taken away your name. %% Secret headquarters of Clown for Crime. Bozo speaking. %% Secret sources are more credible. -- Ron Nessen %% Secretaries do it with no mistakes. %% Secretaries do it with their fingers. %% Secretary's Lament: Around here I'm a very responsible person. If anything happens, I'm responsible. %% Security by Obscurity! %% Security is mostly a superstition. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. -- Helen Keller %% Security is the individual's responsibility. %% Security is your responsibility. %% Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? [Who guards the Guardians?] %% Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. She scissored short. Sorely shorn, Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, Silently scheming, Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide. -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" %% Seductive joyousness. %% See Dick and Jane. %% See Spot run. %% See how you can be? %% See if you can shout at just the right frequency. %% See label for sequence. %% See me - come to my office, I'm lonely -- Glossary of important business terms %% See me, feel me, touch me, heal me. -- Tommy %% See the happy moron, He doesn't give a damn. I wish I were a moron. My God! Perhaps I am! -- "Eugenics Review", July 1929, 86/2 %% See the world! Learn helicopter maintenance. %% See you around... %% See your dealer, or send a check to me: Joe Isuzu %% Seeing is believing. You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it. %% Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. -- James Thurber (1894-1961) %% Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come. -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" %% Seek companionship, love and social activity at home. %% Seek domestic happiness and faithful friends. %% Seeking duration too hastily brings misfortune persistently. Nothing that would further. %% Seems a PhD was driving past Agnews State Hospital, on his way to Stanford U to give a lecture. Just as he was passing the hospital, his left front tire blew. The PhD pulled to the side of the street, got out the jack and spare and went to work. He carefully put the wheel nuts in the hubcap. About then, a big truck went by hit the hubcap and scattered the wheel nuts in the bushes. So the PhD was really upset by this, as he was getting late for his lecture. So there he was, crawling on his hands and knees in the bushes trying to find his wheel nuts. About that time, one of the patients in the hospital walked over to the chain link fence, while putting a hat full of water on his head, mumbling to himself and asked the PhD what he was trying to do. So the PhD described the incident fully and was getting more frustrated looking for the wheel nuts and the passage of time on his Rolex. All of a sudden, the patient suggested to the PhD that he take one nut off each of the other three wheels and mount the spare on the car with those. Astonished, the PhD said, "What a smart idea, what are you doing in this place?" With that the patient replied, .............. "I AM IN HERE BECAUSE I AM NUTS, NOT STUPID!" %% Seen in a computer manual: "Do not write on this line. This line has been left blank intentionally." %% Seen in an article in the Wall Street Journal -- "Mommy, do all fairy tales beginning with `Once upon a time'?" "No, dear. Nowadays, lots of them start with `If I am elected...'." %% Seen near the Stanford Linear Accelerator: Beware of Quantum Ducks, Quark! Quark! %% Seen on a Saab: Key Mow %% Seen on a T-Shirt: "Get even. Live long enough to be a problem to your kids." %% Seen on a T-shirt: It's all fun and games, until someone loses an eye, then it's a sport. %% Seen on a bathroom wall: Q. When Santa and all the male reindeer go out on Christmas eve, where do all the female reindeer go? A. They go to town to blow a few bucks! %% Seen on a bumper sticker: "51% sweetheart 49% bitch Don't push it." %% Seen on a button at an SF Convention: Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force. 1990-1951. %% Seen on a plummer's truck: In my business, a flush beats a full house. %% Seen on a sign on I-75 in Ohio: All signs metric next 20 miles %% Seen on a sign: Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. %% Seen on a wall in a school: "Kids leave home soon, before you forget you know everything!" %% Seen on bumper sticker: Beam me up, Scotty, it ate my phaser. %% Seen on cars in Apple Computer parking lots --- Honk if you hate the IBM PC %% Seen on local vending machine: "Anti-theft device prevents obtaining free product." %% Seen on the wall in a New York subway station: "There are no integers n > 2 and x, y, z > 0, such that x^n + y^n = z^n I have found a truly wonderful proof of this. Unfortunately, my train is coming. %% Seen on two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: -- English well talking. -- Here speeching American. %% Seen outside a computer center in Washington, DC: "This place guarded by a false sense of security" %% Seen under an ubiquitous "Kilroy was here": "Heisenberg might have been here"! %% Seers and soothsayers read crystal balls to find the future. Less lucky men read junk--with more success. -- Richard N. Farmer %% Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) (65-8 B.C.) %% Selections from "New Crossbred `ISMs' for the 90s": Blaspheminism: "Take the patriarchy and stuff it up your Messiah." Andy Capitalism: "Lend me five quid, luv?" "Cor, you're not investing in S&Ls again!?" Superegotism: "My conscience is bigger than yours." Christmasochism: "It's December 23rd! I must get to the mall!" -- Ranjit Bhatnagar %% Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. %% Self-abuse is the sincerest kind. -- Solomon Short %% Self-centered people are those who spend so much time talking about themselves we never get a chance to talk about ourselves. %% Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they are used. -- Tom Gibb %% Self-defense is nature's oldest law. -- Dryden %% Self-love is more cunning than the most cunning man in the world. -- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld %% Self-love is the greatest of flatterers. -- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld %% Self-pity is a destructive, useless emotion. %% Sell before date stamped on carton. %% Semi-Conductor - a person hired to lead an orchestra before he has graduated from director's school. %% Semiconductor - part time band leader -- Data communications glossary %% Semper Fi, dude. %% Senator Alan Simpson, R-Wyoming, has a stock answer when asked his church preference. He often says: "Red brick." %% Send for clips to see how I write. If you don't, frogs will sneak into your house and eat your fingers. -- John Corcoran %% Send lawyers, guns, and money, The shit has hit the fan. -- Warren Zevon %% Send some filthy mail. %% Sendmail can safely be made setuid to root. -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Install & Operation Guide" %% Sennel's Law: It doesn't take all kinds. We just HAVE all kinds. %% Sense switches and data switches should only be used as warm furry buttons: they don't do anything but when you push them they push back, and make you feel loved, i.e. for selective printing and tracing in debug. %% Sentient plasmoids are a gas. %% Sentiment without action is the ruin of the soul. One brave deed is worth a thousand books. -- Edward Abbey %% September 12 -- In the ongoing hearings, Sen. Joseph Biden pledges to consider the Bork nomination "with total objectivity," adding: "You have that on my honor not only as a Senator, but also as the Prince of Wales." -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987" %% September 17 -- The market-savvy McDonald's corporation, capitalizing on the popularity of the movie "Fatal Attraction," introduces a new menu item, Boiled McRabbits. -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987" %% September 2 -- In Washington, reporters notice that at some point -- possibly during a speech by Sen. Inouye, when everybody was asleep -- the ongoing Iran-Contra hearings turned into the ongoing confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork. -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987" %% September 21 -- Professional football players go on strike, demanding the right to "have normal necks." Negotiations begin under the guidance of mediator Mario Cuomo. -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987" %% September 28 -- Tensions ease in the Persian Gulf as a Delta Air Lines flight, en route from Boston to Newark, successfully lands on the U.S. carrier Avocado. -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987" %% September 8 -- Researcher Shere Hite releases her scientific new book, "Men Are Scum." -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987" %% Serfs up! -- Spartacus %% Serial Interface : A spoon. %% Service Conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded. %% Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth. -- Muhammad Ali, in "Time", 1978 %% Serving the scum of Paris for over 300 years %% Sesame Street is a production of the Children's Television Workshop. %% Sesame Street was brought to you today by the letter 'Q' and the number 3.14159 %% Set mode=Extremely verbose %% Set the cart before the horse. -- John Heywood %% Set the controls for the heart of the sun. %% Setting right what has been spoiled by the father. If there is a son, No blame rests upon the departed father. Danger. In the end good fortune. %% Setting right what has been spoiled by the father. One meets with praise. %% Setting right what has been spoiled by the father. There will be little remorse. No great blame. %% Setting right what has been spoiled by the mother. One must not be too persevering. %% Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak. %% Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria. One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides. When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to attract attention), stood up, bent over and squeezed his chest. This caused a huge gush of green liquid to spew all over the table; the other six immediately began to eat this green liquid. I think a lot of food went uneaten that night. %% Seven years of college, down the drain. -- John Blutarski %% Several feet away is a warm pair of gloves. %% Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." %% Sgt. Pepper went into a strawberry field And turned into the walrus Climbing into bed for peace In love with a Japanese woman Hated by an international YMCA ex-Jesus freak Who blew him off the mountain Martin dreamed about While the CIA didn't say anything Hoping no one would imagine Psychiatric head doctor connections Or Manchurian Candidates Warmaker's behavior modification master plan Killing men of peace While the queen of diamonds reshuffled the deck Turning up the Ronalds - Reagan and MacDonalds -- John Trudell %% Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na ... get a job. %% Shading within a garment may occur. %% Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so! %% Shake it up! %% Shake it up, baby. Twist and Shout. %% Shake your groove thing! %% Shakespeare wrote great poetry and preposterous plays. Who really cares, for example, which petty tyrant rules Milan? Or who succeeds to the throne of Denmark? Or why the barons ganged up on Richard II? -- Edward Abbey %% Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? No, I guess not. %% Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?... I should have been a pair of ragged claws Scuttling across the floors of silent seas. -- T. S. Eliot, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" %% Shall I take you to a restaurant that's got glass tables? You can watch yourself while you are eating! %% Shall we dance? %% Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary? -- J. M. Barrie %% Shame is an improper emotion invented by pietists to oppress the human race. -- Robert Preston [Toddy], "Victor/Victoria" %% Shannon's Observation Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation that is beginning to improve. %% Shapeless body, flapping maw, Holds what you give it without any hands, And will be with you, back to back, though it never stands. A backpack %% Shards of a broken mirror are dangerous to play with. %% Share your happiness with others today--commit suicide. %% Share your happiness with others today. %% Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased. %% Shareware author dies: .GIF at eleven! %% Sharon Sharalike %% Sharp as a tack and twice as flat. %% Shave a cedar shingle thin. %% Shazaam!! %% Shazbat! %% She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way." %% She balanced dignity on the tip of her nose. %% She been married so many times she got rice marks all over her face. -- Tom Waits %% She begged and she pleaded for more. I said, "We've already had four, And I'm sure that you've heard, Though its somewhat absurd, That eros spelt backwards is sore." %% She blinded me with science. %% She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed. %% She came from planet Clair. %% She can kill all your files; She can freeze with a frown. And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down. And she works on her code until ten after three. She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me. -- Apologies to Billy Joel %% She can wade in a drop of dew. She don't come and I don't follow ..waits backstage while I sing to you. -- The Grateful Dead %% She developed a persistent troubled frown which gave her the expression of someone who is trying to repair a watch with his gloves on. -- James Thurber (1894-1961) %% She doesn't wrestle very well,but you should see her box. %% She drove a Plymouth Satellite faster than the speed of light. %% She had a coming out party, but they made her go back again. %% She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground. -- Steve Connelly %% She had lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of speech. -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) %% She had once been a Catholic, but discovering that priests were infinitely more attentive when she was in the process of leaving or regaining faith in Mother church, she maintained an enchantingly wavering attitude. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940) %% She had read several nice little stories about children who had got burnt, and eaten up by wild beasts, and other unpleasant things, all because they WOULD not remember the simple rules their friends had taught them: such as, that a red-hot poker will burn you if you hold it too long; and that, if you cut your finger VERY deeply with a knife, it usually bleeds; and she had never forgotten that, if you drink much from a bottle marked "poison," it is almost certain to disagree wit you, sooner or later. -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" %% She had set out to break him, as if, unable to equal his value, she could surpass it by destroying it, as if the measure of his greatness would thus become the measure of hers, as if ... the vandal who smashed a statue was greater than the artist who had made it, as if the murderer who killed a child was greater than the mother who had given it birth ... For the same purpose and motive, for the same satisfaction, as others weave complex systems of philosophy to destroy generations, or establish dictatorships to destroy a country, so she, possessing no weapons except femininity, had made it her goal to destroy one man. %% She has a body that won't quit; the problem is getting it started in the first place. %% She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud. %% She has as much originality as a Xerox machine. -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter %% She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic candidates for president. -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis %% She is a stone cold bitch. %% She is blonde/tall/beautiful, and as a Z80 for a brain %% She is so fat that when she sits on your face you can't here the stereo %% She is the treasure of the house. Great good fortune. %% She is what moves in the soul of a dove. -- Deep Purple %% She just lost ten pounds, she brushed her teeth. %% She loves you. %% She made a thing of soft leather, And topped off the end with a feather. When she poked it inside her She took off like a glider, And gave up her lover forever. %% She meant well. %% She neglects her heart who studies her glass. -- Lavater %% She never did in the first place! %% She never liked zippers, she said, Until she opened one in bed. %% She often gave herself very good advice [though she very seldom followed it]. -- Lewis Carroll %% She passes by her ancestor And meets her ancestress. He does not reach his prince And meets the official. No blame. %% She said I should think of her like a sister. I said I did, but not my sister. %% She said she would go through anything for me and she wanted to start with my bank book. %% She said she would love me till the end of time. But then she said my time was up. %% She said she wouldn't keep my company unless I owned it. %% She sells cshs by the cshore. %% She sells sea shells by the sea shore. %% She should not follow her whims. She must attend within to the food. Perseverance brings good fortune. %% She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. %% She states that her husband took downers and she took uppers so the relationship did not work out. %% She stood there and peeled off her clothes, And begged for a bang : goodness knows I am surely impure And I sizzled to scrure, But the push had gone out of my hose. THE HIGHER LEARNING %% She that paints her face thinks of her tail. -- Poor Richard %% She thinks she loves you. %% She thinks that she could easily win your heart. %% She told he was just a traveling companion, but I sensed arrival. -- Alan F. G. Lewis %% She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together. %% She was a girl from Birmingham, she just had an abortion. %% She was a town-and-country soprano of the kind often used for augmenting grief at a funeral. -- George Ade (1866-1944) %% She was another one of his near Mrs. %% She was asking her insurance agent: 'If I were to take out a $250,000 insurance policy on my husband and he should die the next day, what would I get?' He answered, 'Life.' %% She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety, When the chain on her motorcycle broke, Now she's lying in the grass, With the muffler up her ass, And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes. %% She was only the stableman's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her. %% She was so fat that I had to run her down 'cause I didn't think I had enough gas to drive around her. %% She was so fat that if you fly around her you lose a day... %% She was so fat that she had ring around the collar on the outside of her shirt %% She was so fat, we would take her to MacDonalds to watch the numbers change. %% She was so fat, when she got a shoeshine she had to take their word for it. %% She was so fat, when she stood on a corner, a cop would come along and tell her to break it up. %% She was so fat, when she'd walk out onto the beach after swimming in the ocean, three guys from Greenpeace would try to throw her back in the water. %% She was so ugly her mother used to babyfeed her with a slingshot. %% She was so ugly she could make a freight train take a dirt road. %% She was so wild that when she made French toast she got her tongue caught in the toaster. -- Rodney Dangerfield %% She was taken to surgery on the 9th, as per operative report. She made a good postoperative recovery and was seen in the clinic the morning following surgery. Following that, she was lost in confusion, and repeated attempts to locate her through the hospital information center failed to locate the patient until the morning of the 15th when she phoned me stating that she was still in the hospital in room 5309 ... Her unusual length of stay in the hospital was not intentional and it was due to misunderstanding and confusion and inability to locate the patient until Tuesday ... The patient's hospital course was uneventful and she was discharged. %% She was the sort of person whose personality would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. %% She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put her on the top step. "How dare you?" she demanded. "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the second time I thought we were good friends." %% She wasn't what one could call pretty And other girls offered her pity, So nobody guessed That her Wasserman test Involved half the men in the city. %% She whines him around her little finger. %% She who falls in love with herself will have no rivals. %% She will have boobs and brains. %% She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead! %% She'll have fun, fun, fun till her daddy takes the T-bird away. %% She's a May bride, she may or may not get married. %% She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down. %% She's got the personality of a halibut. %% She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting into words. %% She's so fat, she doesn't have measurements: she has time zones. %% She's so fat, when she hauls ass it takes two or three trips. %% She's so self-centered she occupies a special place in her heart. %% She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer. %% She's so ugly that not even the tide would take her out. %% She's so ugly, Peeping Toms ask her to pull down her shades. %% She's such a kinky girl, The kind you don't take home to mother. She will never let your spirits down Once you get her off the street. %% She's the kind of woman who lets bygones be 'I told you so's.' %% She's the one. %% Shedenhelm's Law: All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections. %% Sheep do it when led astray. %% Sheepish voters beget wolfish politicians. %% Shell to DOS... come in DOS... Do you copy? %% Shhh! Don't talk, just listen! Meet me at the corner of Broad and Main and bring the girl. %% Shick's Law: There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. %% Shift to the left, Shift to the right, Mask in, mask out, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! %% Shifting in the midst of a thrust, the thief knocks you unconscious with the haft of his stiletto. %% Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark.. %% Ship it. %% Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. %% Shit Happens. %% Shock brings ruin and terrified gazing around. Going ahead brings misfortune. If is has not yet touched one's own body But has reached one's neighbor first, There is no blame. One's comrades have something to talk about. %% Shock brings success. Shock comes\(emoh, oh! Laughing words\(emha, ha! The shock terrifies for a hundred miles, And he does not let fall the sacrificial spoon and chalice. %% Shock comes and makes one distraught. If shock spurs to action One remains free of misfortune. %% Shock comes bringing danger. A hundred thousand times You lose your treasures And must climb the nine hills. Do not go in pursuit of them. After seven days you will get them back. %% Shock comes\(emoh, oh! Then follow laughing words\(emha, ha! Good fortune. %% Shock goes hither and thither. Danger. However, nothing at all is lost. Yet there are things to be done. %% Shock is mired. %% Shoe-bee-doo-bee-doo. %% Sholom aleicheim. %% Sholom. %% Shop, shop 'til you drop. %% Shopkeeper administration out of order. %% Shopkeepers accept creditcards, as long as you pay cash. %% Shopkeepers often have strange names. %% Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suure. I mean Apples are nice you know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know? He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suure. Gag me with a Prime! %% Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth. %% Short people are vertically challenged. %% Short people got no reason to live. %% Short term success with voters on any side of a given issue can be guaranteed by creating a long-term special study commission make up of at least three divergent interest groups. -- Ray Connolly %% Shortly after John F. Kennedy blocked the hike in steel prices in 1961, he was visited by a businessman who expressed wariness about the national economy. "Things look great," said JFK. "Why, if I wasn't president, I'd be buying stocks myself." "If you weren't president," said the businessman, "so would I." %% Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence. Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?" Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee." Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a prick." "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I assure you, that's a wee-wee." %% Shot down in Flames! %% Should I get locked in the PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a VASECTOMY?? %% Should I or shouldn't I?... Too late, I did! %% Should I stay, or should I go? %% Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden? %% Should South Florida legalize casino gambling? As with any important issue, there are pros and cons. Here they are: PROS: Everybody would get rich. CONS: Everybody would get killed by gangsters. -- Dave Barry %% Should you or any member of your I.M. force be caught or killed, The Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. %% Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray! I'm agog with excitement today! And the reason of course, A reliable source, Said the snow blower's heading this way!" %% Show me Santa's helpers and I'll show you subordinate clauses. %% Show me a burned-out post office and I'll show you a case of blackmail. %% Show me a cat that just ate a lemon and I'll show you a sourpuss. %% Show me a female ... I'll show you a problem. %% Show me a good mouser and I'll show you a cat with bad breath. %% Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. -- Leo Durocher %% Show me a man who sees both sides of an argument, and I'll show you a man who has nothing at stake in it. %% Show me a pharaoh who ate crackers and I'll show you a crummy mummy. %% Show me a squirrel's nest and I'll show you a nutcracker suite. %% Show me a stolen sausage and I'll show you a missing link. %% Show me a swine in the rain and I'll show you hogwash. %% Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I'll show you a failure. -- Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931) %% Show me the country in which there are no strikes and I'll show that country in which there is no liberty. -- Samuel Gompers (1850-1924) %% Show me the way to go home. I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Well I had a little drink about an hour ago and its gone right to my head. Wherever I may go on land, on sea, or snow, you will always find me singing this song. Show me the way to go home. %% Show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a communist plot. %% Show us a home with young children and we'll show you a home where every pack of cards counts out at between 37 and 51. -- Bill Vaughan %% Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. %% Showing more cheek than usual. %% Showing up is 80 percent of life. -- Woody Allen %% Shtee da ka-sha, pee-sha na-sha -- Automatic Vendors %% Shubert didn't finish it. %% Shut up and dance. %% Shut up and deal! -- F. D. R. %% Shut up and stop your sniveling, you little shit! %% Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. -- Voltaire (1694-1778) %% Si Dios no hubiera descansado el domingo habria tenido tiempo de terminar el mundo. (If God hadn't rested on Sunday, He would have had time to finish the world.) -- Gabriel Garcia Marquez, "Los Funerales de Mama Grande", 1974 %% Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could]. -- Henri Estienne %% Si six scies scient six saucissions, six cent six scies scieront six cent six saucissions. (If 6 saws saw 6 sausages, 606 saws will saw 606 sausages. %% Sibling rivalry is for kids. %% Sic F*cks, The %% Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. %% Sic transit gloria Monday! %% Sic transit gloria mundi. -- Louis Wu "The Ringworld Engineers" %% Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world] -- Thomas a Kempis %% Sick Building Migration: The tendency of younger workers to leave or avoid jobs in unhealthy office environments or workplaces affected by the Sick Building Syndrome. -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. %% Sigmund Freud is alleged to have said that in the last analysis the entire field of psychology may reduce to biological electrochemistry. %% Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. %% Sign at Institute Laue-Langevin (Grenoble): If we understood what we were doing it wouldn't be research. %% Sign here please:_______________________Thanks %% Sign here without admitting guilt. %% Sign in a cluttered, old-fashioned hardware store: "We've got it, if we can find it." %% Sign in a loan company window: "Now you can borrow enough money to get completely out of debt." %% Sign in a restaurant: "We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone." %% Sign in an office: "People who believe that the dead never come back to life should be here at quitting time." %% Sign in hardware store: No color paint Will be mixed For any man Without a note From his wife. %% Sign on Closed Nuclear Power Plant... "Gone Fission" %% Sign on a bumper-sticker: "I brake for hallucinations." %% Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit. %% Sign on a hospital bulletin board: Colloquium announcement: Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. Hand-written note underneath: The last five minutes aren't so hot either. %% Sign on bank: "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT." %% Sign seen in service station: An extra charge of 30% will accompany any work done correctly. %% Sign seen on the L.A. Xpressway: Next Exit: Gas, Food, and Ammo %% Signito ergo sum - I sign therefore I am. %% Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to raise bloody hell. -- Herbert Block %% Silence gives consent, or a horrible feeling that nobody's listening. -- Franklin P. Jones %% Silence is one great art of conversation. -- William Hazlitt (1778-1830) %% Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881) %% Silence speaks with eloquence. -- R. Reiley (Sometimes... [ed]) %% Silhouette: After Etienne de Silhouette (1709-67) with reference to his evanescent career (March-November 1759) as French controller-general. %% Silverman's Paradox: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. %% Silvester Stallone: father of the RISC concept. %% Simon: "How did he get in there anyhow?" Marshall: "Does the word mega-eerie-voodoo-weirdness mean anything to you?" -- "Scariest Home Videos", Eerie Indiana %% Simon: "People say they run things. People say you'd better do as they say." Marshall: "Have people noticed they're a bunch of goons in stupid hats? C'mon." -- "The Loyal Order of Corn", Eerie Indiana %% Simon: "Think we should call a doctor?" Marshall: "Simon, he's a werewolf. An animal." Simon: "Should we call a vet?" -- "Mr. Chaney", Eerie Indiana %% Simon: "You know what's weird?" Marshall: "Besides Eerie?" Simon: "They always tell you you can't buy friends. But I think you can. You know, guys like Nick and Eddie. But it's like buying expensive tennis shoes. They cost way too much and they don't last very long." Marshall: "Can I use that?" [high five] -- "The ATM Machine", Eerie Indiana %% Simon: "Radford, what's going on here?" Radford: "You've heard the expression you break it, you buy it?" Simon: "Yeh" Radford: "These guys are buying everything in the store." -- "Who's Who", Eerie Indiana %% Simon: "Y'know Mr. Radford." Radford: "Yes, young man?" Simon: "How are we supposed to know for sure if you're the real Mr. Radford?" Radford: "You don't." Simon: "Oh. Thanks." -- "Hole in the Head Gang", Eerie Indiana %% Simple Simon: Simple Simon met a pieman Asked him, "What's the price?" "A dollar fifty!", said the pieman "For a skinny slice!" "Inflationary!", Simple Simon screamed "My business you are losing!" "I'd charge much more", the pieman said "If sugar I were using!" %% Simple advice is the best advice. %% Simple conduct. Progress without blame. %% Simple diet is best; for many dishes bring many diseases; and rich sauces are worse than even heaping several meats upon each other. -- Pliny %% Simple grace. No blame. %% Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress. %% Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. %% Simplicity is always a virtue. One kid on a riverbank working out a Stephen Foster tune on his new harmonica heard from the correct esthetic distance projects more magic and power than the entire Vienna Philharmonic and Chorus laboring (once again) through the Mozart Requiem or Bach's B Minor Mass. -- Edward Abbey %% Simplicity is the true test. -- Ron Randall %% Simplified Swedish Tax Form: How much did you earn? How much do you have left? Send it in. -- Hans Alfredson and Tage Danielsson %% Simulated picture. %% Sin boldly. -- Martin Luther %% Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle that fits them all. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. (1809-1894) %% Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is NOT a sin--just stupid.) -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love" %% Since Bush became president... Americans in prison: +177,122 (up 28%) Americans on death row: +464 (up 22%) Violent crimes: +95,278 (up 21%) %% Since Bush became president... Americans unemployed for 6 months or longer: +1,127,000 (up 133%) %% Since Bush became president... Budget deficit: +$244,500,000,000 (up 157%) %% Since Bush became president... Children living in poverty: +500,000 (up 4%) %% Since Bush became president... Families receiving Aid to Families with Dependent Children: +944,000 (up 25%) Median monthly payment to those families: -$49.26 (down 12%) %% Since Bush became president... Hourly earnings for blue-collar workers: -$1 (down 10%) %% Since Bush became president... Mean annual income of the wealthiest 5% of US families: +$7,286 (up 5%) Mean annual income of the poorest one-fifth: -$54 (down .5%) %% Since Bush became president... National debt: +$1,477,000,000,000 (up 57%) %% Since Bush became president... Number of millionaires: +28,100 (up 81%) Americans with no health insurance: +4,600,000 (up 15%) %% Since Perot has withdrawn from the presidential race, he's being called The Yellow Ross of Texas. %% Since a democratic society repudiates the principle of external authority, it must find a substitute in voluntary disposition and interest; these can be created only by education. -- John Dewey (1859-1953) %% Since a top-heavy maiden from Yonkers Is equipped to make tit men go bonkers, Poet Goldsmith might say, Were he living today, That whenever she stoops, sir, she conquers! %% Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! %% Since attaining the full use of my reason no one has ever heard me laugh. -- Earl of Chesterfield %% Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune. %% Since blue-sky projects are targeted for major breakthroughs, they are relatively immune from planning and control. -- Richard F. Moore %% Since computers do the sending, however, it's possible to address a single package to a mailing list of recipients with a shared interest in the subject matter -- be it cold fusion or hot pornography. -- Joe Abernathy <(C) 1990 Houston Chronicle> %% Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter. -- Long Chen Pa %% Since money can't buy happiness, you'll just have to rent some. -- Jason, jcborkow@remus.rutgers.edu %% Since no matter can be created or destroyed (excluding nuclear and cafeteria substances), as one attempts to remove unwanted material (i. e., trash) from one's living space, the remaining material mutates so as to occupy 30 to 50 percent more than its original volume. %% Since poverty is no disgrace, may you never know shame. %% Since prehistoric man, no battle has ever gone as planned. -- Donal Graeme %% Since the generality of persons act from impulse much more than from principle, men are neither so good nor so bad as we are apt to think them. -- Hare %% Since the measuring device has been constructed by the observer...we have to remember that what we observe is not nature in itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning. -- Werner Heisenberg %% Since the star [Sirius] advances one day every four years, and in order that the holidays celebrated in the summer shall not fall into winter, as has been and will be the case if the year continues to have 360 and 5 additional days, it is hereby decreed that henceforth every four years there shall be celebrated the holidays of the Gods of Euergetes after the 5 additional days and before the new year, so that everyone might know that the former shortcomings in reckoning the seasons of the year have henceforth been truly corrected by King Euergetes. -- Ptolemy III Euergetes (238 B.C.) %% Since this Galaxy began, vast civilizations have risen and fallen, risen and fallen, risen and fallen so often that it's quite tempting to think that life in the Galaxy must be (a) something akin to seasick - space-sick, time sick, history sick or some such thing, and (b) stupid %% Since we began restoring pride in the United States of America... flag sales have taken off. -- President George Bush %% Since we cannot get what we like, let us like what we can get. %% Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. -- Tom Stoppard %% Sincere in the good. Good fortune. %% Sincere joyousness. Good fortune. Remorse disappears. %% Sincerity is like traveling in a plain beaten road, which commonly brings a man sooner to his journey's end than byways, in which men often lose themselves. -- Tiliotson %% Sincerity is often the measure of your adaptability to adjust to the opinions of those who can fire you. -- John Francis Putnam (1964) %% Sincerity toward disintegrating influences is dangerous. %% Sing a song of sixpence: Sing a song of spillage, A tanker's fouled the shore, Four and twenty blackbirds, They were white before! %% Sing a song of sixpence Pocket full of rye. Four-and-twenty blackbirds Baked in a pie. And when the pie was opened, the birds began to sing! So I put them in the microwave And waited for the ding. %% Sing and Dance the New Deal Away -- A button from Our People's Underworld %% Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music for longer than they would ordinarily. %% Singing makes all the sad people happy because it is the voice of happiness. -- Joseph Shabalala %% Singularity in the right hath ruined many; happy those who are convinced of the general opinion. -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) %% Sink or Swim with Teddy! %% Sink or swim, live or die, survive or perish, I give my heart and my hand to this vote. -- Daniel Webster %% Sir, a woman's preaching is like a dog's walking on his hind legs. It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all. -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) %% Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable. -- CP30 %% Sir, the cow she walks. She talks. She's full of chalk. The lactose secretions of the female of the bovine species are highly desirable to the n'th degree. -- A West Point Cadet's answer to, "How's the Cow?", which roughly translates to, "How many servings of milk are left upon the table?". (The "n'th" indicates the number of servings). %% Sirius is paved with gold So I've heard it said By nuts who then go on to say "See Tau before you're dead." I'll gladly take the high road Or even take the low, But if you have to take me apart to get me there Then I, for one, won't go. [Chorus] Take me apart, take me apart, You must be off your head, And if you try to take me apart to get me there I'll stay right here in bed. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% Sirs, adulation is a fatal thing -- Rank poison for a subject, or a king. -- Dr. Wolcot %% Sit down, you're rocking the boat! %% Sit on a happy face. %% Sit on it, Malph. %% Sitting here with nothing to do, sitting here thinking only of you. %% Sitting on the pedestal is a flaming torch, made of ivory. %% Six of one, 110 (base 2) of another. %% Six people were flying in a small airplane. One was the pilot, and the five passengers were, in order; Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Henry Kissinger, a priest, and a hippie. During mid-flight, the pilot comes into the passenger compartment, and says "We seem to have developed some engine trouble. Since I'm the pilot, I'm going to bale out. There are only five parachutes." Then the pilot gave a wave and jumped out with a parachute. Ronald Reagan said, "Well, I'm the President, so, well, umm, bye!" Then Jimmy said, "There are some things that Ronnie hasn't learned yet." Then, Jimmy jumped out. Now only Henry Kissinger, the priest and the hippie were left in the plane. Henry Kissinger looked at the others and announced, "I am surely the smartest man in the world so I'm out of here!" The priest says to the hippie, "Well, son, I've lived a long and full life---you take the parachute!" The hippie says, "Hey man, we're cool. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my radical backpack!" %% Sixteen'll get you twenty. %% Sixty years ago I knew everything; now I know nothing; education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. -- Will Durant, in "National Enquirer", 1980 %% Sixty years from now, you'll start to doubt that the only way to fail in life is by not trying. %% Skating away on the thin ice of a new day. %% Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep insights can be winnowed from deep nonsence. -- Carl Sagan %% Skiing is so much fun. The bright blue above you ... AND THE BRIGHT BLUE BELOW YOU! %% Skill in manipulating numbers is a talent, not evidence of divine guidance. -- G. O. Ashley %% Skillfully, you catch the boomerang. %% Skip's Lament: Given any problem containing N equations, There will be n+1 unknowns. %% Skoal! %% Skunks do it instinctively. %% Sky and earth were two flat plates, infinitely wide, pressed together; and men were microbes crawling between the plates . . . -- "Ringworld" %% Skydiver Daniel McDopp Used to masturbate right from the top. Whenever he fell, He jerked off like hell. He was good to the very last drop. %% Skydivers do it in the air %% Skydivers go down faster. %% Slander meets no regard from noble minds; only the base believe what the base only utter. -- Beller %% Slang is a language that rolls up its sleeves, spits on its hands and goes to work. -- Carl Sandburg, in "New York Times", 1959 %% Slash! Your blow lands! That one hit an artery, it could be serious! %% Slash! Your stroke connects! The # could be in serious trouble! %% Slave to no sect, who takes no private road But looks through nature up to nature's God. -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744) %% Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. -- W. C. Fields %% Sleep is lovely, death is better still, not to have been born is of course the miracle. -- Heinrich Heine (1797-1856) %% Sleep? Sleep is when you're not logged in... -- tlw %% Sleeping in an old abandoned beach-house, getting wasted in the heat. %% Slightly deaf students will have instructors who mumble. -- M. M. Johnston %% Slightly higher in California. %% Slim Sley and the Tongues %% Slime Sisters' SUPER DIET for MEN -- LOSE 6 INCHES IN JUST MINUTES %% Slippery when wet. %% Slit your wrists - it will lower your blood pressure. %% Slits, The (all female) %% Slogans that never made it off the drawing board: Acme Elevators: "We never let you down!" Acme Diet Plan: "You can't lose!" Acme Pregnancy Test: "Be positive every time!" "Sink your life savings in an Acme boat!" "Acme razors are a cut above the competition!" "Take Ex-Lax, for that 'get-up-and-go' feeling!" %% Sloppy, raggedy-assed old life. I love it. I never want to die. -- Dennis Trudell %% Sloth makes all things difficult, but industry all easy; and he that riseth late, must trot all day, and shall scarce overtake his business at night; while laziness travels so slowly, that poverty soon overtakes him. -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) %% Slous' Contention: If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. %% Slow day. Practice crawling. %% Slower Traffic Keep Right - Is that so difficult? %% Slug Sautee: a hors of a different d'oeuvre. %% Sluggish idleness -- the nurse of sin. -- Spenser %% Slums may well be breeding grounds of crime, but middle class suburbs are incubators of apathy and delirium. -- Cyril Connolly, "The Unquiet Grave" 1945 %% Small changes pick up the reins from nowhere. %% Small children, given a playground, a meadow or a stretch of street, will at once begin to create a sport based on the relationships of trees, posts, benches or whatever. When the code is complete and sides chosen, woe to the child who makes the aberrant move in the game. There are cries of "You can't do that. It's the rule!" The odd phrase "It's the rule," shouted by children all over the world in different languages, is an impassioned demand for the maintenance of an orderly world. -- Heywood Hale Broun (1888-1939) %% Small deeds done are better than great deeds planned. %% Small habits well pursued, betimes, May reach the dignity of crimes. -- Hannah More %% Small is beautiful. -- Schumacher's Dictum %% Small programs are for small minds. %% Small things make base men proud. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" %% Smash forehead on keyboard to continue %% Smash the government postal monopoly. %% Smear the road with a runner!! %% Smile - it makes 'em wonder what you're up to. %% Smile if you are Jesus %% Smile! Cthulhu loves you %% Smile! You're on Candid Camera. %% Smile! You're on Candid Cookie! %% Smile, and the world smiles with you. Frown, and you frown alone. %% Smile, smile, then smile again. %% Smiley faces were meant to be annoying. %% Smith and Dunbar were on a cruise up the Nile. Though good friends, they had a falling out over a woman. Enraged, Smith, much the larger and stronger of the two, took hold of his friend and threw him bodily into the river, in amongst the crocodiles. Within moments Smith was filled with remorse. He made the captain stop, and went back in a dinghy to search for his friend, but had no luck. He left the cruise and spent the next month looking for Dunbar -- no luck. Smith went back to Cairo. There he heard rumors that Dunbar had survived and was in town. A long search proved futile, so Smith hired a private detective. In a few days the detective found Dunbar, still very jittery from his terrible experience and drinking heavily. He reported back to Smith: ``The Dunbar you have Niled is a sot and nervous at this time...'' %% Smoke a little dope and walk out in the air: the stars are all connected to the brain. -- The Who %% Smokes two packs per day and consumes one quart of alcohol per day for past 10 years. Admitted with diagnosis of shortness of breath and increasing abdominal girth, etiology unknown. %% Smokey the Bear says, "Only you can prevent forest fires." %% Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. %% Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish. %% Smoking is a leading cause of statistics. %% Smoking will kill you. Either stop now or don't ever start. %% Smurf exterminator. %% Snails are hermaphrodites, both male and female at once. When they mate they shoot little calcium darts with attached hoses into each other and winch in the hoses. Semen is then swapped through the hoses. -- Paul Johnson (paj@gec-mrc.co.uk) %% Snails are the only creatures on earth that have retractable horns. Both the shape of an animal and its habits are inseparably linked with the kind of food it eats. Small creatures, the early mammals came into their own with the death of giant reptiles. Rodents are the commonest mammals. Come, let me be your guide through the animal kingdom. %% Snakes are often found under worthless objects. %% Snakes do it in the grass. %% Snipers do it with a bang. %% Snobol programmers do it in strings. %% Snoopy has fleas. %% Snow Day - stay home. %% Snow White: "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting seven inches... but not an inch at a time! %% Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough. %% Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look at what they can do when they stick together. %% Snowstorms are God's way of saying, "You've been working too hard." %% So I'm a comma to Ameriga forra vacation anna first thing, I'm up inna ma hotel room anna theres only one-a shit onna bed [one sheet on the bed] - so I'm a call up the maid and tell er I wanna two shit. She tell me, "so usea da toilet." I say "You no unnerstant! [The tag line of the joke] I wanna two shit on the bed!" And she say, "You better no shit onna bed, you sonna na bitch!" [The remaining episodes have-a da same, I mean have the same flavor...] Ima go in fora breakfast and the waitress she only bring-a me one piss a toast. So I tell her I wanna two piss. She tell me use the bathroom... I say "You no unnerstant! I wanna two piss here onna table!" She tell me "you better no piss onna table, you sonna na bitch!" Then she bringa my silverware, and she bring a knife anna spoon, but no fock. I tell er I wanna fock. She tell me everybody wanna fock. I say "You no unnerstant! I wanna fock here onna table." She say, "Whatta you, crazy? You sonna na bitch!" ... So, as Ima inna airport to go home, thissa guy come up to me anna say "Peace on you!" So I say, "pees on you too, buddy! You sonna na bitch!" Next time Ima gonna go to Holland... %% So St. Peter was questioning a certain black fellow at the Pearly Gates: ``So, what achievements have you made in your lifetime?'' ``Well, I once won a basketball game with a slam dunk in the last second!'' ``Hey, that's pretty good! When did this happen?'' ``Well, for that one you hafta go back `bout ten years''. ``Hmmm, that's kind of a long time ago. Have you done anything of merit more recently?'' ``Well, I once ran 100 meters in less than 10 seconds!'' ``Wow, no one up here has done that before! When did this happen?'' ``That was 5 years ago, back in high school. It was wind-aided.'' ``Hmmm, that's still very impressive. One more thing and you're in. Anything at all more recent?'' ``Well, OK, how about this. I once made love to a white woman under the bleachers at a Ku-Klux-Klan rally.'' ``Holy Smokes! That takes real courage! Few men have done that before! When did this happen?'' ``Oh, jus' about 10 minutes ago. . .'' %% So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making. A trap - walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force they must fall - for, against that force they fight because of duty, because of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base - whose only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force. Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength - to restore. -- Gerry Conway, "Thor #193" %% So dry & yet so wet. %% So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to extrapolate the location of their kitchens). -- Theodore Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost" %% So here was this fellow of Strensall Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, Anemic, 'tis true, But an interesting screw, Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. %% So it came to pass that Quasimoto wanted to retire, so he put an ad in the paris times for a bell ringer. The interviews were scheduled for tuesday in the belltower at notre dame. uas lined up three applicants and explained the job was fairly simple but had to done well. With that he gave a demonstration, he grabbed the bell rope swung over the tower's central well and back pushing way the hell out of the tower and came back in hitting the largest bell in the full frontal mode with total body contact causing a pure and dulcet tone to emanate from the bell. The first applicant gave it shot, didn't swing out very far and produced a sort of clank. Our hero disqualified him. The second applicant did well but the tone was still dull. The third guy being in desperate need of a job (probably a former stock broker) and wanting to learn a new skill (yup) swung way the hell swung back in and made a perfect full frontal hit, causing a clank - thud tone to ring out and unfortunately knocking himself unconscious and falling many stories to the base of the tower and of course died. the police arrived and when quasimoto climbed down the police approached him and asked: "do you know this man ?" Quas replied "nope, his face sure doesn't ring any bells with me" %% So it seems that McCormick and McPherson have been the closest of friends since they were wee laddies, and now they've grown old and McCormick is very ill. He calls McPherson to his bedside...and McPherson is terribly upset, crying and wailing "oh, my old friend McCormick, ye can't be dyin'"... McCormick speaks: "I want ye to do me one last wish when I'm dead and in my grave" - to which McPherson starts wailing even louder: "oh my old friend, anything you want, of course (boo hoo hoo)" McCormick speaks: "Over on that shelf is a bottle of the finest Scotch Whiskey, which I've saved for over 60 years. When I'm dead and buried, I want you to take that whiskey and pour it all over my grave." McPherson: "Of course I will McCormick, anything ye say... but would ye mind terribly if I strained it through me kidneys first?" %% So just what ARE time flies, and why do they like an ARROW? %% So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. %% So long as you are ready to die for humanity, the life of your country is immortal. -- Giuseppe Mazzini %% So many bytes, so few cps. %% So many damsels, so little time %% So many lawyers, so few bullets. %% So many men, so few straight. %% So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) %% So many pedestrians, so little time! %% So many things you cannot do, so little time to do them all in. -- Ambidextrous Rex %% So many toys, so little time... %% So many women, and so little time! %% So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work. %% So much time and so little to do. -- Willie Wonka %% So much depends upon a red wheel barrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens. -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow" %% So of cheerfulness, or of good temper, the more it is spent, the more it remains. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) %% So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so. -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" %% So sure are you! Tried have you? Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say? Try not. Do! Do! Or do not. There is no try. -- Yoda %% So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom. -- Psalms 90:10 %% So there were these two good ol' boys out hunting in the woods. One of them stepped into the brush to take a leak. Just at that moment, a rattlesnake struck and bit him in a spot which would not normally be vulnerable :-) His buddy did not really know what to do about snakebites, so he ran all the way back to the nearest town and asked a doctor what to do about snakebite. "Well, first make a small incision about the wound, and then suck the venom out- you have to suck hard to make sure you get it all." Thinking this over as we made his way back to camp, he finally arrived and announced to his friend: "Bad new Joe: you're gonna die." %% So they're building this tunnel between France and England. England drives on the left side of the road. France drives on the right side of the road. That's going to be one busy lane!!!! %% So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny old water flat on the lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation has eaten up out Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week and we've got no money left for food." "Could I do anything to help?" she asked. "Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way. You're going to have to go out and hustle." "Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?" "It's the only way," he said. Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came staggering in early the next morning. "How did you do?" asked the husband. "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents." "Four dollars and ten cents," he said. "Who gave you the ten cents?" "Everybody," she said. %% So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do something else with them besides think. -- Anita Loos %% So this is the end of Part one. My friends, I have only begun to speak of light verse that will only get worse with each part. You'll be glad when I'm done. [dep] %% So this it it. We're going to die. %% So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope. "Hey, father," he said. "Have you heard the joke about the two Polacks who --" "My son," the Pope said. "I'm Polish." The salesman thought for a moment. "That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly." %% So this young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot. Well the guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it's a real "smart-ass" with an vulgar vocabulary and rude temperment. The YL says thats OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyways. _SO_ the YL gets the bird home puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. After she removes her blouse, and then her bra... the parrot blurts out, "AWK... GREAT TITS BABY LETS SEE YA SHAKE UM". Well the the YL isn't gonna take this shit so she takes the bird out of the cage and puts it in the freezer for 5 min. _WELL_ the parrot has lots of time to think, and remorse gives way to desperation, and finally to anger so that the adrenalin will allow him to continue to live. _FINALLY_ the YL opens the freezer door take out the near frozen parrot and asks... "Well, have you learned your lesson?" The parrot still shivering and barely able to speak says... "AWK... YEA YEA SURE SURE, BUT I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION..." The YL says... "You May Ask It" The parrot says "AWK... WHAT DID THE TURKEY DO, ASK FOR A BLOW JOB" %% So we grew together, like to a double cherry, seeming parted but yet a union in partition, two lovely berries moulded on one stem; so, with two seeming bodies, but one heart. -- William Shakespeare %% So what else is new? -- Walter Cronkite %% So what you do is do the best you can, express the genuine concern you feel for the environment... but not take irresponsible action to guard against incidents of this nature. -- President George Bush, commenting on the Exxon Valdez oil spill for the first time, seven days after it happened %% So where the sheer incompetence of politicians and generals used to start wars, the sheer incompetence of us computer people has now put an end to it. No mean feat. For centuries humanity has been looking for the Weapon That Would End War Forever. We have found it. War has ended, not with the bang of a bomb, but with the gentle whisper of crashing software. -- Gerard Stafleu (gerard@uwovax.uwo.ca) %% So you kept your little treasure chest of grief that you would open when you want to peek at your old little pains and multiply a little grief that lasted seconds into a novel of "woe is me" - and make us read the boring text and thus excuse yourself of all your crimes - just because life's been so unkind. %% So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money? -- Ayn Rand %% So you're back... about time... %% So! You've found me! Well you won't stop me! Tomorrow I unleash Microbe X! %% So, I guess this means the engagement's off. %% So, how's your love life? Still holding your own? %% So, if there's no God, who changes the water? -- [two goldfish in a bowl, New Yorker Cartoon] %% So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYBEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!! %% So, your daughter got voted "most likely to conceive", and you're still drinking ordinary scotch? %% So...so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell? Blue skies from pain? Can you tell a green field From a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell? Did they get you to trade Your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change? Did you exchange A walk on part in a war For the lead role in a cage? -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" %% So? %% Soaking the brain in alcohol does not preserve the mind. %% Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% Soccer players do it for kicks. %% Social Democracy rests on the assumption that it is desirable to preserve the capitalist system of private enterprise, and that the evils of this system can be sufficiently corrected by the democratic method of procedure. -- Carl Becker %% Social groups are generally in disarray. To protect themselves from other groups, especially the groups just below them, groups will attempt to convey an appearance of interior order and purpose they do not possess. -- Arthur Herzog %% Social institutions will change only at the speed required to protect them from attack--slowly or fast to the degree required, but usually slowly. They will put off change as long as possible. -- Arthur Herzog %% Social legislation cannot repeal physical laws. -- Dalin B. Oaks %% Social values and habits dictate economic activity and not the other way around. -- Alexander Hamilton %% Socialism is bureaucracy of the people, by the people, and for the people. %% Socialism is nothing but the capitalism of the lower classes. -- Oswald Spengler %% Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty. %% Socialism is workable only in heaven where it isn't needed, and in hell where they've got it. -- Cecil Palmer %% Socialism works, but nowhere as efficiently as in the beehive and the anthill. %% Societies will, of course, wish to exercise prudence in deciding which technologies -- that is, which applications of science -- are to be pursued and which not. But without funding basic research, without supporting the acquisition of knowledge for its own sake, our options become dangerously limited. -- Carl Sagan %% Society can only pursue its normal course by means of a certain progression of changes. -- John, Viscount Morley %% Society can overlook murder, adultery or swindling; it can never forgive the preaching of a new gospel. -- Frederic Harrison (1831-1923) %% Society heaps honors on the unique, creative personality, but not until he has been dead for fifty years. -- Charles Merrill Smith %% Society is a mule, not a car...If pressed too hard, it will kick and throw off its rider. %% Society is like a lawn, where every roughness is smoothed, every bramble eradicated, and where the eye is delighted by the smiling verdure of a velvet surface. He, however, who would study nature in its wildness and variety, must plunge into the forest, must explore the glen, must stem the torrent, and dare the precipice. -- Washington Irving %% Society is like a stew. If you don't keep it stirred up, you get a lot of scum on top. -- Edward Abbey %% Society, Kira, is a stupendous whole. If you write a whole line of zeroes, it's still -- nothing. -- Kira Argounova %% Sociogenetics, Second Law of: The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent. %% Sock it to me with apathy. %% Sock it to me! %% Socrates eats hemlock! %% Sod's Law #9:The comfort of your lecture hall seat is inversely proportional to the length of the lecture. %% Soderquist's Paradox: There are more horse's asses than horses. %% Sodomy is a pain in the ass. %% Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty, Father, why do these words sound so nasty? -- Hair %% Soft errors encountered in last hour = %% Soft soap often has a high percentage of lye in it. -- Salada tea %% Software - typically silk nighties, nylons, garter belts. Contrast with hardware. %% Software Engineering: How to program if you cannot. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra %% Software Independent: Won't work with ANY software. %% Software engineering? That's like military intelligence, isn't it? -- sysmgr@king.eng.umd.edu (Doug Mohney) %% Software entities are more complex for their size than perhaps any other human construct because no two parts are alike. If they are, we make the two similar parts into a subroutine -- open or closed. In this respect, software systems differ profoundly from computers, buildings, or automobiles, where repeated elements abound. -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr. %% Software means never having to say you're finished %% Software will be a science when programmers stand on each other's shoulders instead of each other's toes. %% Soldiers do it standing erect. %% Soldiers in WWII referred to canned or powered milk as 'armored cow'. %% Soldiers who wish to be a hero Are practically zero, But those who wish to be civilians, They run into the millions. %% Solutions are obvious if one only has the optical power to observe them over the horizon. -- K. A. Arsdall %% Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy, Drank up several bottles of sherry; In the Yard around three They were shrieking with glee: "Come on out, we are burning a fairy!" -- Edward Gorey %% Some actions have an end but no beginning; some begin but do not end. It all depends upon where the observer is standing. -- Frank Herbert %% Some are weatherwise, some are meteorologists. -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac %% Some assembly required. %% Some books are to be tasted; others swallowed; and some to be chewed and digested. -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626) %% Some books leave us free and some books make us free. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) %% Some boys wanted to run away with Nasrudin's slippers. They crowded around him and said, "Mullah, no one can climb this tree." "Of course they can," Nasrudin said. "I will show you how." He removed his slippers, but then, sensing something amiss, stuck them in his waistband and proceeded up the tree. The discomfited boys asked, "Why do you not leave your slippers here on the ground?" Nasrudin replied, "If this tree has never been climbed, how do I know there is not a road up there?" %% Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them. Others are so fast, they don't notice you. %% Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk. -- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) %% Some day science may have the existence of mankind in its power, and the human race commit suicide by blowing up the world. (1862) -- Henry Brooks Adams (1838-1918) %% Some days I wish I was that I was then I wish I was what I am now. %% Some days he was inconsolable and would run down the beach, reviling himself saying, "Run, you fat pig! Little wonder no woman will look at you!" %% Some days you're a bug, some days you're a windshield. %% Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant! %% Some days, nothing goes left. %% Some decent, regulated pre-eminence, some preference given to birth, is neither unnatural nor unjust nor impolite. -- Edmund Burke %% Some do, some don't. %% Some equipment shown is optional. %% Some farewells are easier than others. -- P. Marlowe %% Some folks can look so busy doing nuthin' that they seem indispensable. -- Kin Hubbard %% Some foolish men declare that a Creator made the world. The doctrine that the world was created is ill-advised, and should be rejected. If God created the world, where was He before creation? How could God have made the world without any raw material? If you say He made this first, and then the world, you are faced with an endless regression ... Know that the world is uncreated, as time itself is, without beginning and end. -- The Mahapurana, Jinasena %% Some force seems to be protecting you from the flames for the time being. In any case, you are unharmed. %% Some gentlemen born under Aries Are likely to go by contraries. They're apt to ignore The sweet girl next door And feel much attracted to fairies. %% Some hae meat that canna eat, And some would eat that want it; But we hae meat, and we can eat, Sae let the Lord be thankit. -- Burns %% Some invisible force prevents you from passing through the gate. %% Some lives are tragic, some ridiculous. Most are both at once. -- Edward Abbey %% Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it. %% Some men become proud and insolent because they ride a fine horse, wear a feather in their hat or are dressed in a fine suit of clothes. Who does not see the folly of this? If there be any glory in such things, the glory belongs to the horse, the bird and the tailor. -- St. Frances de Sales %% Some men by ancestry are only the shadow of a mighty name. -- Lucan %% Some men feel that the only thing they owe the woman who marries them is a grudge. -- Helen Rowland %% Some men put me in mind of half-bred horses, which often grow worse in proportion as you feed and exercise them for improvement. -- Greville %% Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. -- Woodie Guthrie %% Some men see things as they are and ask, "Why?" I dream things that never were and say, "Why not?" -- Robert Francis Kennedy (1925-1968), quoted in "Esquire" %% Some men who fear that they are playing second fiddle aren't in the band at all. %% Some minds are like concrete - all mixed up and permanently set. %% Some mistakes we must carry with us. -- Speaker-to-Animals "Ringworld" %% Some monster encountered a strange trap. %% Some monsters can be tamed. I once saw a hacker with a tame Dragon! %% Some more unanswered questions to cast out to be trodden under foot of men: How can a book print explicit instructions for manufacturing illegal drugs and get away with it because of a disclaimer about the book being for entertainment purposes only? Whatever happened to the manned Mars mission that President Bush promised us? How could a backwards nation like the Soviet Union become our main rival? If time stopped, would we notice it? Why doesn't any businesses want to take a MINOR credit card? %% Some mountain-climbing equipment is for sale. %% Some mountaineers are proud of having done all their climbs without bivouac. How much they have missed! And the same applies to those who enjoy only rock climbing, or only the ice climbs, only the ridges or the faces. We should refuse none of the thousand and one joys that the mountains offer us at every turn. We should brush nothing aside, set no restrictions. We should experience hunger and thirst, be able to go fast, but also know how to go slowly and to contemplate. -- Gaston Rebuffat, "Starlight and Storm" %% Some nights when the knights sat down to dine, Sir Claude would say: 'That girl of mine Makes every woman jealous when she sees her.' Then someone else would shout: 'Behave, Thou malapert and scurvy knave, Or I will smite thee one upon the beezer!' And then next morning in the lists They'd take their lances in their fists And mount a pair of chargers, highly mettled: And when Sir Claude, so fair and young, Got punctured in the leg or lung, They looked upon the argument as settled. -- P. G. Wodehouse %% Some of my ancestors fought in the American Revolution. A few more wore red coats, a few wore blue coats, and the rest wore no coats at all. We never did figure out who won that war. -- Edward Abbey %% Some of my best friends are continuous functions, i just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. %% Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. The answer is: I don't know. Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? %% Some of the benefits of the Anthony Dollar ... to the consumer ... The new dollar coin is ... Easy to find in pocket or change purse since it is sized between the quarter and half dollar and weighs 1/3 as much as four quarters -- "the dollar of the future", flyer of the Federal Reserve Board, ca. 1978 %% Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor -- unassisted. -- Wilson Mizner %% Some of the more environmentally aware dinosaurs were worried about the consequences of an accident with the new Iridium enriched fusion reactor. "If it goes off only the cockroaches and mammals will survive..." they said. %% Some of the things that live the longest in peoples' memories never really happened. %% Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. %% Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, everybody's looking for something. -- Eurythmics %% Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -- Gloria Steinem %% Some of your objects are no longer here. %% Some parts of the past must be preserved, and some of the future prevented at all costs. %% Some people LOVE cats for what they are; others ARE cats for what they love. %% Some people are discovered; others are found out. %% Some people are like a callus; they always show up when the work is finished %% Some people are quick to criticize cliches, but what is a cliche? It is a truth that has retained its validity through time. Mankind would lose half its hard-earned wisdom, built up patiently over the ages, if it ever lost its cliches. -- Marvin G. Gregory %% Some people are so nice to be nasty to. %% Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week. -- William Dean Howells %% Some people carve careers, others chisel them. %% Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. %% Some people have a great ambition: to build something that will last, at least until they've finished building it. %% Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. %% Some people have parts that are so private they themselves have no knowledge of them. %% Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. %% Some people need a good imaginary cure for their painful imaginary ailment. %% Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed. %% Some people who boast about how broadminded thay are may just be too lazy to find out which side they're on. %% Some people who slap you on the back are trying to help you swallow what they just told you. %% Some people will believe anything if it is whispered to them. %% Some people write to please, to soothe, to console. Others to provoke, to challenge, to exasperate and infuriate. I've always found the second approach the more pleasing. -- Edward Abbey %% Some people's Yosemite is the Vortex, the P.O. Wall, Astroman; I look back several years and see that my Yosemite, more than anything on El Cap or the cookie, is scarfing. The other day a gorgeous score presented itself to me on a nearby restaurant table. I couldn't scarf it: no guts, and I haven't kept my hand in. I'm older and more dignified, and about to start a "real" job. (Horrors!) It was like coming back with a rope to a climb you once soloed, and not being able to do it anymore. -- Alison Osius, "The Scarfers Handbook" %% Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains. They say things they haven't even thought of yet. %% Some play for gain; to pass time others play For nothing; both play the fool I say: Nor time nor coin I'll lose, or idly spend; Who gets by play, proves loser in the end. -- Heath %% Some primal termite knocked on wood. And tasted it, and found it good. And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today. -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971) %% Some quotes from "Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL" by Ed Post: The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is by the programming language he (or she) uses. Real Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. * Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN. * Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN. * Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN. * Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN. If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. If you can't do it in assembly language, it isn't worth doing. Besides, the determined Real Programmer can write FORTRAN programs in any language. %% Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. %% Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice I think I know enough of hate To say that for destruction, ice Is also great And would suffice -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice" %% Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. -- Folk saying %% Some settling of contents may occur during shipping. %% Some sparkling little baubles are at your feet. %% Some sweat-hoggin' mama with a face like a gent said my "get-up-and-go" musta got up and went. Well, I got good news, she's a real good liar, 'cuz my backstage boogie'll set your pants on fire! -- Aerosmith %% Some text has been burned here in the floor. %% Some things have got to be believed to be seen. %% Some thought Edgar Allan Poe was a raven lunatic. %% Some time ago, pedestrian traffic signals would show the words "WALK" or "DON'T WALK" as appropriate. There was a button you could press if you wanted to cross. Then the signs were improved, by replacing the words with pictures -- one of a hand, one of a man walking. This was done for the benefit of people who can't understand printed words. There followed a long period of stability, with little or no innovation. Yesterday, as I was crossing the street, I noticed that the signals have once again been enhanced. There is now a little sign above the button with a printed explanation of what the pictures mean. This was, of course, done for the benefit of people who can't understand pictures. %% Some will always be above the others. Destroy the equality today, and it will appear again tomorrow. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) %% Some women are like musical glasses. To keep them in tune they must be wet. -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge %% Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs. -- Noel Coward %% Some worn-out batteries have been discarded nearby. %% Some years ago a friend of mine was taking a magnetic computer tape through customs in Egypt. The customs staff on discovering the tape started to unreel it onto the floor. When my friend asked what they were looking for they told him that they were checking the film for pornographic scenes. %% Somebody forgot to logoff, so this .signature is a product of vandals. Send mail to hell. %% Somebody is trying some trickery here ... %% Somebody should have warned the Trojans. Beware of gifts bearing Greeks. -- Solomon Short %% Somebody tries to rob you, but finds nothing to steal. %% Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. I found a pile of them over in the corner. %% Someday God will log you out. %% Someday I may surprise you and say something nice.... But don't hold your breath. %% Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but ... %% Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it. %% Someday there is going to be a book about a middle aged man with a good job, a beautiful wife and two lovely children who still manages to be happy. -- Bill Vaughan %% Someday we will live in a world free of shallow people who make judgements based on physical appearance. Until then, make your color and perm appointment at the Jon Giannos Salon. -- From an ad for the salon %% Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it? %% Someday you'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. %% Someday your prints will come. %% Someday, perhaps, a state or city will pass up the names of famous people and name new facilities "Taxpayer Stadium." -- Bill Vaughan %% Somehow Will found the summit cairn and a log- book inside an old can. "Our best climb," he wrote. "My only climb," I told Will. If I wasn't a real climber then, at least I knew I could have a chance at it. When we finally stumbled back down into the valley I felt as if I'd been jogging in Afghanistan for about two weeks. Despite the sling of pitons, the hammer, and the Robbins boots arrayed upon me, I plunged straight into the Merced river, swallowing, and didn't surface till my belly felt 10 months pregnant. -- John Long, Direct North Buttress, Middle Cathedral Rock, Yosemite Valley %% Somehow you escaped the shop without paying! %% Somehow, I just can't picture you in a garter belt and stockings. %% Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it. %% Someone broke into the Wilmington, Delaware police department and stole all of the plumbing fixtures. The police say that they currently have nothing to go on. %% Someone carrying a large bag is casually leaning against one of the walls here. He does not speak, but it is clear from his aspect that the bag will be taken only over his dead body. %% Someone does indeed increase him. Ten pairs of tortoises cannot oppose it. Supreme good fortune. %% Someone does indeed increase him; Ten pairs of tortoises cannot oppose it. Constant perseverance brings good fortune. The king presents him before God. Good fortune. %% Someone has compared Southern California to a granola cereal; when you take away the fruits and the nuts, all you have left are the flakes. %% Someone is speaking well of you. But the listener is unbelieving. %% Someone is speaking well of you. That same person is known for gross exaggerations.. %% Someone is talking about you behind your back. %% Someone is unenthusiastic about your work...guess who? %% Someone who had begun to read geometry with Euclid, when he had learned the first proposition, asked Euclid, "But what shall I get by learning these things?" whereupon Euclid called his slave and said "Give him three-pence since he must make gain out of what he knows. -- Johannes Stobaeus (5th C. A.D.) %% Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. %% Something better #1 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Obvious: Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face. %% Something better #10 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Commercial: Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. %% Something better #11 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Polite: Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps changing tempo. %% Something better #12 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Melodic: Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose." %% Something better #13 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Sympathetic: Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? %% Something better #14 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Complementary: You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. %% Something better #15 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides. %% Something better #16 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Obscure: Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone. %% Something better #17 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Inquiry: When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? %% Something better #18 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna French: Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave. %% Something better #19 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. %% Something better #2 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Meteorological: Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. %% Something better #20 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Religious: The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He. %% Something better #21 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair. %% Something better #22 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine! %% Something better #23 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee . . . in Brazil. %% Something better #24 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Appreciative: Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth capped. %% Something better #25 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Dirty: Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it? %% Something better #3 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger. Like ... Wyoming. %% Something better #4 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Personal: Well, here we are. Just the three of us. %% Something better #5 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Punctual: Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen minutes late. %% Something better #6 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Envious: Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your own ear. %% Something better #7 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Naughty: Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. %% Something better #8 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Philosophical: You know. It's not the size of a nose thats important. It's what's in it that matters. %% Something better #9 from Roxanne starring Steve Martin & Darryl Hanna Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye Seattle. %% Something flutters out onto the floor. %% Something is engraved here on the floor. %% Something is rotten in the state of confusion. %% Something is written here in the dust. %% Something is written in a very strange way. %% Something like " Everybody should get a labotomy(sp) " %% Something seems funny about the feel of the buoy. %% Something seems to be holding you. %% Something to tell the grandchildren." -- TRB in THE NEW REPUBLIC %% Something you're carrying won't fit through the tunnel with you. You'd best take inventory and drop something. %% Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. -- William Shakespeare %% Something's wrong...I can't suspend %% Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn. -- N. V. Plyter %% Sometime, you've gotta break the rules. %% Sometimes I am very sly Other times a trade I ply Over the billows swift I fly Now pray tell me what am I? Craft %% Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away, Looking at me, I got nothin' to say. Don't make me angry with the things games that you play, Either light up or leave me alone. %% Sometimes I feel like the next guy that everybody is always better off than. %% Sometimes I live in the country, And sometimes I live in town. And sometimes I have a great notion, To jump in the river and drown. -- Big Bill Broonzy %% Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits. %% Sometimes I sits hear and thinks, and sometimes I just sits. %% Sometimes I think my ears are hearing voices. %% Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" %% Sometimes democracy must be bathed in blood. -- Augusto Pinochet %% Sometimes enough faster covers for a little wrong :> %% Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. -- Seneca %% Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?" -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) %% Sometimes it was difficult to remember that the individuals within an alien species could differ as thoroughly as humans did. -- "The Ringworld Engineers" %% Sometimes luck isn't enough. -- L. Luciano %% Sometimes monsters are more likely to fight each other than attack you. %% Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing. -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) %% Sometimes the best law of all is no law at all. Not all the world's ills are susceptible to legislative correction. -- Pierre S. du Pont %% Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. %% Sometimes the crowd is right. %% Sometimes the light is all shining on me, Other times I can hardly see. Lately it occurs to me What a long strange trip it's been. -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty" %% Sometimes the things you most wish for are not to be touched. -- Into the Woods %% Sometimes there's no point in giving up. -- Louis Wu "The Ringworld Engineers" %% Sometimes they just grow, and grow, and grow... %% Sometimes what a person escapes to is worse than what they escapes from. %% Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. -- Snoopy %% Sometimes when I look at my children I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have stayed a virgin.' -- Lillian Carter %% Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't %% Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. %% Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them. -- Richard Milhouse Nixon %% Sometimes, it is better to keep your mouth shut and appear the fool, than to speak and prove yourself one. %% Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her. -- Andy Capp %% Sometimes, where a complex problem can be illuminated by many tools, one can be forgiven for applying the one he knows best. -- Robert Machol %% Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind - but don't make it a habit. %% Somewhat to the north, identical stone statues face each other from pedestals on opposite sides of the corridor. The statues represent Guardians of Zork, a military order of ancient lineage. They are portrayed as heavily armored warriors standing at ease, hands clasped around formidable bludgeons. %% Somewhere in the world there is an epigram for every dilemma. -- Hendrik Willem Van Loon %% Somewhere nearby is colossal cave, where others have found fortunes in treasure and gold, though it is rumored that some who enter are never seen again. Magic is said to work in the cave. I will be your eyes and hands. Direct me with commands of 1 or 2 words. I should warn you that I look at only the first five letters of each word, so you'll have to enter "northeast" as "ne" to distinguish it from "north". (should you get stuck, type "help" for some general hints. For information on how to end your adventure, etc., type "info".) --- This program was originally developed by Willie Crowther. Most of the features of the current program were added by Don Woods (don @ su-ai). If you have any questions, comments, etc. send mail to ark. %% Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. -- Carl Sagan %% Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider. -- Sky Masterson's Father %% Song title: They can put me in jail for loving you, but they can't stop my face from breaking out. %% Sookin Sin.. %% Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie). %% Sooner or later, generals will own you. %% Sooner will men hold fire in their mouths than keep a secret. %% Sophisticated - So complicated you have to read the manual for a few days straight before you can do anything with it. Most people don't read the manual, however. User-friendly - So simple-minded that after an hour you've got it all figured out. The next day, you can't discover any other use for it. The exact opposite of sophisticated. If something is supposed to be both sophisticated and user-friendly, you know they're lying. %% Sopranos do it in unison. %% Sorrow seems sent for out instruction, as we darken the cages of birds when we would teach them to sing. -- Richter %% Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water. -- Little Richard %% Sorry -- this must be your first command. Better luck next time! %% Sorry about that, Chief! -- Maxwell Smart %% Sorry about your Rectocranial Inversion. %% Sorry can't talk right now! This building is about to blow up! %% Sorry never means having you're say to love. %% Sorry, I'm busy with debugging. Try again later. %% Sorry, You can't play hack now %% Sorry, but I am not allowed to give more detail. I will repeat the long description of your location. %% Sorry, but I no longer seem to remember how it was you got here. %% Sorry, my english is not very good. No punt intended. %% Sorry, no fortune this time. Better luck next time! %% Sorry, no obscene fortunes. Don't want to offend anyone. (Now that's obscene!) %% Sorry, only one incantation to a customer. %% Sorry, this attempt at running the fortune program has failed. %% Sorry, you're savefile is out of date. %% Sorry. I don't "do" COBOL. %% Sorry. Nice try. %% Soubcon is French for a small amount, only morceau. -- Alan F. G. Lewis %% Sound is worth money. %% Sound of artillery fire in the distance. A lone harmonica plays Red River Valley. A voice, barely past adolescence... 'Sarge... Sarge?' A gruffer voice responds. 'Yeah, kid what is it?' 'Sarge.....do you ever...do you ever get scared?' 'Sure, kid, I guess everybody does' 'Well....then...then what do you do about it, Sarge?' 'Well, kid, I wait for the tone and then I leave my name and a short message. Joe always gets back to me.' 'Thanks Sarge' %% Soundalike slang: similar to Cockney rhyming slang. Often made up on the spur of the moment. Standard examples: Boston Globe => Boston Glob Herald American => Horrid (Harried) American New York Times => New York Slime Dime Time => Slime Time historical reasons => hysterical raisins government property - do not duplicate (seen on keys) => government duplicity - do not propagate Often the substitution will be made in such a way as to slip in a standard jargon word: Dr. Dobb's Journal => Dr. Frob's Journal creeping featurism => feeping creaturism Margaret Jacks Hall => Marginal Hacks Hall %% Sounds like a personal problem to me. %% Sounds travel slowly. Sometimes the things you say to your kids don't reach them till they're in their 40s. %% Soup is the essence of meat. %% Sour discontent that quarrels with our fate May give fresh smart, but not the old abate; The uneasy passion's disingenuous wit, The ill reveals but hides the benefit. -- Sir Richard Blackmore %% Sour grapes usually make sour whine... -- Solomon Short %% Source: A colleague at Dept. of Information Systems in Olympia, WA. Know what HECK is? It's where people go when they don't believe in GOSH! %% Source: Classified (Person to Person) in Chicago Tribune 12/6/91 WILL the lady who left her 11 kids at Lambeau Field please pick them up. They're beating the Packers 21-0. %% South Carolina law prohibits pants with hip pockets, as furnishing too convenient a place for pint bottles. %% South of the border: The Hispanics despise the mestizos, the mestizos look with contempt on *Los Indios*, the Indians take it out on their women and dogs. -- Edward Abbey %% Souvent femme varie, bien fol est qui s'y fie (Often does a woman change, and only a fool trusts her) %% Soviet Method: Set working methods in complicated rules and numerous authorizations. Nothing will therefore happen, for which no blame can be put on you. %% Soviet Venereal Disease - by Itl Rotchakokoff %% Soviet power is a new type of state in which there is no bureaucracy, no police, no standing army. -- V. I. Lenin (1870-1924) %% Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny. %% Space People read our mail. %% Space expands to house the people to perform the work that Congress creates. -- Haynes Johnson %% Space is an illusion, disk space doubly so. %% Space is big. Really big. %% Space is not the final frontier. The final frontier is the human soul. Space is merely the place where we are most likely to meet the challenge. The victory will occur in the continual process of challenging and testing our limits -- both as individuals and as a species -- and not in the amount of territory conquered. -- Solomon Short %% Space is to place as eternity is to time. -- Joseph Joubert %% Space is vast, excellency. %% Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. -- Wheeler %% Space turkey. %% Space, humans next goal in the race for immortality. -- Anmar Mirza %% Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship ENTERPRISE. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before. %% Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. It's five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before. -- Captain James T. Kirk %% Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam ... Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam ... %% Spanish Civil War Communique: Our troops advanced today without losing a foot of ground. %% Spare no expense to save money on this one. -- Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer %% Sparrows do it for a lark (hearsay). %% Spartacus, like Jesus, was also crucified by the Romans. And for equally good reasons. -- Edward Abbey %% Speak little and well, if you would be esteemed as a man of merit. -- Trench %% Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes: He only does it to annoy Because he knows it teases. Wow! wow! wow! I speak severely to my boy, And beat him when he sneezes: For he can thoroughly enjoy The pepper when he pleases! Wow! wow! wow! -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" %% Speak softly. Others carry big sticks. %% Speak the language of the country you are in; speak it purely, and unlarded with any other. -- Chesterfield %% Speak the truth, but leave immediately after. %% Speak with authority; however, only expound on the obvious and proven facts. %% Speaker to Enzymes %% Speaker-to-Animals: We can't go back, Louis. Louis Wu: No, of course not. Speaker-to-Animals: Not until we can deliver our secret to our respective worlds. And acquire an intact ship. -- "Ringworld" %% Speaking generally, no man appears great to his contemporaries, for the same reason that no man is great to his servants--both know too much of him. -- Colton %% Speaking of Software Problem Reports, this one in the VAX System Dispatch caught my eye: OPERATING SYSTEM: VAX/VMS V2.1 PRODUCT: VAX/VMS COMPONENT: LOGINOUT GRPNAM SECURITY HOLE IN LOGIN PROBLEM STATEMENT: The GRPNAM privilege is an evil demon, allowing the user to invoke its secret entrance for all manner of nefarious purposes not originally intended. RESPONSE FROM DEC: The great wizard VMS confronted the demon, raised his great oaken staff carved in ancient runes, and spoke the magic incantation: "$SETPRV IMAGEACTIVATIONENHANCEDPRIVILEGES $CMKRNL!!" There was a blinding flash of light and puff of smoke, and the demon, reduced to harmlessness, scurried off into the distance. Where his secret entrance had been was naught but a little pile of ashes, which the wind slowly drifted into letters spelling the words "FIXED IN V2.3". %% Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's on sale. Everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! %% Speaking on the record to a journalist is like feeding noodles to a tiger. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 %% Speaking only for myself, one of my many tricks. %% Special Science Feature: All-Purpose METRIC Conversion Table. 1 snail eater = 7.3 snail liters 1 pack + 1 liter = 1 liter of the pack 5 parking meters = 8.2 parking centimeters 10 scents = 1 stink 50,000 decibels = 1 Twisted Sister concert Cost of 1 ear operation = Mega-bucks (see last entry) 1 Tidal Wave = 47.92 Microwaves 64 kilobytes = Next to nothing %% Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!! Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions. Faculty members especially welcome. %% Specialists are people who always repeat the same mistakes. -- Walter Gropius %% Specify what? %% Spectacularism: A fascination with extreme situations. -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% Speed Kills (The Doors) %% Speed Pays -- the doctor, the hospital, the mortuary. %% Speed is just a question of money, How much do you want to go? %% Spell chequers dew knot work write. %% Spell-casting requires magic dust. %% Spelling problems? use "error-correcting" modems! %% Spence's Admonition: Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. %% Spice is the variety of life. %% Spies do it under cover. %% Spilling your guts out is just as charming as it sounds. %% Spinach, carrot, and a melon - a meal fit for a nurse! %% Spirits of peace, where are ye? Are ye all gone? And leave me here in wretchedness behind ye? -- William Shakespeare %% Spiritual leadership should remain spiritual leadership and the temporal power should not become too important in any church. -- Eleanor Roosevelt %% Spirituality is the consciousness of victory over self. -- Victor L. Brown %% Spite is a little word, but it represents as strange a jumble of feelings and compound of discords, as any polysyllable in the language. -- Charles Dickens %% Splitting Apart. It does not further one To go anywhere. %% Spock: The odds of surviving another attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. %% Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. %% Spoken inarticulations: Words such as "mumble", "sigh", and "groan" are spoken in places where their referent might more naturally be used. It has been suggested that this usage derives from the impossibility of representing such noises in a com link. Another expression sometimes heard is "complain!" %% Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. Imagine how deep the ocean would be if you took them out! -- Steven Wright %% Spoove me, baby! %% Sports makes Higher Education palatable for Students who do not belong. -- Veblen %% Spraypainted on a wall in an urban getto "If you lived here, you'ld be home now" %% Spreadsheet - A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a wide variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate assumptions. Word Processor - Software that magically transforms its user into a professional author. Business Graphics - Popular with managers who understand neither decimals, fractions, Roman numerals, nor PI but have more than a passing acquaintance with pies and bars. Database Manager - A program that allows the user to manipulate data in every conceivable way except the absolutely essential one he or she conceives of the day after entering 20 Megabytes of raw data. Integrated Software - A single product that deftly performs hundreds of functions the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-dozen he uses constantly. Windows - A method of dividing a computer screen into two or more unusably tiny portions. -- From the Government Computer News, November 21, 1988 Issue %% Spring is God's way of saying, "One more time!" %% Spring is here, spring is here, Life is skittles and life is beer. %% Springer's Observation: There are no failures at a class reunion. %% Sprinkle's law: Things always fall at right angles. %% Sprung from cages on highway 9, chrome wheels fuel injected and stepping out over the line. %% Squeeze my Lemon, till the juice runs down my leg... %% Squires: The most common X generation subgroup and the only subgroup given to breeding. Squires exist almost exclusively in couples and are recognizable by their frantic attempts to recreate a semblance of Eisenhower-era plenitude in their daily lives in the face of exorbitant housing prices and two-job life-styles. Squires tend to be continually exhausted from their voraciously acquisitive pursuit of furniture and knickknacks. -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% Squirming: Discomfort inflicted on young people by old people who see no irony in their gestures: Karen died a thousand deaths as her father made a big show of tasting a recently manufactured bottle of wine before allowing it to be poured as the family sat in Steak Hut. -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick. %% St. Matthew did it passionately. %% St. Peter and the Devil had an agreement to take turns keeping the gate between H****n and H**l closed. One day St. Peter found the gate open and called out to the Devil that it was the Devil's turn to close it. The Devil yelled back that it was St. Peter's turn. St. Peter got angry and said "If you don't take your turn closing the gate, I'll get an attorney and sue you." The Devil laughed and replied "Oh yeah? Where you gonna get an attorney?" %% Stability is more essential to success than brilliance. -- Richard Lloyd Jones %% Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533-1592) %% Stack mmu: SDR 1 DOESN'T match u.u_segmts for code %% Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes. %% Stale's Law: No matter how careful one is in resealing the inner liner in a cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to the box. %% Stalin dies and goes to hell (of course). But the devil is worried that he might take over, so he won't let him in the gates. Stalin wanders around outside the gates, looking for help, for 3 years. Finally some Hungarians killed in the 1956 uprising come by. Even they feel sorry for poor Stalin, and one of them offers to help. He tells Stalin to climb into a potato sack, and three of them carry it to the wall. They yell up at Satan: "Hey, have you got a fellow named Karl Marx in there ?" The devil says: "Yes, why ?" They toss the sack with Stalin over the wall. "Tell him to come collect the interest on his `Kapital'." %% Stalin is giving a speech in a small auditorium. During a pause, someone in the audience sneezes. Looking up, Stalin asks, "Who sneezed?" No one answers. Stalin orders the guards to escort the last three rows of people outside, where they are executed. Stalin then asks, "So, who sneezed?" Again, no one answers. Again, Stalin orders the guards to escort the last three rows outside. Shots are heard. Again, Stalin asks, "Now! Who sneezed??" A small, bespectacled man in the second row raises his hand and says, "Um, I did, comrade." To which Stalin replies, "Bless you." %% Stamp out Sizesm %% Stamp out distemper -- but don't step in it. %% Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS. %% Stamp out philately! %% Stamp out reality!! %% Stamp out terminologicalinexactituditarianism. %% Stand on the toilet, get high on pot. %% Standard - Similar to something else on the market. %% Standard Deviation %% Standards are industry's way of codifying obsolescence. %% Standing at the very center of the plaza is a stone monument to some forgotten hero. In one majestically upraised arm he holds a rather nasty looking stone sword. %% Standing at the very center of the plaza is a stone monument to some forgotten hero. It appears some vandal has made off with whatever our hero may once have brandished so bravely in his outstretched arm. %% Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. %% Standing on your head makes a smile of a frown, but the rest of your face is also upside down. %% Standing there making a sitting target of himself. %% Standstill is giving way. Good fortune for the great man. "What if it should fail, what if it should fail?" In this way, he ties it to a cluster of mulberry shoots. %% Standstill. Evil people do not further The perseverance of the superior man. The great departs; the small approaches. %% Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: the give them another reason to stay in and study every night. %% Stanley Planet and His Throbbing Unit %% Stanley, we wanna help you do things right. %% Star Trek Lives! %% Star light, star bright, firststarIseetonightIwishImayIwishImight whatever. Stars,like fireflys in the sky, well, not really, actually they're a bit larger than fireflys, and smaller too, and not quite as complex in structure, as far as we know, but a hell of a lot hotter, but its better than a bunch of black. Roses are roses, Violets are violets, Poses are poses, What the hell rhymes with "violets"? Oranges Poranges. Who says? Poems, like fireflys in the sky, ah forget it. I gave my love a cherry, like a red red rose or a violet violet violet, or a pink pink piece of Bazooka. Yeah, that's what love's all about, three cents a piece, and not a drop to drink. By the way, nice necklace, is that pure albatross? Forget I asked. Hark! What light through how does that go again? Mark! What a light through that window! Marc! Can I fly over you? Marque! Parque! Walks in the darque! IknowElektraalthoughnotpersonallybutIreadallaboutherandIwouldn'tmindifsheandIwellyouknowno?wellyououghttoknow'causeIdoandIain'ttelling. If you buy my book I promise to donate the proceeds to charity Charity begins at home on the range gas or electric? -- KU KU EMMINGS %% Stardust on thursday is the only wrong. %% Starkle, starkle, little twink, who the hell you are I think I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep I'm just a little slort of sheep. Tee martoonis make a guy, feel so woozy, I don't know why. So mass the pixer and kill my fup I've all day sober to sunday up. %% Stars scribble in our eyes the frosty sagas, The gleaming cantos of unvanquished space. -- Hart Crane %% Starship trouper, flying high and low... %% Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. -- W. C. Fields %% Start from scratch. %% Start the day with a smile. After that you can be your nasty old self again. %% Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable. %% Start! %% Starting brings misfortune. Perseverance brings danger. When the talk of revolution has gone the rounds three times, One may commit himself, And men will believe him. %% Starting up a suspended game.... %% State capitalism is a contradiction in terms. %% State-of-the-art - When referring to hardware: about five years behind the best research labs. When referring to software: about ten years behind the best research labs. For example, The Unix system is a state-of-the-art operating system written in 1969. %% State: A state is a situation which can be recognized if it occurs again. %% Statements by respected authorities which tend to agree with a writer's viewpoint are always handy. -- Amrom Katz %% Statisticians do it approximately normally. %% Statisticians do it continuously but discretely. After all, it's only normal. %% Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. %% Statisticians do it with a little deviance. %% Statisticians do it with deviates. %% Statisticians do it with probability 1. %% Statisticians have a statisticaly significant chance of doing it. %% Statisticians probably do it. %% Statistics are a highly logical and precise method for saying a half-truth inaccurately. %% Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. -- Aaron Levenstein %% Statistics: A system for expressing your political prejudices in convincing scientific guise. %% Statistics: Numbers looking for an argument. %% Status Substitution: Using an object with intellectual or fashionable cachet to substitute for an object that is merely pricey: "Brian, you left your copy of Camus in your brother's BMW." -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% Status quo: The mess we're in. -- Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary" %% Stay clear of the level of no return. %% Stay in with the Outs (the Ins will make so many mistakes you can't afford to alienate the Outs). %% Stay sweet and innocent. %% Stay the curse. %% Stay together, drag each other down. %% Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time, There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying, One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying, And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late, Though we really did try to make it, Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it... It used to be so easy living here with you, You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool. There'll be good times again for me and you, But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too? But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you... But it's too late baby... It's too late, now darling, it's too late... -- Carol King, "Tapestry" %% Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive! -- V. Dracula %% Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion. -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber" %% Steal my cash, car and TV - but leave the computer! %% Stealing people's mail on a Friday night. %% Stealth condoms: she'll never even see you coming... %% Steckel's Rule to Success: Good enough is never good enough. %% Steel workers do it hotter. %% Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays. Embezzlement is another matter. %% Step #1. Collect a medium quantity of *fresh* dogsh*t, and/or cowpies, place into a box. Step #2. Freeze the contents of the box, thereby removing the odors. Step #3. Nicely wrap the box, and refreeze. Step #4. Give the gift to the victim. Step #5. It thaws...... %% Step back, unbelievers! Or the rain will never come. Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum. You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane, But I swear to you, before this day is out, you folks are gonna see some rain! %% Steve Martin, on his "Wild and Crazy Guy" album, was talking about what he learned in college, and says, "We learned philosophical questions, such as "Does the Pope shit in the woods?" %% Stick a boulder in your behind! %% Stick an extra parenthesis at the end and see if it works. %% Sticks and stones may break my bones But whips and chains excite me! %% Still I hope and I pray that maybe someday you'll walk in the room with my heart. %% Still crazy after all these years. %% Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth... say, do you have a map to the next joint? %% Still more questions for you to stick in the warheads and ship to Russia: Why do smokers think they have the right to litter the world with cigarette butts? Why do places that are open 24 hours have locks on their doors? Does anyone actually like the lemon flavored Trix? Why does the lighter flame always drop to an unusable height in the middle of a bong load? If every beer is made from the finest barley, selected grains, and choicest hops, who makes beer with the inferior stuff? If time stopped, would we notice it? Why doesn't any businesses want to take a MINOR credit card? Why didn't they design compact discs to hold ninety minutes? Where does the G in GNU actually come from? %% Still waters run deep. %% Still, no matter what Webster's says, to me a date is going out with a guy you like, and he opens the doors for me, and I comb my hair and try to be civilized. A date is planned out in advance, so you have plenty of time to get nervous about it. -- Thumper in alt.romance %% Stock Market Axiom: The public is always wrong. %% Stock brokers do it on the margin. %% Stock's Observation: You no sooner get your head above water but what someone pulls your flippers off. %% Stockbroker's Declaration: The market will rally from this or lower levels. %% Stockmayer's Theorem: If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn near impossible. %% Stoicism is the wisdom of madness and cynicism the madness of wisdom. -- Bergen Evans %% Stop air pollution -- quit breathing. %% Stop day dreaming about success. Go out and obtain it. %% Stop entropy. %% Stop it, Dave. Please stop, Dave! %% Stop me, before I kill again! %% Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. %% Stop searching forever. Your TECO buffer is circular. %% Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. %% Stop searching forever. Happiness is nearby. %% Stop searching. Happiness is always on the previous bus. %% Stop smoking! %% Stop taking yourself seriously, nobody else does. %% Stop trying to find yourself...the search isn't worth it. %% Stop watching MTV. %% Stop your searching. Happiness is unattainable. %% Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage on the credulity of human nature. %% Storm Troopers of Death %% Stragglers do it in the rear. %% Straight, square, great. Without purpose, Yet nothing remains unfurthered. %% Stranded in the park and forced to confess to hiding on the backstreets. %% Strange events permit themselves the luxury of occurring. %% Strange faces peering out from the bathroom can be pretty frightening if you are not in good health or spirits. -- Robert Benchley %% Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning... And that, I think, was the handle--that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark--that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" %% Strange, because they are so frankly and hysterically insane -- like all dreams: a God who could make good children as easily as bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who gave his angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice and invented hell -- mouths mercy and invented hell -- mouths Golden Rules, and forgiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented hell; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor, abused slave to worship him! -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), "The Mysterious Stranger" %% Strange, this map is not as I remember it. %% Strange... I didnt know you had that ring. %% Strangelove Reproduction: Having children to make up for the fact that one no longer believes in the future. -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% Strangers from the city, bring her gifts, but when I come walking she smiles pretty, she knows I want to be Candy's boy. %% Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. %% Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy. -- Felicia Hermans %% Strength lies not in defense but in attack. -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945), "Mein Kampf", 1933 %% Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax and have a nice day. %% Strike any key to continue. %% Strike any user when ready. %% Strip mining prevents forest fires. %% Strive to look tremendously important. %% Strong people always have strong weaknesses. %% Strong reasons make strong actions. -- William Shakespeare %% Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle. %% Structured programmers do it repeatedly or else. %% Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. -- Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" %% Student's snack -- cramberries -- Raymond D. Love %% Students may like nitrates, they're cheaper than day rates. %% Students who obtain an A for a course will claim that the instructor is a great teacher. -- M. M. Johnston %% Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers and ornaments in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. -- Ellen DeGeneris %% Stupid and Dangerous %% Stupid country song titles #10: "It's commode huggin' time in the valley" %% Stupid country song titles #11: "If you want to keep the beer real cold, put it next to my ex-wife's heart" %% Stupid country song titles #12: "My wife ran off with my best friend, and I miss him" %% Stupid country song titles #13: "Don't cut any wood baby, 'cause I'll be comin' home with a load" %% Stupid country song titles #14: "I loved her face, but I left her behind for you" %% Stupid country song titles #1: "It took a hell of a man to take my Ann, but it sure didn't take him long" %% Stupid country song titles #2: "She ain't much to see, but she looks good thru the bottom of a glass" %% Stupid country song titles #3: "I wouldn't take you to a dog fight, even if I thought you could win" %% Stupid country song titles #4: "Don't cry down my back baby, you might rust my spurs" %% Stupid country song titles #5: "If fingerprints showed up on skin, I wonder who's I'd find on you" %% Stupid country song titles #6: "If you get the feeling that I don't love you, feel again" %% Stupid country song titles #7: "I'm ashamed to be here, but not ashamed enough to leave" %% Stupid country song titles #8: "I've been flushed from the bathroom of your heart" %% Stupid country song titles #9: "It's the bottle against the bible in the battle for daddy's soul" %% Stupid people shouldn't breed. %% Stupidity cometh from using it and not knowing that it is there. %% Stupidity is not an impeachable offense. %% Stupidity is the only universal capital crime. %% Stupidity may be masked by sincerity, but it is still stupidity. %% Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. %% Style: There is something in too much verbal felicity (as in Joyce or Nabokov or Borges) that can betray the writer into technique for the sake of technique. -- Edward Abbey %% Subject to CAB approval. %% Subject: New Yorker Humor From Seattle Post-Intelligencer: "You're strapped into a cramped cockpit staring at a row of gauges on a metallic-black dashboard. Cruising at your top speed of about 240 mph, you know you've got another six hours of flying time left before you reach your target over the battle-torn Pacific. You're hoping the gunnery mates facing the sky and protecting your back will be ready if a squadron of German fighters pops out from behind the clouds." New Yorker comment: "You're clearly lost." %% Subject: Performance Appraisal Time... The scene: in a vast desert, a cowboy faces his horse. Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." Horse: "No, stupid, not feedBACK. I said I wanted a feedBAG. %% Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. %% Subvert the dominant paradigm! %% Success always necessitates a degree of ruthlessness. Given the choice of friendship or success, I'd probably choose success. -- Sting (Gordon Summer), 1980 %% Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. %% Success can be insured only by devising a defense against the contingency plan. -- Charles P. Boyle %% Success goes to your head, failure to your heart. %% Success in management -- at any level -- depends on the ability to pick the right people for the right jobs. %% Success in marriage is not so much finding the right person as it is being the right person. %% Success is being able to hire someone to mow the lawn while you play golf for exercise. %% Success is doing what you like to do and making a living at it. %% Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. %% Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure. %% Success is not a harbor but a voyage with its own perils to the spirit. The game of life is to come up a winner, to be a success, or to achieve what we set out to do. Yet there is always the danger of failing as a human being. The lesson that most of us on this voyage never learn, but can never quite forget, is that to win is sometimes to lose. -- Richard Milhouse Nixon %% Success is overrated. Incompetence is what we should revere -- it marks us off from animals. -- Stephen Pile %% Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. %% Success is the brand on the brow of the man who has aimed too low. -- John Masefield (1878-1967) %% Success is the child of audacity. -- Benjamin Disraeli %% Success is the result of behavior that completely contradicts the usual expectations about the behavior of a successful person. -- Felix R. Paturi %% Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong. -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945), "Mein Kampf", 1933 %% Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started. %% Success lies in achieving the top of the food chain. -- Robert A. Heinlein %% Success makes us intolerant of failure, and failure makes us intolerant of success. -- William Feather %% Success often hinges on choosing a reliable partner. -- Remus %% Success provides more opportunities to say things than the number of things a pundit has worth saying. -- Douglas Pike %% Success seems to be that which forms the distinction between confidence and conceit. Nelson, when young was piqued at not being noticed in a certain paragraph of the newspapers, which detailed an action wherein he had assisted. "But never mind," said he, "I will one day have a gazette of my own." -- Colton %% Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good. -- Joe Paterno %% Successful research impedes further successful research. -- Keith J. Pendred %% Successophobia: The fear that if one is successful, then one's personal needs will be forgotten and one will no longer have one's childish needs catered to. -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace. %% Such a house broke! So noble a master fallen! All gone and not One friend to take his fortune by the arm And go along with him. -- William Shakespeare %% Such evil deeds could religion prompt. -- Titus Lucretius Carus %% Such labored nothings, in so strange a style, Amaze the unlearned, and make the learned smile. -- Alexander Pope (Front cover of E&S C Style Guide) %% Such language in a high-class establishment like this! %% Such monsters do not exist in this world. %% Such stuff drams are made of. -- Sleeping Beauty %% Suddenly a sinister, wraithlike figure, cloaked and hooded, appears seeming to float in the air before you. In a low, almost inaudible voice he says, "I welcome you to the ranks of the chosen of Zork. You have persisted through many trials and tests and have overcome them all. One such as yourself is fit to join even the implementers!" He then raises his oaken staff and, chuckling, drifts away like a wisp of smoke, his laughter fading in the distance. %% Suddenly one of the Vault's guards enters! %% Suddenly, as you wait in the dark, you begin to feel somewhat disoriented. The feeling passes, but something seems different. As you regain your composure, the cloaked figure appears before you and says, "You are now ready to face the ultimate challenge of Zork. Should you wish to do this somewhat more quickly in the future, you will be given a magic phrase which will at any time transport you by magic to this point. To select the phrase, say INCANT, and you will be told your own magic phrase to use by saying INCANT, Good luck, and choose wisely!" %% Suddenly, the Guardians realize that someone is trying to sneak by them in the structure. They awake and, in perfect unison, hammer the box and its contents (including you) to a pulp. Satisfied, they resume their posts. %% Suddenly, the dungeon collapses. %% Suddenly, the rainbow appears to become solid and, I venture, walkable (I think the giveaway was the stairs and bannister). %% Suddenly, the room appears to have become very large. %% Sufficient monies to the job correctly the first time are usually not available; however, ample funds are much more easily obtained for repeated major redesigns. %% Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier. %% Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity. %% Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. -- Donald Kaul %% Suicide's an alternative ------------------------ Sick of people no one's real Sick of chicks they're all bitches Sick of you you're hip Sick of life it sucks Suicide's an alternative Sick of trying what's the point Sick of talking no one listens Sick of listening it's all lies Sick of thinking just end up confused Sick of moving never get nowhere Sick of myself don't want to live Sick and tired and no one cares Sick of life it sucks Suicide's an alternative Sick of politics for the rich Sick of power only oppresses Sick of government full of tyrants Sick of school total brainwash Sick of music top 40 sucks Sick of myself don't want to live Sick and tired and no one cares Sick of life it sucks Sick of life it sucks Sick and tired no one cares Sick of myself don't want to live Sick of living gonna die %% Suicide: Don't knock it if you ain't tried it. -- Edward Abbey %% Suicide ------- Once I wished to end it all. To take the coward's way out of life. But I was too much the coward to face Death so boldly. But now, even though 'tis not easier, I can face life, because I have Life. And now I fear neither Death with its known mysteries, nor Life with its unknown miseries and joys, But I still don't like both all the time. They simply are. To be endured, to be enjoyed. Life is a bittersweet cup; the breath of Heaven and Hell. Is an eternal song of rapturous glories and unspeakable horrors. I will drink my cup to and 'til its final drop, whene'er that be. And my cup is as empty or a full as I let it be. -- (c) 1988 kim dong hwan c60a-1et@web.berkeley.edu %% Sum quod eris. %% Sum quod eris. (I am what you will be.) %% Sumo Wrestling: survival of the fattest. %% Sun in the night, everyone is together, Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. -- Brand X (Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night) %% Sunbathing: A fry in the ointment. -- "Laughs Unlimited" %% Super-competence is more objectionable than incompetence. %% Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius %% Supercomputer users do it in parallel %% Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. -- Ken Batcher %% Superior firepower is an invaluable tool when entering into negotiations. -- Gen. George S. Patton %% Superman does it faster than a speeding bullet. %% Superman gets into Clark Kent's pants every morning. %% Supernovae are a Blast %% Superstition renders a man a fool, and scepticism makes him mad. -- Fielding %% Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. -- Martin Luther %% Supervisor (drawing a graph): "This function has no nodes." (Pause) "How does it smell?" %% Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. %% Support free enterprise -- legalize prostitution. %% Support free trade--smuggle! %% Support organizations can always prove success by showing service to someone ... not necessarily you. -- Douglas Evelyn %% Support public welfare, give someone a new leach on life. %% Support sustained spaceflight: fight the soi-disant "Planetary Society"! -- Henry Spencer, henry@zoo.toronto.edu %% Support the American Kidney Foundation. Don't wear your motorcycle helmet. %% Support the Girl Scouts! (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) %% Support the helpless victims of computers. %% Support the rich. %% Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association %% Support your local church or synagogue. Worship at Bank of America. %% Support your local dentist, eat a Hershey bar today. %% Support your local hooker! Play rugby! %% Support your local maillist: Give to the March of Electrons %% Support your local thieve's guild--leave your doors unlocked %% Support your right to bare arms! -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association %% Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on a pinhead. -- Christopher Evans %% Suppose that there is something which a person cannot understand. He happens to notice the similarity of this something to some other thing which he understands quite well. By comparing them he may come to understand the thing which he could not understand up to that moment. If his understanding turns out to be appropriate and nobody else has ever come to such an understanding, he can claim that his thinking was really creative. -- Hideki Yukawa %% Supreme art is a traditional statement of certain heroic and religious truth, passed on from age to age, modified by individual genius, but never abandoned. -- William Butler Yeats %% Sure God created man before woman.. but then you always make a rough draft before The Final Masterpiece. %% Sure it's good, but who's gonna care next year? %% Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. -- Richard Milhouse Nixon %% Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets? %% Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president! Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much. %% Surely every human being ought to attain to the dignity of the unit. Surely it is worth while to be one, and to feel that the census of the universe would be incomplete without counting you. Surely there is grandeur in knowing that in the realm of thought you are without a chain; that you have the right to explore all heights and all depths; that there are no walls or fences, or prohibited places, or sacred corners in all the vast expanse of thought; that your intellect owes no allegiance to any being, human or divine; that you hold all in fee, and upon no condition, and by no tenure, whatsoever; that in the world of mind you are relieved from all personal dictation, and from the ignorant tyranny of majorities. Surely it is worth something to feel that there are no priests, no popes, no parties, no governments, no kings, no gods, to whom your intellect can be compelled to pay a reluctant homage. Surely it is a joy to know that all the cruel ingenuity of bigotry can devise no prison, no dungeon, no cell in which for one instant to confine a thought; that ideas cannot be dislocated by racks, nor crushed in iron boots, nor burned with fire. Surely it is sublime to think that the brain is a castle, and that within its curious bastions and winding halls the soul, in spite of all worlds and all beings, is the supreme sovereign of itself. -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899), "The Free Soul" %% Surely happiness is reflective like the light of heaven; and every countenance, bright with smiles and glowing with innocent enjoyment, is a mirror, transmitting to others the rays of a supreme and evershining benevolence. -- Washington Irving %% Surely there is something in the unruffled calm of nature that overawes our little anxieties and doubts: The sight of the deep-blue sky, and the clustering stars above, seems to impart a quiet to the mind. -- Edwards %% Surf's up, everybody to the beach! %% Surfers do it standing up. %% Surgeons do it incisively. %% Surgeries: Appendectomy, T&A, and bilateral breast bi-zippies. %% Surrender Dorothy %% Surveillance should precede salientation. %% Survey taker to resident: Do you realize that that choice puts you in the two- percent lunatic fringe? -- Bernhardt %% Survival Pack, aircraft, FT107/35, All Purpose, Strategic Air Command: 1 45 caliber automatic, 2 boxes ammunition. 4 days concentrated emergency rations. 1 drug issue containing: antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizing pills. 1 miniature combination Russian phrase book and bible. 100 dollars in Rubles, 100 dollars in gold, 9 packs of chewing gum, 1 issue of prophylactics, 3 lipsticks, 3 pair of nylon stockings. -- From Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb %% Survivulousness: The tendency to visualize oneself enjoying being the last remaining person on earth. "I'd take a helicopter up and throw microwave ovens down on the Taco Bell." -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% Susan Sontag: What she really wanted, throughout her career, was to grow up to be a Frenchman. -- Edward Abbey %% Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. -- William Shakespeare %% Swap error, you lose your mind. %% Swap read error, you lose your core image. %% Swap read error. You lose your mind. %% Sweat is the mortal enemy of modern civilization. %% Sweer's Impossibility Theorem: Nothing can be both completely general and internally consistent at the same time. %% Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. -- Thomas Tusser %% Sweet are the uses of adversity, Which like the toad, ugly and venomous, Wears yet a precious jewel in his head; And this our life, exempt from public haunt, Find tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, And good in everything. -- William Shakespeare %% Sweet dreams are made of these; who am I to disagree? %% Sweet dreams are made of this? %% Sweet is the hour of rest, Pleasant the wind's low sigh, And the gleaming of the west, And the turf whereon we lie. -- Mrs. Hemans %% Sweet limitation brings good fortune. Going brings esteem. %% Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess, And her voice is changing - from "No" to "Yes". %% Sweet speaking oft a currish heart reclaims. -- Sidney %% Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush! -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" %% Swimmers do it in the water. %% Swimmers do it under water. %% Swimmers do it with strokes. %% Swimming is not allowed in this dungeon. %% Swinehood hath no remedy. %% Swish, two, three, four! Swish, two, three, four! %% Switch Blade Murderer Survives Electric Chair For Eleventh Time. %% Synch code - SOS from the Titanic -- Data communications glossary %% Syndi: "Hey, aren't you at least going to rough him [Marshall] up?" Policeman: "Maybe later, Mam." -- "Who's Who", Eerie Indiana %% Syndi: "'Revenge of the Corn Critters' is a good monster movie sequel. It's got all the gore of the original plus some romance, but never gets all mushy [so] as to gunk it all up. You won't be sorry." Marshall: "Since when did you become such a cinephile?" Syndi: "You better watch your mouth." -- "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana %% Syndi: "Hey Mom, what di you think of my drawing?" Mom: "Ah, well, I'm not quite sure. Is it upside down, abstract, autobiograhpical?" -- "Who's Who", Eerie Indiana %% Syndi: "The Wilson twins give it two fingers up." Simon: "Which finger?" [laughs] -- "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana %% Synonym: The word you use when you don't know how to spell the one you want to use. -- "Laughs Unlimited" %% System Crash (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup %% System Manager: A fat man with black hair and a beard who knows everything and does nothing %% System checkpoint complete. %% System crashes and burns. %% System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. %% System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug. %% System going down at noon for disk crashing party. %% System going down in 5 minutes. %% System programmers do it in overlays. %% System restarting, wait... %% System root file corrupted - need to reboot %% Systemantics Basic Definition: Systems in general work poorly or not at all. %% Systemantics Functionary's Fallacy: People in systems do not do what the system says they are doing. %% Systemantics Generalized Uncertainty Principles: Complicated systems produce unexpected outputs. The total behaviour of large systems cannot be predicted. A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. %% Systemantics Law of Growth: Systems tend to grow, and as they grow they encroach. Alt. formulation - Systems tend to expand to fill the known universe.) %% Systemantics failure theorems: The crucial variables are discovered by accident. When a fail-safe system fails, it fails by failing to fail safe. %% Systems Programmers do it with pointers. %% Systems display antics. -- Dr. John Gall %% Systems in general work very poorly or not at all. -- Dr. John Gall %% Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface. %% Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. -- R. S. Barton %% Systems programmers just want to have fun. %% Systems tend to grow, and as they grow, they encroach. -- Dr. John Gall %% T sdel-lal groo-boo-yoo oh-sheeb-ku. Xa-Xa-Xa! %% T-shirt in the 21st century: "Disco STILL sucks!" %% T-shirt of the Week: I'm not excited, I'm cold! %% T.V. O.D. %% TABER'S LAW OF SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH: If you can't understand it, name it. %% TABER'S LAW OF SUPERMARKETS: The shorter the line, the slower it moves. %% TACKY: Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions. %% TAILORS make it fit. %% TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION: Do something that should have been done a long time ago. %% TANK: A means of transportation the Soviet army uses to visit its friends. %% TANSTAAFL %% TASTE n. (primarily MIT-DMS) The quality in programs which tends to be inversely proportional to the number of features, hacks, and kluges programmed into it. Also, TASTY, TASTEFUL, TASTEFULNESS. "This feature comes in N tasty flavors." Although TASTEFUL and FLAVORFUL are essentially synonyms, TASTE and FLAVOR are not. %% TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20) Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep, because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday. %% TAX OFFICE: Den of inequity. %% TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town. %% TAXIDERMIST: A man who mounts animals. %% TAXIDERMISTS mount anything. %% TAYLOR'S 2nd LAW OF ADMINISTRATION: If a program isn't working, expand it. %% TAYLOR'S LAW OF REGULATORY AGENCIES: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. %% TCP/IP: handling tomorrow's loads today OSI: handling yesterday's loads someday -- Henery Spencer %% TEAMWORK: Having someone to blame. %% TEAR LEATHER: To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore his leather jerkin' off." %% TEARING OFF A QUICKY: Gunning the jump. %% TECO Madness: a moment of convenience, a lifetime of regret. -- Dave Moon Emacs: a lifetime of convenience, a moment of regret. %% TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking. %% TELEVISION -- movies where people don't step on your feet. MOVIES -- television where people don't interrupt with unexpected visits. %% TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals. %% TEN COMMANDMENTS, or Rules and Conditions: 1. I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not make unto thee graven images, to bow down thyself before them; save and except they be of an Eagle, or a flag, or something similarly patriotic. 2. Though shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; but he shall be held guiltless who taketh it to put it upon his currency, and likewise he who sweareth falsely by it in matters of National Security. 3. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it wholly miserable for thyself and thy neighbors. 4. Honor thy father and thy mother; but Medicare is going too far. 5. Thou shalt not kill the innocent babe in the womb. After it's born -- open season. 6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, women especially. 7. Thou shalt steal. 8. Thou shalt declare for business against big labor. 9. Thou shalt not call up thy neighbor's wife. 10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house; but thou shalt work thy buns off, or better yet cause others to work their buns off for thy sake, and thereby acquire a house as thy neighbor shall covet of thee. -- NOT THE BIBLE, Tony Hendra and Sean Kelly %% TENENBAUM'S LAW OF SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENTS: The most interesting results only happen once. %% TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls. %% TEUTONIC: Not enough gin. %% TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press. -- Gordon Bell %% TEXAN: A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma. %% THE BEATLES: Paul McCartney's old back-up band. %% THE BEST THING TO SPEND ON YOUR CHILDREN IS TIME %% THE BLUE VAX - World War I medal honoring high-powered computing. Also (modern): a VAX made by Smurfs. %% THE COURSE OF PROGRESS: Most things get steadily worse. %% THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any. -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court" %% THE DAILY PLANET SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! Plans to "Eat it later". -- Ambush Bug %% THE FUNDAMENTAL FAILURE-MODE THEOREM: Complex systems usually operate in failure mode. %% THE GROCERY BAG LAW: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag. %% THE HACKER'S PHILOSOPHY: Let the world pass in its time-ridden race; never get caught in its snare. Remember, the only acceptable case for being in any particular place is having no business there. %% THE IBM POLLYANNA PRINCIPLE: Machines should work. People should think. TRUTH ABOUT THE IBM POLLYANNA PRINCIPLE: Machines don't often work, people don't often think. %% THE LAST LAW: If several things could hae gone wrong that haven't, hindsight will tell that they should have. %% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the "California booleans", FERSURE and NOWAY. VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY AWESOME! %% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as he travels across the screen. %% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #19 -- REAGAN This language was also developed in California, but is now widely used in Washington D.C. It is the current subset of the international bureaucratic language known as DOUBLESPEAK. Commands include REVENUE_ENHANCEMENT, STOCKMAN, CAP_WEINBERGER, MALCOMB_BALDRIDGE, CABINET, CHOP_WOOD, LAXALT and SCENARIO. WATT and BURFORD have been removed from the commands while there is a current effort to add MEESE. The operating system used is NEW_RIGHT and the designated memory is THE_RANCH. The compile SCENARIO is a compile with NANCY followed by a link with BONZO resulting in a SNOOZE. COMMIES (program bugs) are removed with the GRENADA command. A REAGAN program commences with LANDSLIDE and terminates with SENILITY. %% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #20 -- RENE Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours." The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist. %% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #21 -- VALGOL From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL and Y*KNOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and +TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the California Booleans, AX and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are handled in FOR - SURE loops. VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! %% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley. The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long, since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT. %% THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10 warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc. We are talking about a lot of jobs. -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout" %% THE NEW RIGHT: A javelin team that elects to receive. %% THE PERFECT WOMAN: Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest your drink. %% THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEER-TALK: What They Say: "So we've eliminated XXX." What They Mean: "It's probably XXX, but it's bloody hard to get at." %% THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEER-TALK: What They Say: "That's interesting." What They Mean: "Shit! I've never seen anything remotely like that before." %% THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEER-TALK: What They Say: "We've noticed some failure evidence" What They Mean: "Something's burning..." %% THE PETER PRINCIPLES: 1. In a hierarchy, individuals tent to rise to their level of incompetence. 2. The cream rises until it sours. 3. For every job that exists in the world, there is someone, somewhere, who can't do it. Given enough promotions, that incompetent will get the job. 4. All useful work is done by individuals who haven't yet reached their level of incompetence. -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter %% THE RAVENOUS BUGBLATTER BEAST OF TRAAL: A mind-bogglingly stupid animal. It assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a brush, but very very ravenous... -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987) A sequel to THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986). The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving Smurfs encounter the lovable piece of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them to become greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family. %% THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986) The lovable (to the sort of people who like Care Bears and saccharine greeting cards) little blue Smurfs encounter the lovable (to Yuppies) small kitchen appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable (if sometimes fatal) lesson. %% THE THREE LAWS OF ROBOTICS 1 - A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. 2 - A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. 3 - A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. -- Isaac Asimov," Handbook of Robotics, 56th Edition, 2058" %% THE TRUTH ABOUT THEORY Y: Self starters will not. %% THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW: As soon as you mention something... ...if it's good, it will go away, ...if it'S bad, it'll happen. %% THE VAX OF LIFE - Everything you always wanted to know about the birds and the bees (and the bugs in the VAX). %% THE WATERGATE PRINCIPLE: Government corruption is always reported in the past tense. %% THEED'S 1st LAW OF MANAGEMENT -- It dosen't exist. %% THEED'S FOURTH LAW OF MANAGEMENT: Some people manage by the book while being completely ignorant of who wrote the book or what's in it. %% THEED'S FOURTH LAW OF MANAGEMENT: The inefficiency and stupidity of the staff is a subset of the inefficiency and stupidity of the management. %% THEIR CLICHES ARE DOWN %% THEORY: System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good it will look in print. %% THIESSMAN'S LAW OF GASTRONOMY: The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the roll. %% THIRD LAW OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. %% THIRD LAW OF THE MARKETPLACE: Weekend specials, aren't. %% THIS definitely takes, eats and shits the cake. %% THOM'S THIRD LAW OF MACHINES: If it jams, force it; If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. %% THOREAU'S THEORIES ON ADAPTION 1. After designing a routine to go around a bug, the system will be revised and the bug removed, leaving you with a useless routine. 2. Efforts in improving a computers user friendliness often ends up improving ones computer literacy 3. "Thats not a bug! Thats a FEATURE!" %% THORNY: A thailor at thea. %% THREE-BAG UGLY: That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep it from howling. %% TILLIS' LAW OF ORGANIZATION: If you file it, you'll know where it is, but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it and never find it. %% TINGLER'S LAW OF MONITARY EQUALIZATION: A fool and your money are soon partners. %% TINSTAFL!--There is no such thing as free love. -- Solomon Short %% TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try the amazing "Dot-Product", the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr. Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview... "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has never been easier." Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide the Dot-Product by the magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!! But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!! Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again... 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not available through stores and is void where prohibited by law. %% TNT Transistor : This type of transistors has been considered the most ingenious creation since the invention of the PNP transistors. This kind of transistors behaves identical to the PNP transistors, except when the bias current exceeds a certain amount, at which point the transistors would simply explode with the energy the equivalent of 15 lbs of TNT. Modern Combat Magazine recommands the secret installation of this transistors in the amplifiers of neighbors who always play their stereo too loud. %% TO THE CLASS OF 1987: "Unfortunately, a full 16% of you will be functionally illiterate. I'm afraid you'll have a hard row to hoe in the job market; after all, there are only so many staff positions at USA Today." -- A. Whitney Brown %% TO VAX ELOQUENT - The act of preparing a glossary for the VAX. %% TODAY: A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long. %% TODD'S POLITICAL PRINCIPLES: 1. No matter what they're telling you, it's not the truth. 2. No matter what they're talking about, they're talking about money. %% TOGG'S LAW OF ABSENCE When you do things right, nobody will be there to see it. %% TOM GIBB'S LAWS OF UNRELIABILITY 1. At the source of every error which is blamed on a computer you will find at least 2 human errors, one of which being the one who blamed it on the computer. 2. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable 3. Undetectable system errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors which by definition are limited 4. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. %% TOM'S LAW: A brain is as strong as it's weakest think. %% TOP PSYCHICS CONCUR THAT ALIENS REVEALED SECRET OF MYSTERY WONDER DIET TO ELVIS BEFORE HE DIED!! %% TOP TEN SILLY WORDS: 1) Oxnard 2) Pugnacious 3) Chthonic 4) Eigenvector 5) Chroolupoid 6) Smegma 7) Deoxyribonucleic 8) Snollygoster 9) Betelgeuse 10) Flatulate %% TOP TEN THINGS A SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR OR NAMES OF DWARVES 10. Grumpy 9. "I seem to be missing one of the source files you left on your account for everyone. Could you please send me chown.c?" 8. Doc 7. Balin 6. "Hey, I noticed csh had the suid bit turned on, so I went ahead and set it for the rest of the files in /usr/bin, just to be consistent." 5. Sleepy 4. "I keep getting this strange mail from somebody named worm, but it says 'user unknown' when I try to reply. Do you know who worm is?" 3. "How come root is hogging all the ports? He must be logged in on at least twenty different terminals!" 2. Bashful 1. "I really don't appreciate that obscene e-mail I received from you last night!" %% TOURIST: A pretty girl in Oklahoma. %% TRACEY'S TIME OBSERVATION: If it's fun, you'll have to quit tomorrow, if it's a drag, it'll hang around forever. %% TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches it. %% TRAGEDY: A busload of lawyers driving off a cliff with three empty seats. %% TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED %% TRANSFER: A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. %% TRANSIT COMPANY- group that complains of bad business when all passengers get seats. %% TRANSPARENT: Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. "It's there, but you can't see it" -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. VIRTUAL: Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. "I can see it, but it's not there." -- Lady Macbeth %% TRANSVESTITE: Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. %% TRAVEL: Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. %% TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks. %% TRUCKERS carry bigger loads. %% TSMT Programmers .... Great at working in the dark. But we like it better in the light! %% TSMT Programmers .... The Unstrung Heros %% TTR is a trademark of Trans-Temporal Research: When it ABSOLUTELY has to be there yesterday...TTR. %% TTTTTTTTTT UU UU RRRRRRRRR BBBBBBBBB OOOOOOOO !! TT UU UU RR RR BB BB OO OO !! TT UU UU RR RR BB BB OO OO !! TT UU UU RR RR BB BB OO OO !! TT UU UU RRRRRRRRRR BBBBBBBBB OO OO !! TT UU UU RR RR BB BB OO OO !! TT UU UU RR RR BB BB OO OO !! TT UU UU RR RR BB BB OO OO !! TT UUUUUUUUUU RR RR BBBBBBBBB OOOOOOOO !! %% TUGWELL'S BASIC ASSUMPTION: Reality is a hypothesis. %% TUTHER: of two or more. "Yew can take one or tuther!" -- Texan Dictionary %% TV Personality's Bizarre Claim: 'Computer Scientists Planted Mind Control Device In My Head'. %% TV anchorpeople have hair that is different from the hair of other humans %% TV evangelists do more than lay people. %% TYLCZAK'S PROBABILITY POSTULATE: Random events tend to occur in groups. %% TYPING MOLE uncovered as SPACE ALIEN -- SECRET MESSAGES DECODED %% TYPISTS do it in triplicate. %% Taber's First Law of Manufacturing Information Systems: If a system does not have a payback for a given individual in the information chain, the information will get corrupted at the level of that individual, and become worse as it travels up the chain. -- Pat Taber %% Taber's Second Law of Manufacturing Information Systems: People perceive machines as people. -- Pat Taber %% Table manners are for people who have nothing better to do. %% Tablet: A small table. %% Tachyon: A gluon that's not completely dry. %% Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. -- Jean Cocteau %% Tact is rubbing out another's mistakes instead of rubbing them in. -- Marvin J. Ashton %% Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. -- Howard W. Newton %% Tactless Person: Someone who says what everyone else is thinking. -- "Laughs Unlimited" %% Take a cannibal to lunch. %% Take a lesson from the whale; the only time he gets speared is when he raises to spout. %% Take a long worm from the rear, according to its mate it's a lot more fun. %% Take a look around you, tell me what you see, A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key. If you can get close enough to look into her eyes There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides. And you're fair game, You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game, Just relax, enjoy the ride. Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool, But do it with a little class, disregard the rules. 'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date. The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate. (chorus) The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch. She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch. Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie, And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die. (chorus) -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game" %% Take a sheet of cardboard or a throw away magazine, form a cone with it. Take the cone, a coin, and a liquid refreshment (water causes least damage) in a bottle or a cup, of course you will be pretending its your drink. Challenge the victim (bet a sum), that they can not drop the coin, placed on their forehead, with their eyes closed, into the top of the cone shoved into their pants at the waist within so many tries. To prove that it is possible, demonstrate the procedure a few times, you'll be surprised that it is possible. (practice before hand) When the victim tries it, as soon as the eyes close, pour the liquid down the cone. %% Take a trip and never leave the farm. %% Take advantage of the pleasurable opportunities that come your way. %% Take an astronaut to launch. %% Take any religious mystery, any theological proposition: expressed in ordinary terms it will read like sheer nonsense to the outsider, from the ritualistic, symbolic eating of human flesh and blood practiced by all the Christian sects to the outright cannibalism practiced by some savages. -- Major Whitey Ardmore %% Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love" %% Take care to be an economist in prosperity; there is no fear of your not being one in adversity. -- Zimmerman %% Take comfort in the saying "beauty is only skin deep" %% Take cowardly lessons from a heavy object! %% Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement. -- William Shakespeare %% Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" %% Take heart, programs never run the first time (and complex programs never run at all). %% Take it easy on me, it should be easy to see I'm getting lost in the crowd and for crying out loud Just want you to know, I know that you have to go Its all up to you, but whatever you do take it easy on me -- Little River Band %% Take it off, take it ALL off! %% Take me drunk, I'm home. %% Take me home--furry people need love too %% Take me to the river, drop me in the water. %% Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. %% Take no prisoners. %% Take not a maiden who, when she sees a man of bronze, Loses possession of herself. Nothing furthers. %% Take nothing but a single shot, Leave nothing but a death card, Kill nothing but the intended target. -- Edward Godwin %% Take rather than give the tone to the company you are in. If you gave parts you will show them more or less upon every subject; and if you have not, you had better talk sillily upon a subject of other people's than of your own choosing. -- Chesterfield %% Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop. -- Ovid %% Take thy correction mildly. Kiss the rod. -- William Shakespeare %% Take time to be friendly - it is the road to happiness. %% Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go on. -- Andrew Jackson %% Take time to develop your personality, it's a little negative at the present. %% Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people have given them to you. %% Take time to travel; your troubles will unravel. %% Take your Senator to lunch this week. %% Taken as a whole, the universe is absurd. -- Walter Savage Landor %% Taken from : Powerful Puffery -- by Dave Barry (06/05/88) without any permission at all. [ He talks about the ] fine research being done at the famous Tobacco Institute, which is staffed by leading tobacco-industry scientists using sophisticated equipment and wearing state-of-the-art leashes. These scientists have been researching for years, but they are darned if they can find any solid evidence that smoking is bad for you. Although naturally they are continuing to look just as hard as they can: First scientist: Well, Ted, for the 13,758th consecutive experiment, all of the cigarette-smoking rats developed cancer! What do you make of it? Second scientist: Beats me, Bob! First scientist: It's a puzzle, all right! Hey, look at this: These rats have arranged their food pellets to form the words "CIGARETTES CAUSE CANCER YOU ZITBRAINS." What could this possible mean? Second scientist: I'm totally stumped, Bob! Back to square one! Third scientist (entering the room): Hey, can you two guys lend me a hand? I need to screw in a light bulb. %% Taken from The American Mathematical Monthly: "I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, starting from philosophical premises likely to met with general acceptance, reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to devote it to research in mathematics." -- Sir Edmund Whittaker (1873-1956). The quotation is from Scientific American, Volume 183, September 1950, page 42 %% Taken. (But nobody saw you) %% Taking a day off, Jesus and St. Peter decide to play golf. At one part of the course, they came up to a short shot over a shallow pond. St Peter tees up first. He stops and thinks for a moment and then states, "I'm going to use a 6 iron." St. Peter swings and lands a beautiful shot about three feet away from the cup. Jesus tees up next. He ponders the shot, and then declares, "Jack Nicholas would use a 7 iron." He takes his 7 iron, pulls back, and swings. The ball goes too high in the air and lands in the middle of the pond. Jesus casually walks on the water, retrieves his ball, and tees up. He swings and, again, his shot ends up in the pond. "Why don't you use a 6 iron?" asked St. Peter. "No!" retorts Jesus. "Jack Nicholas would use a 7!" This goes on for several shots - swing, splash, walk on water, recover ball, and tee up again. By this time, other golfers have caught up to Jesus and St. Peter. After watching Jesus walk on water several times to retrieve is ball one baffled golfer turns to St. Peter and asks, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?" "No," replies St. Peter. "Jack Nicholas." %% Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most. -- Fyodor Dostoyevski (1821-1881) %% Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as managerial ability. -- Charles P. Boyle %% Talent is what you possess; genius is what possesses you. %% Talent, lying in the understanding, is often inherent; genius, being the action of reason and imagination, rarely or never. -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge %% Talk about Alaska food prices. A women went to the store to buy a couple heads of lettuce, but when she saw the price at $2.00 she told the grocer, "Do you know what you can do with this lettuce?" "No thanks, lady, I've got a $2.00 cucumber up there now." %% Talk about eating rich foods! %% Talk behind my back I'm off the beaten track. %% Talk dirty to me. %% Talk not of comfort, 'tis for lighter ills; I will indulge my sorrows, and give way to all the pangs and fury of despair. -- Addison %% Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted. -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow %% Talk of revolution is one way of avoiding reality. -- John Kenneth Galbraith %% Talk of the devil, and his horns appear. %% Talking is a digestive process which is absolutely essential to the mental constitution of the man who devours many books. A full mind must have talk, or it will grow dyspeptic. -- William Matthews %% Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. -- John Mason Brown [drama critic] %% Tame a troll and it will learn you fighting. %% Tammy Bakker's face is like a ski slope - 4 feet of base and 8 inches of powder. %% Tampons $1 a dozen! No strings attached! %% Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, Tan me hide when I'm dead. So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, It's hanging there on the shed. All together now ... Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down. Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down. %% Tanj! There ain't no justice! -- Louis Wu "The Ringworld Engineers" %% Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) %% Taste makes the difference. %% Taunting someone for using Andrew is like laughing at a slave because he has lash marks on his back: in bad taste. -- Robert Firth %% Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) : Sigmund Freud, Orson Wells, Glenda Jackson, Jimmy Stewart, James Mason, Glenn Ford, David Hartman, Cloris Leachman %% Taurus Excretum Ad Infinitum.... %% Taxation: how the sheep are shorn. -- Edward Abbey %% Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone. -- Ronald W. Reagan %% Taylor's Laws of Programming ============================ (*) Never write it in C if you can do it in `awk'. (*) Never do it in `awk' if `sed' can handle it. (*) Never use `sed' when `tr' can do the job. (*) Never invoke `tr' when `cat' is sufficient. (*) Avoid using `cat' whenever possible. -- mirk@system-simulation.co.uk (Mike Taylor) %% Tchaikovsky did it pathetically. %% Tea! thou soft, thou sober sage, and venerable liquid; -- thou female tongue-running, smile-smoothing, heart-opening, wink tippling cordial, to whose glorious insipidity I owe the happiest moments of ny life, let me fall prostrate! -- Colley Cibber %% Teach someone something new. %% Teacher from the Black Lagoon %% Teacher: "Bart, give us an example of a modern-day paradox." Bart: "Damned if you do, damned if you don't." -- "Bart the Genius", from The Simpsons %% Teachers do it with class. %% Teachers have class. %% Teaching is the art of casting false pearls before REAL swine. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894) %% Team: Charlie Brown--Manager, pitcher Schroeder--Catcher Linus--Second base Snoopy--Shortstop Franklin--First base? Shermy--Third base? Lucy, Patti, Violet--Outfield (in some order which escapes me) (possibly Lucy--RF, Patti--CF, Violet--LF, since I seem to remember Lucy turning to her right to talk to her teammates) %% Teamwork is essential. It gives them another target. %% Tears in floods, sighing and lamenting. Good fortune. %% Techies (as in stage hands) do it in the dark %% Techies do it behind the scenes. %% Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for a moment and then log off. %% Techno Pagan. %% Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards. -- Aldous Huxley, "Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow", 1956 %% Technology favors horrible people. %% Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. %% Technology is the expression of the society; it is an expression of the values and the abilities of the people that generate it. It is indeed a most revealing indicator of our society. and the fact is that technology in turn shapes the values of a society and of its people. -- George Bugliarello %% Ted Mucus and the Membranes %% Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond! %% Teddy Roosevelt did it softly, but with a big stick. %% Tee Vee football: one team wins, one team loses--they tie--who cares? And why? -- Edward Abbey %% Teela, you did not complain when you learned that puppeteers had manipulated the heredity of my race. They sought to produce a docile kzin. . . . You gloated that this crime was to the benefit of your species. Now you complain. Why? -- Speaker-to-Animals "Ringworld" %% Teen Angel, can you hear me? %% Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting! %% Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. -- Geoffrey Chaucer %% Tele-parablizing: Morals used in everyday life that derive from TV sitcom plots: "That's just like the episode where Jan lost her glasses!" -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. -- Erma Bombeck %% Teleportation lessens your orientation. %% Teletypewriter - talk it over with your Smith-Corona -- Data communications glossary %% Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. -- Ernie Kovacs %% Television does not honor tradition. Most of the time, it doesn't even recognize it. Therefore, it can only destroy. -- Solomon Short %% Television enables people with nothing to do to watch people who can do nothing. %% Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home. -- David Frost %% Television is a gift of God, and God will hold those who utilize his divine instrument accountable to Him. -- Philo T. Farnsworth (one of television's inventors) %% Television is a wonderful communication device, you can get London & Tokyo on it. And there's the window, with it open you can get Chile at night. %% Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping the top of the barrel. -- Gore Vidal %% Television only proves that people will look at anything -- rather than each other. %% Tell 'em about the pilot who called Air Traffic Control wanting to know what time it was. The controller asked, "what airline was that request from?" Sez the pilot, "why do you want to know that?" "Well, sir, if you're American, it's 2:30. If you're United, it's 1430 hours. If you're TWA, it's 1930 Zulu. And if you're Continental, it's Thursday." %% Tell her there's a spot out in angles darkness, tell her there's a darkness on the edge of town. %% Tell me about your childhood. %% Tell me what kind of character you are: %% Tell me what to think!!! %% Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, Is those things arms, or is they legs? I marvel at thee, Octopus; If I were thou, I'd call me us. -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971) %% Tell someone the sun is millions of miles away and they'll believe you. Tell them the fence has just been painted and they'll feel it to check it out. %% Tell the truth, and so puzzle and confound your adversaries. -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639) %% Tell you what. Let me sweeten the deal a bit for you... -- Beelzebub %% Tell yourself that a dull life is a sign of a fulfilled person. %% Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it? -- Anthony Hope %% Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there. %% Tempest half a man cradling a hurricane gripping for life trying to caress, to sooth the malevolent currents, bowing and bending to keep a place, hoping the roots are deep while seeking the baffles which dissipate an unwanted fate. (a simple reed holding ground thru obeisance to a temporal wind) yet to find his other half a surreal paradise lying in her center its serenity marred by the dark yellow winds which tear and the grey green clouds which boil along the periphery blurring the view with a small streak of fear. knowing the maelstrom which lies in wait to rip and twist in a fury that only is, its path and purpose known only to god or the wind. to love a tempest is folly, yet fascination lies not in the danger but the soul, finding freedom in the eye, in her eyes to become whole, in her arms to lose time, inside her to find peace, turning the inside out, letting the winds rage away. %% Tempt me with a spoon! %% Tempt not a desperate man. -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" %% Tempus fuget... et non cumbackabus! %% Ten Top Ways to Tell if Your Kid is Watching Too Much Sesame Street 10) Always pointing out that "one of these things is not like the others". 9) Knows everybody in the neighborhood, and what they do, and can sing a little song about it. 8) Whenever running or jumping, is trailed by six afterimages. 7) Checks under garbage cans for furry legs. 6) Eats an entire box of cookies (including the box) in less than a minute. 5) Insists that pigeons have fascinating personalities. 4) Complexion starting to resemble terrycloth. 3) Laughs and counts during thunderstorms. 2) Feels sorry for frogs because they are green. 1) Thinks that letters and numbers sponsor TV programs. %% Ten decimals are sufficient to give the diameter of the earth to the fraction of an inch. -- S. Newcomb %% Ten little gigabytes, waiting on line One caught a virus, then there were nine. Nine little gigabytes, holding just the date, Someone jambed a write-protect, then there were eight. Eight little gigabytes, should have been eleven, Then they cut the budget, now there are seven. Seven little gigabytes, involved in mathematics Stored an even larger prime, now there are six. Six little gigabytes, working like a hive, One died of overwork, now there are five. Five little gigabytes, trying to add more Plugged in the wrong lead, now there are four. Four little gigabytes, failing frequently, One used for spare parts, now there are three. Three little gigabytes, have too much to do Service man on holiday, now there are two. Two little gigabytes, badly over run, Took the work elsewhere, now just need one. One little gigabyte, systems far too small Shut the whole thing down, now there's none at all. %% Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. -- Napoleon I %% Ten score years ago, defeat the kingly foe. A wondrous dream came into being. Tame the trackless waste, no virgin land left chaste. Those shining eyes were never seeing: Beneath the noble bird, Between the proudest words, Behind the beauty cracks appear. Once with heads held high, they sang out to the sky. Why do their shadows bow in fear? The guns replace the plow, facades are tarnished now. The principles have been betrayed. The dream has gone stale, but still let hope prevail. But history's debt won't be repaid. -- Neil Peart, Rush %% Ten sir said the tensor. %% Ten thousand years from now, the only story this civilization will tell will be in its junk piles--so observe what is important! -- Richard N. Farmer %% Ten years of experience should add up to more than one year's experience multiplied by ten. %% Tennis players do it in sets. %% Tennis players do it with a racket. %% Tennyson is a beautiful half of a poet. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) %% Tension- Finding yourself behind a Pinto and in front of an Audi 5000 %% Tequila my girl, is deceiving: Take two at the very most. Take three and you're under the table, Take four and you're under the host. %% Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die. -- C. S. Lewis %% Terminal - what most people have to be before consenting to see a doctor. %% Terminal Emulation : Function performed by canines when commanded to lie on their backs with legs in the air. %% Terminal Wanderlust: A condition common to people of transient middle-class upbringings. Unable to feel rooted in any one environment, they move continually in the hopes of finding an idealized sense of community in the next location. -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% Terminat hora diem; terminat auctor opus. %% Terminator bumpersticker: I TIME TRAVEL NAKED. %% Terri Soderstrom is a babe! %% Terrorism: deadly violence against humans and other living things, usually conducted by government against its own people. -- Edward Abbey %% Terrorist, n.: An individual who behaves like a government. %% Test Question: Unix is written in Pascal.(T/F) %% Test Tube Baby: Half Jack Daniels and half peppermint schnapps... %% Test for paraquat: Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves, leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present, the solution will turn blue-green. %% Test makers do it sometimes/always/never. %% Testators do it willingly. %% Testifying before the Senate Delux Committee on wild abandon, Lance Major Hugo Arbonoth announced that he had been advised by his counsel to take the Fifth. Informed that the Fifth was already taken, Arbuthnot asked about the Third. The committee said it would check but advised Arbuthnot that it usually runs out of single-digit amendments and cheese Danishes by about 9:30 A.M. %% Testimony is like an arrow shot from a long bow; the force of it depends on the strength of the hand that draws it. Argument is like an arrow from a cross-bow, which has equal force though shot by a child. -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626) %% Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence. -- "Programming Pearls", Communications of the ACM, Sep. 1985 %% Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities. "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the unbelieving dean. But at this point, one of his players happened to enter the dean's office. "Watch what I mean", said Sherrill, and he told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "Ok, Coach", the player said, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked. "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and called you from here." %% Texas Chainsaw Massacre, they took my baby away from me. %% Texas Toilet paper, it don't take s**t off anyone. %% Texas is Hell on woman and horses. -- Wayne Oakes %% Thank God I'm an athiest! %% Thank God a million billion times that you don't live in Texas. -- Me (from a somewhat different Karl quote) %% Thank God a million billion times you live in Texas. -- Karl %% Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester, She obliges all who accost her. She welcomes the prick Of Tom, Harry or Dick, Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor. %% Thank heaven for little girls. %% Thank you for holding your breath while I smoke. %% Thank you for observing all safety precautions. %% Thank you for onlining with ITS - Be sure to patronize us again for your next fix. %% Thank you for shopping in Dirk's store! %% Thank you for your contribution to restock this recently plundered shop. %% Thank you for your cooperation. %% Thank you very little. %% Thank you very much. It really hit the spot. %% Thank you very much. I was rather thirsty, probably from all this talking. %% Thank you, it was delicious! %% Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything. -- Charles Kuralt %% Thanks. I needed that. %% Thanksgiving at Three Mile Island: a two pound turkey and a twenty pound cranberry. -- Johnny Carson %% That Harvard don down at El Djim -- Oh, wasn't it nasty of him, With the whole harem randy, The sheik himself handy, To muss up a young camel's quim. %% That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book. -- Heine %% That action is best which procures the greatest happiness for the greatest number. %% That ain't so good English! %% That arithmetic is the basest of all mental activities is proved by the fact that it is the only one that can be accomplished by a machine. -- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860) %% That cannot be turned. %% That cause is strong, which has not a multitude, but a strong man behind it. -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891) %% That deaf, dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball. %% That does not compute. %% That dog food was delicious! %% That food really hit the spot! %% That girl at the end of the bar wants you to know that she doesn't want to know you! %% That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper. %% That idea doesn't seem to be valid here. %% That incantation seems to have been a failure. %% That is a good book which is opened with expectation and closed in profit. -- Amos Bronson Alcott %% That is the key to history. Terrific energy is expended -- civilizations are built up -- excellent institutions devised; but each time something goes wrong. Some fatal flaw always brings the selfish and cruel people to the top, and then it all slides back into misery and ruin. In fact, the machine conks. It seems to start up all right and runs a few yards, and then it breaks down. -- C. S. Lewis %% That is utterly preposterous. %% That life is long which answers life's great end. -- Young %% That mistake will not be repeated. There are plenty of mistakes left that haven't been tried yet. -- Andy Tanenbaum %% That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once, It said "Good-bye. -- Richard Armour %% That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. -- Moliere %% That naughty old Sappho of Greece Said: "What I prefer to a piece Is to have my pudenda Rubbed hard by the enda The little pink nose of my niece." %% That only with propriety be styled refinement which, by strengthening the intellect, purifies the manners. -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge %% That politics has a bearing on business confidence is unproven. -- Mark Epernay %% That really bites the big one. %% That satiated your stomach! %% That secret pact you made back when your love could save you from the tenderness. %% That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy as a liberal inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. -- Marion J. Levy, Jr. %% That spell has no obvious effect. %% That such have died enables us The tranquiler to die; That such have lived, certificate For immortality. -- Emily Dickinson %% That takes the cake -- and eats it, too. %% That tendency to err that programmers have been noticed to share with other human beings has often been treated as if it were an awkwardness attendant upon programming's adolescence, which like acne would disappear with the craft's coming of age. It has proved otherwise. -- Mark Halpren %% That that is is not that that is not. %% That the birds of worry and care fly above your head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent. %% That there should one Man die ignorant who had capacity for Knowledge, this I call tragedy... The miserable fraction of Science which our United Mankind, in a wide universe of Nescience, has acquired, why is not this, with all diligence, imparted to all? -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881) %% That truth cannot be material in any respect, is contrary to the nature of things. No tribunal, no codes, no systems can repeal or impair this law of God, for by his eternal laws it is inherent in the nature of things ... It is evident that if you cannot apply this mitigated doctrine for which I speak ... you must for ever remain ignorant of what your rulers do. I can never think this ought to be; I never did think the truth was a crime; I am glad the day is come in which it is to be decided; for my soul has ever abhorred the thought, that a free man dared not speak the truth. -- Alexander Hamilton %% That was ZEN -- this is TAO %% That was then, but this is now. %% That which does not kill me makes me smarter %% That which goes contrary to the prevailing taste is, for me, the most precious of things.... Whatever is scorned, despised or not understood by the society in which one lives has prospects for the future. -- Andre Masson (1896-?) %% That which has not been taught directly can never be taught directly. %% That which is bright rises twice: The image of Fire. Thus the great man, by perpetuating this brightness, Illumines the four quarters of the world. %% That which is good to be done, cannot be done too soon; and if it is neglected to be done early, it will frequently happen that it will not be done at all. -- Bishop Mant %% That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. %% That which is used develops. That which is not used wastes away. -- Hippocrates (460?-377? B.C.) %% That which is won ill, will never wear well, for there is a curse attends it, which will waste it; and the same corrupt dispositions which incline men to the sinful ways of getting, will incline them to the like sinful ways of spending. -- Matthew Henry %% That which seems the height of absurdity in one generation often becomes the height of wisdom in another. -- Adlai Stevenson %% That which we acquire with the most difficulty we retain the longest; as those who have earned a fortune are usually more careful with it than those who have inherited one. -- Colton %% That which we call sin in others is experiment for us. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) %% That word is henceforth replaced with DUNGEON. %% That would be a good trick. %% That would be cheating, try rolling drunks next time. %% That would involve quite a contortion! %% That'll be $67.50 CCCHHHHHIIIIINNNNGGGG!!!! %% That's S O M E beer ! %% That's a physical impossibility. %% That's a valiant flea that dare eat his breakfast on the lip of a lion. -- William Shakespeare %% That's all folks! %% That's all life is -- one big word game. Don't lie to yourself about it anymore. P.S. You are now enlightened. -- Carl Frederick, "est: Playing the Game the New Way" %% That's all water over the bridge now. %% That's always the way when you discover something new; everyone thinks you're crazy. -- Evelyn E. Smith %% That's entertainment! -- Vlaad the Impaler %% That's funny, my watch stopped, too. %% That's funny; I never have any trouble with service when I'm shopping. -- K. Kong %% That's history. -- George Bush, on the 1988 campaign %% That's impossible, and besides he doesn't like it. %% That's inches away from being millimetre perfect. %% That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that thing is, so it can't hurt you no more. -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" %% That's life in the food chain. %% That's life. What's life? A magazine. How much does it cost? Two-fifty. I only have a dollar. That's life. %% That's no moon... -- Obi-wan Kenobi %% That's not funny, that's sick! -- National Lampoon %% That's not writing, that's typing! -- Truman Capote %% That's odd. That's very odd. Wouldn't you say that's very odd? %% That's ok 'cause she has no neck. %% That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. -- Neil Armstrong %% That's one thing about these babies. They never learned to read. -- Joe Patroni %% That's only true because it's true. %% That's the silliest thing I've every heard. %% That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they really hate is lousy programmers. -- Larry Niven and Jerry E. Pournelle "Oath of Fealty" (1981) %% That's the trouble with directors - always biting the hand that lays the golden egg. -- Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer %% That's the trouble with this country. The whole place is filled with penniless patriots. -- Rosa Bombolini %% That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball. -- Bill Veeck %% That's the way (uh-huh, uh-huh) I like it. %% That's what she said. %% That, Sir, is the good of counting. It brings everything to a certainty, which before floated in the mind indefinitely. -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) %% That, by the way, was what I call a travel-experience! -- H. P. Lovecraft, 3/12/1930 %% That, that is, is. That, that is not, is not. That, that is, is not that, that is not. That, that is not, is not that, that is. %% The "Encyclopedia Galactica" defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed to do the work of a man. The marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun to Be With." The "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" defines the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes"... -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information about punishment for drunk driving convictions in other countries. In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's drunk and in jail." In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed. In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic jail term of one year. In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven 20 miles out of town and forced to walk back. In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment. In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad. -- from the August "Road & Track" %% The "bad sprain" will inevitably turn out to be a "clean break". %% The "terror" of the French Revolution lasted for ten years. The terror that preceded and led to it lasted for a thousand years. -- Edward Abbey %% The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the postmortems. -- Charles P. Boyle %% The # already breaks the beam. %% The # bows his head to you in greeting. %% The # burns inside the receptacle. %% The # cannot be closed. %% The # catches fire and is consumed. %% The # catches fire. %% The # contains: %% The # drops to his knees, staggered. %% The # drops to his knees, unconscious. %% The # falls to the ground. %% The # goes through it. %% The # has died. %% The # is already in the #. %% The # is battered into unconsciousness. %% The # is carrying: %% The # is closed. %% The # is disarmed by a subtle feint past his guard. %% The # is empty. %% The # is knocked out! %% The # is momentarily disoriented and can't fight back. %% The # is now on. %% The # is open, but I can't tell what's beyond it. %% The # is slashed on the arm, blood begins to trickle down. %% The # is staggered and drops to his knees. %% The # isn't sleeping. %% The # must be on the ground to be boarded. %% The # passes through the wall and vanishes. %% The # receives a deep gash in his side. %% The # side of the room is divided by a wooden wall into small hallways to the #east and #west. %% The # slowly regains his feet. %% The # struggles and you cannot tie him up. %% The # takes a final blow and slumps to the floor dead. %% The #'s weapon is knocked to the floor, leaving him unarmed. %% The $357.73 Theory: Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line divisible by 5 or 10. %% The -P convention: turning a word into a question by appending the syllable "P"; from the LISP convention of appending the letter "P" to denote a predicate (a Boolean-values function). The question should expect a yes/no answer, though it needn't. (See T and NIL.) At dinnertime: "Foodp?" "Yeah, I'm pretty hungry." or "T!" "State-of-the-world-P?" (Straight) "I'm about to go home." (Humorous) "Yes, the world has a state." [One of the best of these is a Gosperism (i.e., due to Bill Gosper). When we were at a Chinese restaurant, he wanted to know whether someone would like to share with him a two-person-sized bowl of soup. His inquiry was: "Split-p soup?" --GLS] %% The 100% American is 99% a fool %% The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. -- R. B. Greenberg %% The 11th COMMANDMENT - Thou shalt not be a smartass! %% The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters. In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes. Sometime later the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon. He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles." "No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-jet missiles!" %% The 20/80 Law: 20 percent of the customers account for 80 percent of the turnover, 20 percent of the components account for 80 percent of the cost, and so forth. -- Vilfredo Pareto %% The 486 is to a modern CPU as a Jules Verne reprint is to a modern SF novel. -- Henery Spencer %% The 5,000 best looking men in the world are gay. %% The ABCs of Appliance Repair: a) At the first sign of electrical or mechanical trouble, gently wipe the outside of the appliance with a damp cloth. This should correct the problem. b) If that doesn't work, don't do anything. Appliances will often repair themselves if allowed plenty of rest. Make the appliance comfortable and do not disturb for a couple of days. This should correct the problem. c) An appliance responds to a caring attitude. Show that you understand its feelings and that you are going to try to be more sensitive to its needs in the future. d) Don't take the appliances moods too seriously. Most bad behavior is just an attempt to get your attention. e) If the problem still persists, a direct threat (like holding the appliance over the toilet) will help reestablish your authority. f) All mechanical adjustments can be easily made with one simple, all-purpose tool: a claw hammer. This should correct the problem. -- "Sunday Magazine" %% The Abysmal repeated. If you are sincere, you have success in your heart, And whatever you do succeeds. %% The Alcoholic's version of "Twinkle, twinkle, little star": Starkle, starkle, little twink Who the heck I are you think I'm not under the affluence of incohol As some thinkle peep I are, So give me tee more martoonees-- I fool so feelish. %% The Algol compiler used at Case Institute of Technology, after finding 25 errors in the source (e.g., like you spelled BEGIN as BEGNI), would print "At this point, we suggest you try re-reading the manual." %% The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen. -- Sir Winston S. Churchill (1942) %% The American Republic and American business are Siamese twins; they came out of the same womb at the same time; they are born in the same principles, and when American business dies, the American republic will die, and when the American Republic dies, American business will die. -- Josiah W. Bailey %% The American people aren't interested in details. -- Lyn Nofziger %% The American sister states: Mary Land, Ida Ho, Louisa Anna, & Minne Sota. %% The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. -- Al Capone (1899-1947) %% The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves. -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace [the first programmer] %% The Angels want to wear my red shoes. -- E. Costello %% The Angriest Dog in the World is bound so tightly with tension and anger that he approaches the state of rigor mortis. %% The Anthony Blunt excuse There is a perfectly satisfactory explanation for everything, but security prevents its disclosure. %% The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. -- Tom Lehrer %% The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains. -- Dave Barry %% The Army. The army needs perseverance And a strong man. Good fortune without blame. %% The Banana Principle: Heuristic devices don't tell you when to stop. %% The Beat-Inflation garden we planted so enthusiastically just two months ago is to be rededicated as an ecological exhibit. It illustrates zero growth. %% The Belgian government has decided that the British system of driving on the left side of the road may have significant advantages over their present right side of the road system, so they have scheduled an experiment: Starting on the first of January, and for the next six months, all cars in Belgium will be required to drive on the left side of the road. If, as expected, the experiment is a success, then trucks will also start driving on the left ... %% The Bible is a window in this prison of hope, through which we look into eternity. -- John Sullivan Dwight %% The Bible is true this I know, For the Bible tells me so. -- Jordan Henderson, (jordan@neosoft.com) %% The Bible may be the truth, but it is not the whole truth and nothing but the truth. -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) %% The Bible on letters of reference: Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you? No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any man can see it for what it is and read it for himself. -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2 [New English translation] %% The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue. -- Dumas %% The Big One! %% The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... and the bird is on the wing. -- Omar Khayyam %% The Board of Trustees of (fill in University here) want to find out if the profs. really know their stuff. So they decide to ask the profs. "What's two plus two?" They go to the Math Dept. and the response is "Oh, that's easy, it's four." So they write that down and go to the Physics Dept. and the response is "Oh, it's 4.00000000 with an uncertainty of another place." Then they go to the College of Engineering and the response is "Just a minute while I get my handbook." Finally, they go to the School of Management and the Accounting Dept. and there the response is (said in a low voice) "What do you want it to be?" The Board of Trustees, not convinced by the performance in the previous joke, decides to test the profs. again. First they take a Math prof. and put him in a room. Now, the room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of softballs. They tell him to do whatever he want with the balls and the table in one hour. After an hour, he comes out and the Trustees look in and the balls are arranges in a triangle at the center of the table. Next, they give the same test to a physics prof. After an hour, they look in, and the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table. Finally, the give the test to an Engineering prof. After an hour, they look in and one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the third out in his lunchbox. %% The Bougourre Factor changes the equation to fit the Universe. %% The Brain-Eye Law: To a certain extent, observational power can compensate for mental weakness. %% The British are coming! The British are coming! %% The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" %% The Bugs Of Wrath -- John Steinbug %% The Cabinet is a pig, a serpent, a tiger and an ox brought together and told to produce offspring. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 %% The Cafeteria Law: The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in will be taken by the person in front of you. %% The Caldron. Supreme good fortune. Success. %% The California Paiute Indian Reservation's laws forbid a mother-in-law to spend more than thirty days a year with her children. %% The Captain said, "Four hundred ninety-seven and a half feet of rope? What you got that for?" And the first mate said, "Oh, I just carry it." %% The Cat And The Candy We drove to Uncle's in the car you called home, and I kissed the person you had been when I kissed you. Alone now, Christmas day, I want to tumble outside, but I catch myself asleep again, waiting for my present. Pills they think help me to get out of these walls. -- Jeremy Michael Mullen %% The Cat in the Hat comes back. %% The Charge of the Light Brigade excuse It was an unfortunate lapse by an individual which has now been dealt with under internal disciplinary proceedings. %% The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult, and left untried. -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936), "What's Wrong with the World" %% The Christian notion of the possibility of redemption is incomprehensible to the computer. -- Vance Packard %% The Christians were the first to make the existence of Satan a dogma of the church. %% The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of rise per foot of run. A compromise... %% The Clinging. Perseverance furthers. It brings success. Care of the cow brings good fortune. %% The Cold War is over and we won. But recent celebration over the disintegration of the Communist bloc and the bankruptcy of socialism should not blind us to a consequent ecological tragedy - the endangered-species status of the western leftist. The greater and lesser western leftists have lent color and absurdity to our political landscape for nearly a century now. Who, having ever encountered them in their once-numerous herds, can forget their odd and brightly colored plumage, their adept camouflages of ideological directions, their skill at posing for the media, and the endearingly complete stupidity with which they confronted a huge range of issues from superpower relations to energy policy? But, my friends, we are now in serious danger of losing this source of memetic variety to galloping habitat erosion. As it becomes clearer that socialism is a one-way ticket to economic failure and eventual political collapse, whole populations of western leftists are falling silent and dying off. Biomes in the entertainment industry, organized labor, institutional religion and the federal beaureaucracy that were once dominated by these creatures have been taken over by newer political species. Perhaps only the American professoriat and the so-called "underground" media still support viable breeding colonies. I call on all libertarians, centrists, and conservatives concerned with the encouragement of ecopolitical variety - we must act now, before it is too late! A world without Mother Jones and Alexander Cockburn and infinite fatuities about "agrarian reformers" would be a smarter and happier place, yes - but also duller. If we don't move to establish protected habitats now, the American leftist may well follow such lost species as the Whig, the Monarchist and the Know-Nothing into extinction within a decade. And then who would we have to kick around? Act Now - Help Save the Vanishing Leftist! %% The Commandments of the EE: 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most embarrassing manner. 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this earthly vale of tears. 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like a radiator too. 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely unbelievers. %% The Communist system must be based on the will of the people, and if the people should not want that system, then that people should establish a different system. -- Nikita S. Khrushchev (1894-1971) %% The Comprehensive Schools excuse It's only gone wrong because of heavy cuts in staff and budget which have streched supervisory resources beyond the limit. %% The Concorde excuse It was a worthwhile expirement now abandoned, but not before it provided valuable data and considerable employment. %% The Constitution ... speaks of liberty and prohibits the deprivation of liberty without due process of law. In prohibiting that deprivation the Constitution does not recognize an absolute and uncontrollable liberty. -- Chief Justice Charles Evans Hughes %% The Constitution of the United States guarantees every individual the right to make a damn fool of himself -- in public or private, however he chooses. -- Solomon Short %% The Corners of the Mouth. Perseverance brings good fortune. Pay heed to the providing of nourishment. And to what a man seeks To fill his own mouth with. %% The Creative works sublime success, Furthering through perseverance. %% The Crystal Cave Old miseryguts hates the whole world Just for having been born. He looks at the blue roof over our heads And curses what cruel life has done to him. All my life I have dreamt of the starships Heading out into the deep unknown and returning. Nyneve: she trapped me on this earth And left me without love to soldier on, My mother the witch: I had no father; Devil. And the girls in their summer dresses have floated by, The rollcall reaches back into childhood. And the heroes in their quiet courage have died for me, McAuliffe and Grissom; Gagarin and Icarus, The rollcall reaches back into eternity. The poetry is gone now, it was an illusion, The bubble in the heart is burst. White horses of the sea, black horses on the page, White streaks of the rocketships carry on the dream: To escape from Hell into the immortal world of Love. That is only done in the imagination. All's true is the look of love in a girl's eye. Savour it sweetly. It has to last a lifetime. `There are many stars and I want them.' The computers hum, the screens scroll, The best and the brightest are playing games, We'll put up another Challenger. %% The Czech's in the mail. Sending Frenchman by FAX. %% The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch a satellite. Of course it would orbit not Earth but Sputnik. %% The DREA Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases. %% The Department of Defense has taken over this computer. World War III will start in 25 minutes. %% The Diddle factor changes things so that the equation and the universe appear to fit, without requiring any real change in either. This has the characteristic of eliminating differences by dropping the subject under discussion to zero importance. %% The Director of Research should know as little as possible about the specific subject of research he is administering. %% The Donald: "Hey, it's the American way." Marshall: "Listen, mister. Nobody turns my family into zombies and gets away with it." The Donald: "They're not zombies, they're consumers." Dash-X: "Yeah, besides, how can you tell the difference?" -- "Zombies in P.J.s", Eerie Indiana %% The Dowager Duchess of Spout Collapsed at the height of a rout; She found strength to say As they bore her away: "I should never have taken the trout." -- Edward Gorey %% The Dream Police, they live inside of my head. %% The Dry Ice Time Bomb Get a small plastic container with lid (back in the metallurgy dept. at OSU, we used the small plastic cans that hold the coaters used for large-format Polaroid film, because we had jillions of 'em lying around. A film cannister would probably work; the key is, it should seal tightly and take a fair amount of effort to open). Now, place a chunk of dry ice in the can, and put on the lid without quite sealing it. Put the assembled, bomb, time-delay, CO2, M1A1 in your pocket, or behind your back. Approach the victim and engage in normal conversation. When his attention is drawn away, quickly seal the lid on the bomb, deposit it somewhere within a few feet of the victim, out of obvious sight, and then leave. Depending on variables (you'll want to experiment, first), you'll hear a loud "pop" and an even louder "Aarrggghhh! " within a minute, when the dry ice warms and the CO2 pressure becomes sufficient to blow off the lid. In a cluttered film lab, this is doubly nasty, because the odds are the victim will never figure out what made the noise. %% The Earth does not belong to man. Man belongs to the Earth. %% The Earth is a laboratory designed to test our faith. %% The Earth is our Mother; Our nine months are up. %% The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. %% The Eighteen Bottles I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. %% The Eighth Commandment of Frisbee: In any crowd of spectators at least one will suggest that razor blades could be attached to the disc. ("You could maim and kill with that thing.") -- Dan Roddick %% The Eighth Law of Project Management: Project teams detest progress reporting because it vividly manifests their lack of progress. %% The Elephant Yam - (We actually made an animated short on this one: DISTINGUISHED POTATO: (Shocked) Oh my God! It's an animal! (Frightened screams) DISFIGURED YAM: I am not an animal! (slurping wheeze) I am a vegetable! I am... A yam! In Cold Spud - (We did a publicity photo consisting of a potato with a knife stuck in it in front of some venetian blinds.) Tater vs. Tater My Three Spuds Nospatatu the Yampire Goodbye, Mr. (potato) Chips I Was a Teenage French Fry Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Spud The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Told by the Inmates of the Asylum at Charenton under the Direction of the Marquis de Spud %% The Emperor's New mall: The popular notion that shopping malls exist only on the insides and have no exterior. The suspension of visual belief engendered by this notion allows shoppers to pretend that large, cement blocks thrust into their environment do not, in fact, exist. -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% The Empire State Building has over 6,400 windows. %% The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) %% The English laws punish vice; the Chinese laws do more, they reward virtue. -- Oliver Goldsmith %% The Enterprise girls, so one hears, Have chased Spock for several years. His look of disdain Has spared them great pain, For his prick is as sharp as his ears. %% The Extended Murphy's Law: If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in the worst possible sequence. %% The Eye-Brain Law: To a certain extent, mental power can compensate for observational weakness. %% The F-15 Eagle: If it's up, we'll shoot it down. If it's down, we'll blow it up. -- A McDonnel-Douglas ad from a few years ago %% The FROBOZZ Company, Ltd., created, owns, and operates this dungeon. %% The Fall of the Cities had left a few survivors. Some were mad. All took the life-extending compound if they could get it. All were looking for enclaves of civilization. None had thought to build his own. -- "Ringworld" %% The Family. The perseverance of the woman furthers. %% The Fifth Commandment of Frisbee: The best catches are never seen. ("Did you see that?"--"See what?") -- Dan Roddick %% The Fifth SNAFU Equation: In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. %% The Finagle Factor is characterized by changing the Universe to fit the equation. %% The First Commandment of Frisbee: The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just beyond reach. This force is technically called "car suck". -- Dan Roddick %% The First Law Of Air Travel: The earlier you arrive at the airport for your flight, the later your flight will depart. %% The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (For experts only): Don't do it yet. -- "Programming Pearls", Communications of the ACM, Sep. 1985 %% The Force is what holds everything together. It has its dark side, and it has its light side. It's sort of like cosmic duct tape. %% The Force. It surrounds us; It enfolds us; It gets us dates on Saturday nights. -- Obi Wan Kenobi, Famous Jedi Knight and Party Animal %% The Forces of Nature Gravity works near and far To bind a planet to a star; Coulombic forces forge atomic links. Weak forces turn decay paths on, The strong force glues the nucleon, But the strongest force in sports is still The Jinx. Its fevered fear attacks the line The icy chill creeps up each spine And saps from every coach his very breath. No matter how well practice goes The week will end in fitful throes For no one can escape the Kiss of Death. As Notre Dame was heading west To face its toughest Trojan test The lucky Irish stars shone bright above her, And I shouted joyously, "O, my!" When the postman brought my new S.I. For I saw that Southern Cal was on The Cover. I ran out yelling, "Lookie, lookie, Call my broker, call my bookie, Bet the house and car on Gold and Blue!" And savoring now the victory, I set these facts for history, And pen these lines to S.I.: "Sirs, thank you." %% The Fourth Commandment of Frisbee: The higher the costs of hitting any object, the greater the certainty it will be struck. (Remember--the disc is positive --both cops and old ladies are clearly negative). -- Dan Roddick %% The Fourth Law of Computing: On a slow day, you can wait forever. %% The Fourth SNAFU Equation: Interchangeable devices won't. %% The French defence isn't... %% The Generalized Thermodynamic Law (Systems Theory): More probable states are more likely to be observed than less probable states, unless specific constraints exist to keep them from occurring. %% The Generalized Thermodynamic Law (Systems Theory): The things we see more frequently are more frequent: (1) because there is some physical reason to favor certain states or (2) because there is some mental reason. %% The Gentle. Success through what is small. It furthers one to have somewhere to go. It furthers one to see the great man. %% The Germ : 25 Million of your population die due to germ warfare. %% The German has no idea how much the people must be misled if the support of the masses is required. -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945), "Mein Kampf" %% The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is your move. -- Frank Crane %% The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules. %% The Gordian knot couldn't be untied either. %% The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair. They looked like women only more horrible. %% The Great Tragedy of the 20th century is that Clinton's name isn't on the Wall. -- John De Armond, WD4OQC, jgd@dixie.com %% The Grecians were famed for fine art, And buildings and stonework so smart. They distinguished with poise The men from the boys, And used crowbars to keep them apart. THE BEY OF ALGIERS (II) The long-peckered Bey of Algiers Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears. A demon for semen, This buffersome he-man Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears. %% The Guardian notices a wooden structure creeping by, and his suspicions are aroused. %% The Guardians awake and, in perfect unison, destroy you with their stone bludgeons. Satisfied, they resume their posts. %% The Gym-Goer's Maxim: The bulges on your body that you want most to get rid of are the ones least affected by exercise. %% The Heavy Metal moto : "If it's too loud, you're too old." %% The Hebrew school teacher asked one of his students if she said prayers before meals. The proud little girl answered, "Oh, not me. I don't have to - my dad's a good cook." %% The Hindmost had a working droud . . . and [Louis Wu] hated himself for wanting it. -- "The Ringworld Engineers" %% The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels. Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore, the non- hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with. %% The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels. A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough. %% The How Come It All Landed On Me Law: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. %% The Hubbell works fine; all that stuff IS blurry! %% The IBM 2250 is impressive ... if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. -- D. Cohen %% The IRS does it to EVERYBODY. %% The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: A program is a lot like a nose: Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. %% The Illustrious Ancestor Disciplines the Devil's Country. After three years he conquers it. Inferior people must not be employed. %% The Irish Leprechaun is the Faeries' shoemaker and is known under various names in different parts of Ireland: Cluricaune in Cork, Lurican in Kerry, Lurikeen in Kildare and Lurigadaun in Tipperary. Although he works for the Faeries, the Leprechaun is not of the same species. He is small, has dark skin and wears strange clothes. His nature has something of the manic-depressive about it: first he is quite happy, whistling merrily as he nails a sole on to a shoe; a few minutes later, he is sullen and morose, drunk on his home-made heather ale. The Leprechaun's two great loves are tobacco and whiskey, and he is a first-rate con-man, impossible to out-fox. No one, no matter how clever, has ever managed to cheat him out of his hidden pot of gold or his magic shilling. At the last minute he always thinks of some way to divert his captor's attention and vanishes in the twinkling of an eye. -- From: A Field Guide to the Little People by Nancy Arrowsmith & George Moorse. %% The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight. "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's still in." %% The Jackal only eats bad food. %% The Jovian invaders sort a Bunch of captives in the nude: These for breeding, those for slaughter, And the fattest ones for food. %% The Joyous. Success. Perseverance is favorable. %% The Junior God now heads the roll In the list of heaven's peers; He sits in the House of High Control, And he regulates the spheres. Yet does he wonder, do you suppose, If, even in gods divine, The best and wisest may not be those Who have wallowed awhile with the swine? -- Robert W. Service %% The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. And now, just look at me." %% The L.A. courts are so backed up with trials against all the looters, they've opened up a 10 items or less counter!! -- George Wallace %% The Lab called,..... Your brain is ready! %% The Last One's Law of Program Generators: A program generator creates programs that are more "buggy" than the program generator. %% The Latino military fare badly when they stumble into war with the gringos. But in the torture, murder, and massacre of their own people, they have always performed with brilliance and elan. -- Edward Abbey %% The Law Conservation of Energy: The total amount of energy in the universe is constant. -- Dr. John Gall %% The Law of Fashion: The same dress is: indecent 10 years before its time daring 1 year before its time chic in its time dowdy 3 years after its time hideous 20 years after its time amusing 30 years after its time romantic 100 years after its time beautiful 150 years after its time -- James Laver %% The Law of Happy Particularities: Any general system law will have at least two particular applications. -- Gerald Weinberg %% The Law of Medium Numbers: For medium number systems, we can expect that large fluctuations, irregularities, and discrepancy with any theory will occur more or less regularly. (This is more succinctly expressed by Murphy: Anything that can happen, will happen.) %% The Law of Moses contains 613 rules. The Lord summed it up in Ten Commandments. Christ summarized it in two: Love God, Love thy Neighbor. %% The Law of Raspberry Jam - The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets. -- Alvin Toffler, "The Culture Consumers", 1964 %% The Law of Raspberry Jam: The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets. -- Stanley Edgar Hyman %% The Law of Selective Gravitation: A dropped tool will land where it will do the most damage. %% The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down Law: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. %% The Law of Software Envelopment Every program at MIT attempts to expand until it can read mail. Those programs which cannot expand are replaced by ones which can. %% The Law of Unhappy Peculiarities: Any general system law will have at least two peculiar exceptions. -- Gerald Weinberg %% The Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. %% The Law of the Too Solid Goof: In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors. Corollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either. Corollary 2: Any nagging intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately. %% The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the street, and to steal bread. -- Anatole France (1844-1924) %% The Laws of Cartoon Physics: 1: No shotgun ever runs out of ammunition. (Related law: Shotgun barrels can be reversed on the fly so that the user takes the blast full in the face.) 2: Supplies of sticks of dynamite and "bowling-ball" bombs are unlimited. 3: Baseball bats and other large bludgeons can be carried concealed in one's hip pocket. (Corollary: All cartoon characters have hip pockets whether they have clothes or not.) 4: Major implements of destruction -- steamrollers, tanks, and cannons -- can be produced on demand from out of nowhere. %% The Leprechaun Gold Tru$t is no division of the Magic Memory Vault. %% The Leprechauns hide their treasure in a small hidden room. %% The Llama is a woolly sort of fleecy hairy goat, With an indolent expression and an undulating throat Like an unsuccessful literary man. -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Llama" %% The Lone Ranger and Tonto are travelling along, when suddenly they are surrounded by "Injuns"... Injuns to the West, Injuns to the East, Injuns to the North, Injuns to the South... The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says, "Well, old buddy, looks like we're in a bit of trouble now." Tonto turns to the Lone Ranger and replies, "What you mean we, paleface?" %% The Lone Ranger, while hunting down some low-down-murderous scum, is captured. Fortunately, Silver escapes. The bad guys decide to take Loney out into the desert and tie him down, naked, to stakes. Once they are satisfied that he is secured, they leave him to die slowly. Silver appears at the scene. The Lone Ranger says to him, "Silver, go to town and get the posse!" Silver rears back, whinnies, and charges off to town, many miles away. All day, in the blistering sun, the Lone Ranger survives. Just as he thinks the end is near, night falls. Though relieved at first, he begins to get colder and colder. By shear power of will, he manages to survive the night. As dawn breaks, he hears the thundering of horse hooves. Up gallops Silver with a naked woman on his back. "God Damnit, Silver, I said 'POSSE'" %% The Lord giveth, Uncle Sam taketh away. %% The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Fickle, fickle Lord. -- Solomon Short %% The Lord made grass, Man made booze; Who CAN you trust? [Actually, ethanol is a natural product -- generated normally by the human body.] %% The Lump Law: If we want to learn anything, we mustn't try to learn everything. %% The Majority already has its roads and hotels. Only a small minority enjoy art galleries, libraries, and universities. Yet no one would suggest making these facilities into bowling alleys, circuses, or hot dog stands just because more people would use them. Quality has a claim as well as quantity. -- Robert Marshall %% The Man of Steel. %% The Marines: The few, the proud, the not very bright. %% The Marrying Maiden. Undertakings bring misfortune. Nothing that would further. %% The Merry Pranksters welcomes the Hell's Angeles. %% The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated. -- Rabbi Meir Kahane %% The Mets did it in 69. %% The Mets drafted a catcher as their first-ever pick. Asked why, Casey Stengel replied, "Well, without a catcher, we'd have a lot of passed balls, don'tcha think?" %% The Middle East is certainly the nexus of turmoil for a long time to come -- with shifting players, but the same game: upheaval. I think we will be confronting militant Islam -- particularly fallout from the Iranian revolution -- and religion will once more, as it has in our own more distant past -- play a role at least as standard-bearer in death and mayhem. -- Bobby R. Inman, Admiral, USN, Retired, former director of Naval Intelligence, vice director of the DIA, former director of the NSA, deputy director of Central Intelligence, former chairman and CEO of MCC. %% The Ming vase drops with a delicate crash. %% The Modelski Chain Rule: 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your Hewlett-Packard. 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly bright-looking individual. 3: Procure a large chain. 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem. Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. %% The Moses film project was abandoned after they'd seen the rushes. -- Alan F. G. Lewis %% The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. %% The Munish Agreement excuse It occured before important facts were known, and cannot happen again. (The important fact being that Hitler wanted to conquer Europe) %% The NICS-TARE experience. What a fun party! %% The NJ state gemstone is concrete %% The New Age orgy: The flesh was willing but the spirits weak. -- Edward Abbey %% The New IBM PERSONAL SYSTEM COMPUTERS: Engineered... by Lawyers -- Jeff Meyer %% The New York Penal Code states that anyone who arrests a dead man for debt is guilty of a misdemeanor. %% The New York State Vehicle and Traffic Laws state that "Two vehicles which are passing each other in opposite directions shall have the right of way." %% The Ninth Commandment of Frisbee: The greater your need to make a good catch, the greater the probability your partner will deliver his worst throw. (If you can't touch it, you can't trick it.) -- Dan Roddick %% The Nixon principle: If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. %% The Norwegian Blue stuns easily. %% The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome. %% The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun god at 8:15 the next morning. %% The Official Offline Reader of The Lunatic Fringe! %% The Official Santa Clara County Richter Scale: 3.0-3.9: Motion comparable to upset stomach after bad burrito. Freeways impassable. 4.0-4.9: Slight fizz noticed in refrigerated mineral water. Freeways impassable. 5.0-5.9: Wine racks upset. Freeways impassable. 6.0: Difficult to jog. White caps in hot tubs. Freeways impassable. 7.0: U-storage facilities collapse. Tsunamis in waterbeds. Small cars upset. Freeways impassable. 7.9: RVs overturned. Suction-cups Garfields jarred off car windows. Freeways impassable. 8.0: Malls evacuated. Hackers notice movement. Freeways beginning to clear. 8.9: Jack-in-the-Box restaurants close. Freeways clear. %% The Ohio General Code provides: "A person assaulted and lynched by a mob may recover from the county in which the assault is made a sum not to exceed five hundred dollars." %% The Old Left: "I like New York," she said, "because there I feel close to the masses." -- Edward Abbey %% The Open Kimono - by U. Seymore Hair %% The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for and END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!! %% The Pavlov dog and the Schroedinger cat Side by side in my forebrain sat With Shakespeare's monkeys crowding in behind. . . . . . it's all in your mind. -- Visual Purple %% The Pearl Harbor: 5 parts pineapple juice, 4 parts vodka, 1 part Midori. The reason behind the name is twofold -- first, the pine juice gives it a rather murky color, not unlike the water in Pearl Harbor itself -- and second, it's sweet enough to launch a sneak attack on your body... :) %% The Pep Boys: Manny, Moe, and Jack! %% The Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. %% The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig. -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971) %% The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct". -- Confucius %% The Pope and some Cardinals were sitting around one afternoon. One of the Cardinals strolled to the window and looked outside. To his surprise he saw Jesus walking toward the building. Very excitedly the Cardinal ran over to the Pope and said, "Excellency. Excellency. I have just seen Jesus walking toward us in the garden. He's here! It's the second coming!" The Pope replied, "Quick. Everybody look busy." %% The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope, "Just a minute, I'll be right back". At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away. When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, "Follow me to your new quarters." Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyer's quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity. Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope's new quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot y 9 foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The Pope said, "I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small room. Saint Peter said, "Well, you see, we have a great many popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer." %% The Postal Service is raising its rates for storing mail. %% The Power of the Great. Perseverance furthers. %% The Power separates Thrint from Animal. %% The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, Were each of them once a kiddie. A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. Do I want one? God Forbiddie! -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971) %% The President is my shepherd, I am in want. He maketh me to lie down on park benches, he leadeth me beside still factories, he restoreth my doubt in the Republican party. He guideth me to the path of unemployment for his party's sake. I am still hungry. I fear evil for thou art against me. Thou anointest my income with taxes, so my expenses runneth over my income. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days of the Republican administration, and I shall live in a rented house forever. %% The President of these overly-united States was shaking hands with the NY Yankees one day -- apparently during summer. When he got to Babe Ruth, the Bambino opened with, "Hot as Hell, ain't it, Prez?" %% The Principle of Indifference: Laws should not depend on a particular choice of notation. %% The Professor enters the classroom, looks around and bids his charges a hearty 'Good Morning!'. The freshmen respond with 'Good morning, Professor!' The sophomores just mutter 'Morning!' The juniors just grunt. The seniors simply write down the Professor's greeting in their notes. %% The Professor: "The computer is down..." The Wizard: "Could you be more specific?" The Professor: "The computer is down AGAIN." -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe" %% The Programmer's Twelve Days of Christmas On the twelfth day of Christmas My true love gave to me Twelve plotters plotting, Eleven printers grinding, Ten punches jamming, Nine nixies blinking, Eight drums a-spinning, Seven screens a-scrolling, Six mice a-clicking, Five write rings, Four coding sheets, Three punch cards, Two paper tapes, And a cartridge in a P.C. %% The Proustian aquarium: grotesque and gorgeous fish drifting with languid fins through a subaqueous medium of pale violet polluted ink. -- Edward Abbey %% The Public is merely a multiplied "me." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators. -- Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800-1859), "History of England" %% The QAPR that ate SDRC. See the movie! %% The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer day: The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts And took them quite away! -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" %% The Rabbits The Cow Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk; That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk. -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971) %% The Rain falls equally on everybody, But there are some people who have the best umbrellas.... %% The Receptive brings about sublime success, Furthering through the perseverance of a mare. If the superior man undertakes something and tries to lead, He goes astray; But if he follows, he finds guidance. It is favorable to find friends in the west and south, To forego friends in the east and north. Quiet perseverance brings good fortune. %% The Republican administration has failed to enforce the Prohibition law; is guily of trafficking in liquor permits, and has become the protector of violators of this law. The Democratic Party pledges to respect and enforce the Constitution and all laws. -- Democratic National Platform, 1924 %% The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher Called a hen a most elegant creature. The hen, pleased with that, Laid an egg in his hat -- And thus did the hen reward Beecher. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894) %% The Ringworld is an engineering compromise between a Dyson Sphere and a normal planet. %% The Rockettes are so perfect you'd think they were Xeroxed. -- Irene Peter %% The Romans would never have had time to conquer the world if they had been obliged to first learn Latin. %% The Russian dictatorship of the proletariat has made a a farce of the whole Marxist vision: developing a powerful, privileged ruling class to prepare for a classless society, setting up the most despotic state in history so that the state may wither away, establishing by force a colonial empire to combat imperialism and unify the workers of the world. -- Herbert J. Muller %% The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. That does not raise my apprehensions one iota. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower %% The Safety Nazis won't be satisfied until the drinking age is 55 and the speed limit 21 -- Jeff Chan, chan@shell.portal.com %% The San Diego Freeway...Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! -- "Bumper Snickers" %% The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald. %% The Scottsman asked the stablemaster if he could rent a horse. The stablemaster asked, "How Long?" The Scotsman replied, "The longest you got. We've got five going." %% The Scottsman comes to his friend in tears. "My beautiful comb. I broke a tooth on it an now I can't use it anymore. What am I going to do? Now I'll have to buy another one." "Well," said his friend, "you don't need to buy another just because you lost one tooth on your comb." "But you don't understand. It was the last tooth." %% The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe: %% The Second Amendment doesn't grant the right to keep and bear arms. You already have that right. The Constitution just prohibits the government from taking it away from you. %% The Second Commandment of Frisbee: The higher the quality of a catch or the comment it receives, the greater the probability of a crummy throw. (Good catch = bad throw.) -- Dan Roddick %% The Second Law Of Air Travel: The amount of time saved by your plane arriving early at your destination is equal to the amount of extra time you have to wait for your luggage. %% The Second Order Rule of Bureaucracy: The more directives you issue to solve a problem, the worse it gets. -- Jack Robertson %% The Second SNAFU Equation: An object or bit of information most needed will be least available. %% The Senate Deluxe Committee on Wild Abandon got back to Arbuthnot on the amendment situation after determining that only the 17th (which guarantees the right to free, lighted parking) and 29th (the "get-out-of-jail-free" amendment) were available. %% The Seventh Commandment of Frisbee: The most powerful hex words in the sport are--"I really have this down--watch." (Know it? Blow it!) -- Dan Roddick %% The Seventh Edition licensing procedures are, I suppose, still in effect, though I doubt that tapes are available from AT&T. At any rate, whatever restrictions the license imposes still exist. These restrictions were and are reasonable for places that just want to run the system, but don't allow many of the things that Minix was written for, like study of the source in classes, or by individuals not in a university or company. I've always thought that Minix was a fine idea, and competently done. As for the size of v7, wc -l /usr/sys/*/*.[chs] is 19271. -- Dennis Ritchie, 1989 %% The Seventh Law of Project Management: A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long. %% The Shuttle is now going 5 times the sound of speed. -- Dan Rather [first landing of Columbia] %% The Sixth SNAFU Equation: Badness comes in waves. %% The Soviet news agency TASS reported that one of the leaders of the failed Soviet coup committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. He died after the third bullet entered his head. %% The Space People think factories are musical instruments. Each song lasts from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. No music on weekends. %% The Space People think that TV news programs are comedies, and that soap operas are news. %% The Space People will contact us when they can make money by doing so. %% The Special Investigations Committee of the Loyal Order of Oddfellows, Lodge No. 57, traded Senator Sam Nunn to a committee that still is working on its name in return for two members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and the right to yell "Manucher Ghorbanifar" in a crowded movie theatre. %% The Squirrels' Motto ("The Hell's Angels of Nature"): "Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!" %% The Stanley Cup, hockey's most coveted championship award, was presented by Governer-General Lord Stanley in 1893. Its original cost - $48.67 (tax unknown) %% The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity. -- Ronald W. Reagan %% The State of Delaware has a law against pawning your wooden leg. %% The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney... -- Steven Wright %% The Strip was deserted late Friday night We were buggin' each other while we sat out the light We both popped the clutch when the light turned green You shoulda heard the whine from my screamin' machine I flew past LaBrea, Schwabs, and Crescent Heights And all the Jag could see was my six taillights He passed me at Doheny and I started to swerve But I pulled her out and there we were - at Dead Man's Curve. %% The Submarine of the Usenet %% The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. %% The Supreme court says three may keep a secret, if two of them used to work for the CIA. -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac %% The Surgeon General has determined that: Continued serious computer use may be hazardous to your health. %% The Surgeon General says always wear your rubbers. %% The Synthetic Fuels Corporation, like the egg roll, is shrimp surrounded by dough. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 %% The Taming Power of the Great. Perseverance furthers. Not eating at home brings good fortune. It furthers one to cross the great water. %% The Taming Power of the Small Has success. Dense clouds, no rain from our western region. %% The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth to the assembler. The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand languages. Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within the Tao. But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. -- The Tao of Programming %% The Tens: The first decade of a new century. -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% The Tenth Commandment of Frisbee: The single most difficult move with a disc is to put it down. (Just one more.) -- Dan Roddick %% The Theorem Theorem: If if, then then. %% The Third Commandment of Frisbee: One must never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than, "Watch this!" (Keep 'em guessing.) -- Dan Roddick %% The Third Law Of Air Travel: The number of taxis at an airport is inversely proportional to the number of flights arriving. %% The Third SNAFU Equation: Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. %% The Thought Police are here. They've come To put you under cardiac arrest. And as they drag you through the door They tell you that you've failed the test. -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age" %% The Three Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task appear prospectively impossible. -- Solomon Short %% The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: 1) You can't win. 2) You can't break even. 3) You can't even get out of the game. %% The Three Lies of the 80's: 1) The check is in the mail. 2) I love you. 3) 100% IBM compatible. %% The Titanic was insured for only over three million dollars. Betty Grable's legs were insured for a cool quarter of a million, while Jimmy Durante's nose for $140,000. %% The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines: 1. Delta: We're Amtrak with wings. 2. Join our frequent near-miss program. 3. Ask about our out-of-court settlements. 4. Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off! 5. Complimentary champagne in free-fall. 6. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you. 7. The kids will love our inflatable slides. 8. You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane! 9. Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose. 10. Delta: We might be landing on your street! 11. Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us. 12. Bring a bathing suit. 13. So that's what these buttons do! 14. Delta: A real man lands where he wants to. 15. Delta: We never make the same mistake three times. -- David Letterman %% The U.S. Surgeon General warns that if you make a really ugly face, it could get stuck that way. -- Dave Barry's 1989 In Review %% The UARTs won't take this speed, Captain %% The US government will make no concessions to terrorists. It will not pay ransoms, release prisoners, change its policies or agree to other acts that might encourage additional terrorism. -- From the final report of the Vice President's Task Force on Combating Terrorism, 1986 %% The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the world put together. -- Sir Peter Medawar %% The UnCola. %% The Uncertainty Principle, according to the Mountaintop Guru: "Life is like...life. ...But not exactly." %% The United States Army; 207 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. %% The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest %% The Universe is populated by stable things. -- Richard Dawkins %% The VAX has a new instruction, Halt and Catch Fire. Please update your programs. %% The VAX was developed by DEC. Detractors assert it's a wreck. Perkin-Elmer and Prime Are still biding their time, Hoping someone will buy from them yet. %% The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth. -- John Wayne %% The Value, or <> of a man, is as of all other things, his price; that is to say, so much as would be given for the use of his power. And as in other things, so in men, not the seller, but the buyer, determines the price. -- Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679) %% The Vaporizer : 25 Million of your population vanish overnight. %% The Vatican Express Card. Don't leave Rome without it. %% The Venusians, out on a mission, Found Earth in a puzzling condition. They could understand part of our laws and our art But got stuck in the eighteenth position. %% The Vice Presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won't take it, but somebody always does. -- Bill Vaughan %% The Virginia Code (1930) has a statute "to prohibit corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than candidates." %% The Waiting Principle: Whichever line you pick to stand on, the other one moves faster. %% The Wanderer. Success through smallness. Perseverance brings good fortune To the wanderer. %% The Well. The town may be changed, But the well cannot be changed. It neither decreases nor increases. They come and go and draw from the well. If one gets down almost to the water And the rope does not go all the way, Or the jug breaks, it brings misfortune. %% The West of which I speak is but another name for the Wild; and what I have been preparing to say is, that in Wildness is the preservation of the World. Every tree sends its fibers forth in search of the Wild. The cities import it at any price. Men plow and sail for it. >From the forest and wilderness come the tonics and barks which brace mankind. Our ancestors were savages. The story of Romulus and Remus being suckled by a wolf is not a meaningless fable. The founders of every state which has risen to eminence have drawn their nourishment and vigor from a similar wild source. It was because the children of the Empire were not suckled by the wolf that they were conquered and displaced by the children of the northern forests who were. -- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862), "Walking": %% The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked. "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop." -- Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll %% The Windfall Theorem: Any unexpected gift of money is immediately equalled in amount by an unexpected expense. %% The Wright brothers' first flight at Kitty Hawk, N. C., covered about 100 feet. Now some planes are twice that long. %% The Yeti, whom we know of only By the tracks he leaves behind, Hunts the mountains, sad and lonely, For a mate to breed his kind. %% The \fIting\fR has rings of jade. Great good fortune. Nothing that would not act to further. %% The \fIting\fR has yellow handles, golden carrying rings. Perseverance furthers. %% The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself. -- Sidney Harris %% The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours, began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at nine. Candles out at ten." %% The ability of our people to deceive themselves is the highest art of the nation. %% The ablest men marry the prettiest girls. %% The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. -- T. Cheatham %% The absent are always in the wrong. %% The absent are like children, helpless to defend themselves. -- Charles Reade %% The absent are never without fault. Nor the present without excuse. -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) %% The absent-minded professor on the subway was strap-hanging with one hand and carried a bundle of books in the other. He looked worried. "Can I help you?" asked a friendly traveler. "Oh, thank you. Would you hold onto this strap while I get my fare out?" %% The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. -- Albert Camus (1913-1960) %% The absurd vanity of metaphysicians who like to imagine that they create the world by thinking about it. -- Edward Abbey %% The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" %% The abyss is dangerous. One should strive to attain small things only. %% The abyss is not filled to overflowing, It is filled only to the rim. No blame. %% The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part -- and inversely with its importance to the completion of work underway. %% The acrobats - Tom and Louise- Do an act in the nude on their knees. They crawl down the aisle While screwing dog-style, As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees." %% The acronym formed by the first letters of the phrase "GLOBAL OZONE DEPLETION" is GOD. %% The actions of your companion or close allies will help you to make an important decision. %% The actor who took the role of King Lear played the king as though he expected someone to play the ace. -- Eugene Field %% The acts of this life are the destiny of the next. %% The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. -- Clifton Fadiman %% The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal. -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930 %% The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth which it prevents you from achieving. -- Russell Green %% The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home. -- Paul Leautaud %% The advantage of modern means of communication is that they enable you to worry about things in all parts of the world. %% The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson. %% The affections are like lightening; you cannot tell where they will strike till they have fallen. -- Jean Baptiste Lacordaire %% The age of innocent faith in science and technology may be over ... every major advance in the technological competence of man has enforced revolutionary changes in the economic and political structure of society. -- Barry Commoner %% The aim of education is the knowledge not of fact, but of values. -- Dean William R. Inge %% The aim of learning is not knowledge but action. %% The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. -- Whitehead %% The air is positively magic in here. Better wear a negative armor. %% The alternative to the totalitarian state is the cooperative commonwealth. -- Norman Thomas %% The amount of effort put into a campaign by a worker expands in proportion to the personal benefits that he will derive from his party's victory. -- Milton Rakove %% The amount of entropy in the universe is constant -- except when it increases. -- Solomon Short %% The amount of flak on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value. %% The amount of junk carried is in direct proportion to the amount of space available. -- Tony Hogg %% The amount of litter in the street is proportional to the local rate of unemployment. -- David Lloyd-Jones %% The amount of noise which anyone can bear undisturbed stands in inverse proportion to his mental capacity, and may therefore be regarded as a pretty fair measure of it.... Noise is a torture to all intellectual people. -- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860) %% The amount of pleasure derived from a cigarette is directly proportional to the number of the non-smokers in the vicinity. -- Raj K. Dhawan %% The amount of quaint, authentic, rustic charm varies inversely with the pounds per square inch of water pressure in the shower. High charm, low pressure. -- Frank Mankiewicz %% The amount of research devoted to a topic in human behavior is inversely proportional to its importance and interest. -- Bernard I. Murstein %% The amount of success is in inverse proportion to the effort in attaining success. -- Felix R. Paturi %% The amount of time you have to wait for a bus is directly proportional to the inclemency of the weather. -- John Corcoran %% The amount of trash accumulated within the space occupied is exponentially proportional to the number of living bodies that enter and leave within any given amount of time. %% The amulet of Frobozz %% The analogy to athletics must be pressed until all recognize that in the exercise of intellect those who lack the muscles, coordination, and will power can claim no place at the training table, let alone on the playing field. -- Jacques Barzun %% The anatomy professor says, "Now, class, I've a few questions for ya about the homewerrk. Miss MacGregor! Stand please." [She stands.] "What organ expands to ten times its normal size when excited?" Miss MacGregor flushes and fidgets. Finally the professor tells her to be seated. "Mister Campbell: stand please and answer the same question." "It's the pupil of the eye, sir." "Very good, Mister Campbell. Miss MacGregor, I have three things to say to you. First, ya haven't done yerr homewerrk. Second, ya have a derrty mind. Third, yerr in for a *big* disappointment." %% The ancient sage who concocted the maxim, "Know Thyself" might have added, "Don't Tell Anyone!" -- H. F. Henrichs %% The anger of a woman is the greatest evil with which you can threaten your enemies. -- Bonnard %% The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. -- Albertano of Brescia %% The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing, advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivaled allegiance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it, we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continually creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've outlined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S., [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts -- Treat freshness as a youthful quirk, And dare not stray to ideas new, For if t'were tried they might e'en work And for a living what woulds't we do? %% The answer is... 42. %% The answer to "Life, the Universe and Everything" is not 42 -- this is just an integer approximation. %% The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons. %% The apathy of the born freeman is worse than the docility of the born slave. -- Grant Singleton (1890-?) %% The apathy of the people is enough to make every statue leap from its pedestal and hasten the resurrection of the dead. -- William Lloyd Garrison %% The apple tree never asks the beech how he shall grow, nor the lion, the horse, how he shall take his prey. %% The area around you appears to have once been part of a great plaza. The plaza is circular and paved with stone. %% The area around you is now completely dark. You cannot see. %% The aristocrat is right in that only a few people in any society make a real difference, but the democrat is more deeply right when he insists that we cannot predict where such valuable people are coming from and therefore have an obligation to keep all lines open. -- Sydney J. Harris %% The aristocrat is the democrat ripe and gone to seed. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) %% The army retreats. No blame. %% The arrow on the compass rose now indicates #. %% The art of Biography Is different from Geography. Geography is about maps, But Biography is about chaps. -- Edmund Clerihew Bentley, "Biography for Beginners" %% The art of a people is a true mirror of their minds. -- Jawaharlal Nehru %% The art of acceptance is the art of making someone who has just done you a small favor wish that he might have done you a greater one. -- Russell Lynes %% The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. -- William James %% The art of government is the organization of idolatry. -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) %% The artist does not illustrate science (but) he frequently responds to the same interests that a scientist does. -- Lewis Mumford %% The artist in our time has two chief responsibilities: (1) art; and (2) sedition. -- Edward Abbey %% The artist isn't made by a haberdasher and a left-wing editorial. He's made by the explosive in him that bears the label, "Beware Uniformity." -- Ben Hecht (1894-?) %% The artist's job? To be a miracle worker: make the blind see, the dull feel, the dead to live.... -- Edward Abbey %% The artists must be sacrificed to their art. Like the bees, they must put their live into the sting they give. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) %% The ass is still an ass, e'en though he wears a lion's hide. -- William Shakespeare %% The astronauts in the Sea of Tranquility were amazed to discover that the moon actually did contain large underground deposits of cheese. Once outside the LEM, they climbed into the LTV and drove across the lunar surface to obtain samples. In one location they discovered a large deposit of brie and collected 25 pounds to bring back to earth. They drove to a second location and collected 50 pounds of camembert. In a third location they hit a vein of cheddar and collected another 50 pounds of samples. Mission Control crackled through their headsets that it would not be satisfied unless they brought back at least another 25 pounds of brie. The astronauts turned their LTV around and proceeded to the first location where they collected another 25 pounds of the cheese. The astronauts were almost back to the LEM when Mission Control radioed that it wanted another 25 pounds of brie. Disgruntled, one of the astronauts sarcastically snapped into his microphone, "Have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?" %% The athiest has no hope. -- J. F. Clarke %% The atom bomb is a paper tiger... Terrible to look at but not so strong as it seems. -- Mao Zedong %% The atom was not meant to be explored -- Its splitting was the work of brazen fools. Let's march until the Stone Age is restored, With rocks and flints our kind of splitting tools. Atomic Power? Seal it in its grave. We are Progressive. Onward to the cave! -- Jack Kirwan %% The atomic age is here to stay -- but are we? -- Bennett Cerf %% The attempt to tear down our president's leadership with the knowledge of the issues has not failed. -- Vice President George Bush %% The attention paid to an instructor is a constant regardless of the size of the class. Thus as class size swells, the amount of attention paid per student drops in direct ratio. -- Richard J. Herrnstein %% The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening, when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in- law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly, the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command. Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let me catch you wearing my things again." %% The author: an imaginary person who writes real books. -- Edward Abbey %% The avaricious man is like the barren sandy ground of the desert which sucks in all the rain and dew with greediness, but yields no fruitful herbs or plants for the benefit of others. -- Zeno %% The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. %% The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman -- any woman -- with beautiful legs. -- Marlene Dietrich %% The average person puts only 25% of his energy and ability into his work. The world takes off its hat to those who put in more than 50% of their capacity, and stands on its head for those few and far between souls who devote 100%. -- Andrew Carnegie (1835-1919) %% The average time between deleting a file and realizing you really need it, is about two days. %% The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is their father. -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) %% The avoidance of taxes is the only pursuit that still carries any reward. -- John Maynard Keyes %% The axe bounces harmlessly off the dragon's thick scales. %% The axe cleaves the air viciously but fails to cleave you. %% The axe crashes against the rock, throwing sparks. %% The axe gets you right in the side. Ouch! %% The axe hits your # and sends it spinning. %% The axe is too dull. %% The axe knocks your # out of your hand. It falls to the floor. %% The axe misses and lands near the bear where you can't get at it. %% The axe sweeps past you as you jump aside. %% The axiom of conditioned repetition, like the binomial theorem, is nothing but a piece of insolence. -- Edward Abbey %% The axletrees are taken from the wagon. %% The babe, with a cry brief and dismal, Fell into the water baptismal; Ere they'd gathered its plight, It had sunk out of sight, For the depth of the font was abysmal. -- Edward Gorey %% The baby's in the potato salad! %% The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs. %% The balloon descends. %% The balloon has landed. %% The balloon inflates as it fills with hot air. %% The balloon is inflated, and there is a # burning in the receptacle. %% The balloon is not tied to anything. %% The balloon is tied to the hook. %% The balloon leaves the ledge. %% The balloon slowly rises from the ground. %% The ballot is stronger than the bullet. -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) %% The balls of sight are so formed, that one man's eyes are spectacles to another, to read his heart from within. -- Johnson %% The bar is welded into your hand! %% The barium enema on the phone was within normal limits. %% The basic question is this: Why should *anything* exist? *Nothing* would be tidier. -- Edward Abbey %% The basic science is not physics or mathematics but biology--the study of life. We must learn to think both logically and bio-logically. -- Edward Abbey %% The basket is at the other end of the chain. %% The basket is lowered to the bottom of the shaft. %% The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" %% The beach has come to an abrupt end as it runs into a spur from the mountains overhead which extends outward into the surf. The only obvious direction to proceed is to the east, where the beach widens considerably. %% The beach here becomes wider, curving around the bay. Among the rocks at the foot of the cliffs here an opening may be espied. The beach continues to the southwest and east. %% The beach here stretches both to the west and to the east. At this point, the beach is fairly wide and is composed mostly of sand and small pebbles. The beach is bounded on the south by a high wall of cliffs from which an opening gapes. %% The beam is now interrupted by a # lying on the floor. %% The bear eagerly wolfs down your food, after which he seems to calm down considerably and even becomes rather friendly. %% The bear is confused; he only wants to be your friend. %% The bear is locked to the wall with a golden chain! %% The bear is still chained to the wall. %% The bear lumbers toward the troll, who lets out a startled shriek and scurries away. The bear soon gives up the pursuit and wanders back. %% The beautiful are never desolate, But someone always loves them. -- Bailey %% The beauty of America is that the average person always thinks he is above average. -- Sam Levenson %% The bed is split at the edge. Those who persevere are destroyed. Misfortune. %% The bed is split up to the skin. Misfortune. %% The bed is very wide and long, and is raised about two feet off the floor. Its surface is absolutely featureless, but it is extremely soft. There appear to be no blankets or sheets, nor is there any visible means for tucking them in. The edges of the bed blend smoothly into the yellow walls and floor, as if they were made of one piece of material. %% The beginning of eternity The end of time and space The beginning of every end The end of every race What am I? The letter 'E' %% The beginning of wisdom is the definition of terms. -- Socrates (470?-399 B.C.) %% The beginnings and the endings of all human undertakings are untidy. -- John Galsworthy (1867-1933) %% The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation or an organization to action is one of mankind's oldest beliefs. -- Andrew Hacker %% The bell has a pure sweet mellow sound, and is tuned to middle c. %% The best American writers have come from the hinterlands--Mark Twain, Theodore Dreiser, Jack London, Hemingway, Faulkner, Wolfe, Steinbeck. Most of them never even went to college. -- Edward Abbey %% The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service. %% The best argument for Christianity is the Gregorian chant. Listening to that music, one can believe anything--while the music lasts. -- Edward Abbey %% The best blood will at some time get into a fool or a mosquito. -- Austin O'Malley %% The best cure for the ills of democracy is more democracy. -- Edward Abbey %% The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. -- Scotty %% The best effect of the search for success is that it makes us re-create ourselves. %% The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by judging things by their price. %% The best gift of all: the presence of a happy family wrapped up in one another. %% The best investment you can make is hard work. %% The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. -- Blair %% The best laid plans of mice and men so often go astray. %% The best laid plans often go a fowl. -- Wile E. Coyote %% The best laid schemes o' mice an' men, Gang aft agley, And lea'e us nought by grief and pain, For promised joy. -- Burns %% The best laid schemes o' mice and men gang aft a-glay. %% The best length for television programs is either 30 seconds or 8 hours. %% The best man for the job is often a woman. %% The best may slip, and the most cautious fall; He's more than mortal that ne'er err'd at all. -- Pomfret %% The best mental effort in the game of business is concentrated on the major problem of securing the customer's dollar before the other fellow gets it. -- Stuart Chase (1888-?) %% The best of seers is he who guesses well. -- Euripides %% The best part of you dripped down your daddy's leg %% The best people, like the best wines, come from the hills. -- Edward Abbey %% The best portion of a good man's life, His little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love. -- Wordsworth %% The best programmers, designers, and architects are lazy. -- Dick Munroe %% The best prophet of the future is the past. %% The best rules to form a young man are, to talk little, to hear much, to reflect alone upon what has passed in company, to distrust one's own opinions, and value others that deserve it. -- Sir William Temple %% The best safety device on a car is a rear view mirror with a policeman in it. -- Gil Stern %% The best security against revolution is in constant correction of abuses and the introduction of needed improvements. It is the neglect of timely repair that makes rebuilding necessary. -- Richard Whately (1787-1863) %% The best simpleminded test of expertise in a particular area is an ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences in that area. -- Graham Allison %% The best sort of revenge is not to be like him who did the injury. -- Antoninus %% The best substitute for experience is being sixteen. %% The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom. -- Clarence S. Darrow (1857-1938) %% The best thing about graduating from the university was that I finally had time to sit on a log and read a good book. -- Edward Abbey %% The best thing about war is that it makes it all right to hate. -- Solomon Short %% The best things come when you aren't expecting them. %% The best things in life are chocolate. %% The best things in life are for a fee. %% The best time for marriage will be towards thirty, for as the younger times are unfit, either to choose or to govern a wife and family, so, if thou stay long, thou shalt hardly see the education of thy children, who, being left to strangers, are in effect lost; and better were it to be unborn than ill-bred; for thereby thy posterity shall either perish or remain a shame to thy name. -- Sir Walter Raleigh %% The best time to look for work is after you get the job. %% The best way I know of to win an argument is to start by being in the right. -- Lord Hailsham %% The best way out is always through. -- Robert Frost %% The best way out of a problem is through it. %% The best way to accelerate a Mac is at -9.8 m/s} %% The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities." %% The best way to be an organ donor is to buy a motorcycle and ride it without a helmet. The severe brain damage that follows results in slow death, and emergency services often arrive fast enough so that good, healthy organs can be taken. In fact, this is such a common method that people working in organ transplants refer to motorcycles as ``donorcycles.'' -- Jon Webb %% The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% The best way to convince a fool he is wrong is to let him have his own way. %% The best way to cope with change is to help bring it about. %% The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar. %% The best way to destroy your enemy is to make him your friend. -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) %% The best way to get and keep good people is to give them room to grow. %% The best way to get rid of unwanted flying insects is to have strong body odor. %% The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. %% The best way to get something done is to begin. %% The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant-- and let the air out of the tires. -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) %% The best way to keep friends is not to give them away. %% The best way to keep good acts in memory is to refresh them with new. -- Cato %% The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. %% The best way to make children good is to make them happy. -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) %% The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to smoke is a right worth dying for. %% The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it. -- Mark B. Cohen %% The best way to touch money is by the edges. %% The best way to win an argument is to be right. %% The best wine is the oldest, the best water the newest. %% The best you get is an even break. -- Franklin Adams %% The best-educated human being is the one who understands most about the life in which he is placed. -- Helen Keller %% The best-laid plans of mice and men ... are filed away somewhere. %% The better part of valor is discretion. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" %% The better part of valor is discretion; in the which better part I have saved my life. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" %% The big burly store manager blocks your way. %% The big difference between UNIX and VMS: To do anything on UNIX, you need to know an obscure command. To do anything on VMS, you need to know an obscure option to SET. -- Peter da Silva, peter@sugar.hackercorp.com %% The big guys always win. -- Jeffrey F. Chamberlain %% The big majority of Americans, who are comparatively well off, have developed an ability to have enclaves of people living in the greatest misery without almost noticing them. -- Gunnar Myrdal %% The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are hungry all the time? %% The bigger the man, the less likely he is to object to caricature. -- Guernsey Le Pelley %% The bigger they are, the harder they hit. %% The biggest Frequently Asked Question (FAQ) on the net: "Is this a FAQ?" %% The biggest difference between the psychiatrist and the patient is that the psychiatrist has learned how to live with it. -- Solomon Short %% The biggest mistake that you can make is to believe that you are working for somebody else. %% The biggest step you can take is the one you take when you meet the other person halfway. %% The biggest thing college prepares young people for is the knowledge of what it's like to be broke. -- Jim Fiebig %% The bird is frightened right now and you cannot catch it no matter what you try. Perhaps you might try later. %% The bird meets with misfortune through flying. %% The bird was unafraid when you entered, but as you approach it becomes disturbed and you cannot catch it. %% The bird's nest burns up. The wanderer laughs at first, Then must needs lament and weep. Through carelessness he loses his cow. Misfortune. %% The bitter part of discretion is valor. -- Henry W. Nevinson %% The black [words obscured by postmark] was fascinating - I must get a snap shot of him. -- H. P. Lovecraft, postcard to E. Hoffmann Price, 7/23/1934 %% The black cliffs are unscalable. %% The black man in this country has been sitting on the hot stove for nearly 400 years. And no matter how fast the brainwashers and the brainwashed think they are helping him advance, it's still too slow for the man whose behind is burning on that hot stove! -- Malcolm X %% The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches." %% The blind man looking in a mirror cannot see he has no eyes. So what? -- Solomon Short %% The blinded floating eye cannot defend itself. %% The blood of the martyrs is the seed of the church. -- Tertullian (180?-230?) %% The blow lands, making a shallow gash in the #'s arm. %% The blue button appears to be jammed. %% The blue stone is a star sapphire of immense rarity and beauty. The stone has been cut in a domed cavochon style to reveal the clarity and brilliance of the gem. %% The blush is nature's alarm at the approach of sin and her testimony to the dignity of virtue. -- Fuller %% The boat deflates. %% The boat has been pulled up against the rocky coast of Norst. A tower looms above you to the north. You can scramble up the rocky shore to the north, and the tower may be skirted to the northeast and southeast. %% The boat inflates and appears seaworthy. %% The boat must be on the ground to be inflated. %% The boat seems unwilling to move for you right now. %% The body is of wood, the head is of iron, and it has only one tooth. An axe %% The body is of wood, the shoe of iron, And he serves all those, living and dead. A spade %% The body of a huge green dead dragon is lying off to one side. %% The bolt can't be turned with your #. %% The bolt won't turn with your best effort. %% The book is open to page 569. %% The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow. %% The books that help you the most are those which make you think the most. -- Theodore Parker %% The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame. -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) %% The booming voice asks: %% The bosom can ache beneath diamond brooches; and many a blithe heart dances under coarse wool. -- Elias Root Beadle %% The boss may not always be right, but he's always the boss. -- Solomon Short %% The bottle hits the far wall and is decimated. %% The bottle is closed. %% The bottle is full. You must empty it before you put something else in. %% The bottle is made of the best shatterproof plastic. It can't be broken. %% The bottle is now full of water. %% The bottle of water is now empty. %% The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered. -- Sidney J. Hurtubise %% The box has no door! %% The box is imbedded in the wall. %% The box is made of shiny black ebony wood. The corners and edges are bound with thin strips of brass. On certain corners there are small sliding panels stained with various bright colors. On the top in the upper left is a green panel. On the bottom in the upper left is a yellow panel. On the top side in the upper left is an orange panel. On the bottom side in the lower right is a white panel. On the left side in the upper right is a red panel. On the right side in the lower left is a purple panel. In the center of the top of the box a faint outline of a compartment can be seen. %% The box is not open, chomper! %% The box is rusted and will not open. %% The box makes no audible sound but is clearly doing something. %% The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office. -- Robert Frost %% The brain of an American is full of wide open spaces %% The brain works from the moment of birth until you stand up to speak in public. %% The brave man is known only in war; the wise man in anger; the friend in time of need. %% The brazier consists of a brass tripod supporting a shallow pan beaten out of a sheet of brass. Inset in the brass is an intricate design showing a multitude of intertwined serpents. The brazier is extremely heavy, and it is fastened to the floor with large bolts. %% The bread and onions you ate this morning tasted better than any feast to a man who expects to eat again, and the sun through the grills overhead is brighter for you than for any man who expects to see it rise tomorrow. -- Pandarus the Gladiator %% The bread never falls but on its buttered side. %% The bread that you store up belongs to the hungry; the cloak that lies in your chest belongs to the naked; and the gold that you have hidden in the ground belongs to the poor. -- St. Basil (330?-379?) %% The broad mass of a nation... will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945), "Mein Kampf" %% The bronze door closes. %% The buck doesn't even slow down here! %% The buck stops here. And having stopped, moves on... %% The bucket rises and comes to a stop. %% The bug starts here. %% The bull wears himself out on the cape and never sees the sword. -- Dr. Randall Brooks %% The burden is equal to the horses strength. -- The Talmud %% The bus that left the stop just before you got there is your bus. -- John Corcoran %% The bus was overflowing. %% The business of America is business. -- Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933) %% The business of living is not to get ahead of others, but to get ahead of ourselves. %% The business of the New York journalist is to destroy the truth, to lie outright, to pervert, to vilify, to fawn at the feet of Mammon, and to sell his race and his country for his daily bread. -- John Swinton (1830-1901) %% The business that considers itself immune to the necessity for advertising sooner or later finds itself immune to business. -- Derby Brown %% The bustard's a remarkable fowl With surely no reason to growl He escapes what would be Illegitimacy By the grace of a fortunate vowel. %% The busy have no time for tears. -- Lord Byron %% The busy lawyer wanted an alert young woman to act as deceptionist. %% The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I? %% The butt of his stiletto cracks you on the skull, and you stagger back. %% The button becomes depressed. %% The button depresses with a slight click and pops back. %% The button is already depressed. %% The button is now on setting 'b'. %% The button pops back out. %% The button pops back to its original position. %% The cactus grows explosively, seemingly groping for the clouds above. %% The cactus is not big enough to climb. %% The cactus is not worth climbing. %% The cage is securely fastened to the iron chain. %% The cage shakes and is hurled across the room. %% The camel has a single hump; The dromedary two; Or else the other way around. I'm never sure. Are you? -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971) %% The camera cannot lie. But it can be an accessory to untruth. -- Harold Evans, "Pictures on a Page", 1978 %% The canary chirps blithely, if somewhat tinnily, for a short time. %% The canary chirps, slightly off key, an aria from a forgotten opera. From out of the greenery flies a lovely song bird. It perches on a limb just over your head and opens its beak to sing. As it does so, a beautiful brass bauble drops from its mouth, bounces off the top of your head, and lands glimmering in the grass. As the canary winds down, the song bird flies away. %% The candidate who is expected to do well because of experience and reputation (Douglas, Nixon) must do better than well, while the candidate expected to fare poorly (Lincoln, Kennedy) can put points on the media board by simply surviving. -- Vic Gold %% The candles are already lit. %% The canyon here becomes too tight to go further south. %% The canyon runs into a mass of boulders -- dead end. %% The capitalist can only make a whole people go to war -- want war, clamor for war as, again and again, we have seen whole peoples doing -- by capturing the popular will. The only prophylactic against that situation is to make the public aware of the way in which it is being misled. -- Sir Norman Angell (1872-1967) %% The car you are driving is invisible to other motorists. %% The careful text books measure - let all who build beware the load, the stress, the pressure material can bear. So when the buckling girder lets down the grinding span, The blame of loss, or murder is laid upon the man. Not on the stuff, the man. -- Rudyard Kipling %% The caribou love [the Alaska oil pipeline]. They run up against it, and they have babies. -- George Bush, 1988 and again "New York Times", 3 April 1989 %% The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. -- Herbert von Fritzlar %% The cart seems to be the main conveyance inside the mine. It has a two-person compartment with airtight lid and an air tank mounted in the back. Inside the cart there are four pedals. The dash of the cart has a number of switches with labels rotted off by the ages. %% The cat in gloves can do the pruning in the Rose Garden. -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac %% The cat is always on the wrong side of the door. -- Solomon Short %% The caustic waters destroy the layers of sediment that have built up on the sword. Fortunately, however, the sword itself is built of stronger stuff and is left unharmed. %% The cave is very windy at the moment, and your candles have blown out. %% The cell door is now closed. %% The censure of those who are opposed to us, is the highest commendation that can be given us. -- Seigneur de Saint-Evremond %% The chain is now unlocked. %% The chain of habit coils itself around the heart like a serpent, to gnaw and stifle it. -- Hazlitt %% The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) %% The chair ... was upholstered in one of those flagrant chintzes, designed, apparently, by the art editor of a seed catalog. -- Alexander Woollcott %% The challenge of space exploration and particularly of landing men on the moon represents the greatest challenge which has ever faced the human race. Even if there were no clear scientific or other arguments for proceeding with this task, the whole history of our civilization would still impel men toward the goal. In fact, the assembly of the scientific and military with these human arguments creates such an overwhelming case that in can be ignored only by those who are blind to the teachings of history, or who wish to suspend the development of civilization at its moment of greatest opportunity and drama. -- Sir Bernard Lovell, 1962, in "The History of Manned Space Flight" %% The challenge was to write a paragraph that read one way when punctuated one way, and read the complete opposite when punctuated another way. Dear President Clinton, Dear President Clinton, I would like to compliment you. I would like to compliment you. I can't stop thinking that you are I can't. Stop thinking that you are one of the best Presidents we have one of the best Presidents. We have had. So many leaders go ahead and had so many leaders. Go ahead and propose policies and then botch the propose policies and then botch the job. We expect it. From you, in job. We expect it from you. In years to come, I know we will get years to come, I know we will get better results. better results. %% The chameleon may change its color, but it is the chameleon still. -- William Shakespeare %% The character of every act depends on the circumstances in which it is done. The most stringent protection of free speech would not protect a man in falsely shouting fire in a theater and causing a panic. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. (1841-1935) %% The characteristic property of hallucinogens, to suspend the boundaries between the experiencing self and the outer world in an ecstatic, emotional experience, makes it possible with their help, and after suitable internal and external preparation...to evoke a mystical experience according to plan, so to speak... I see the true importance of LSD in the possibility of providing material aid to meditation aimed at the mystical experience of a deeper, comprehensive reality. Such a use accords entirely with the essence and working character of LSD as a sacred drug. -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD %% The chasm probably leads directly to the infernal regions. %% The cheapest, fastest, and most reliable components of a computer system are those that aren't there. -- "Programming Pearls", Communications of the ACM, Sep. 1985 %% The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate. At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundred seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !" Surprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay. Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE. %% The cheerful live longest in years, and afterwards in our regards. Cheerfulness is the off-shoot of goodness. -- Christian Nestell Bovee %% The chemist labors, weak and weary, Searching for a wonder-drug That will prove his favorite theory ... And that doesn't melt the jug. %% The cheque is not in the mail. You're never getting the cheque. %% The chest was a mimic! %% The chief cause of problems are solutions. -- Eric Sevareid %% The chief defect of a democracy is that only the political party out of office knows how to run the government. %% The chief pleasure (in eating) does not consist in costly seasoning, or exquisite flavor, but in yourself. Do you seek sauce by sweating? -- Horace (65-8 B.C.) %% The chief product of an automated society is a widespread and deepening sense of boredom. -- Cyril Parkinson %% The child is the father of the man. -- William Wordsworth %% The chimney is too narrow for you and all of your baggage. %% The choice is not self-sacrifice or domination. The choice is independence or dependence. The code of the creator or the code of the second-hander. This is the basic issue. It rests upon the alternative of life or death. The code of the creator is built on the needs of a reasoning mind which allows man to survive. The code of the second-hander is built on the needs of a mind incapable of survival. All that which proceeds from man's independent ego is good. All that which proceeds from man's dependence upon men is evil. -- Howard Roark %% The church is actually patronized by the social order as a means of stabilizing and perpetuating the existing system. -- C. C. Morrison %% The church is only a secular institution in which the half-educated speak to the half-converted. -- William Ralph Inge %% The church is the only place where someone speaks to me and I do not have to answer back. -- Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970) %% The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. -- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915) %% The cigarette smoke always drifts in the direction of the non-smoker regardless of the direction of the breeze. -- Raj K. Dhawan %% The circumstances of the modern world make nonsense of the pretensions to moral or intellectual granduer. -- Lewis Lapham %% The citizen is influenced by principle in direct proportion to his distance from the political situation. -- Milton Rakove %% The clear conception, outrunning the deductions of logic, the high purpose, the dauntless spirit, speaking on the tongue, beaming from the eye, informing every feature, and urging the whole man onward, right onward, to his object, this is eloquence, or rather it is something greater and higher than all eloquence--it is action noble, sublime, godlike action. -- Webster %% The cliff is too steep for climbing. %% The climate of the Sahara is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. %% The climax, when Josie engages, Is postponed for what seems to be ages. Out of self-preservation And to banish frustration She has three or four fellows--in stages. %% The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. -- Stanley J. Randall %% The cloth bag is draped over the side. %% The clothes you don't like are the most durable you have bought. -- Sydney J. Harris %% The coast was clear. -- Lope de Vega %% The coffin will not fit through this passage. %% The coldness here suggests that you put something warm on. %% The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness. -- Robert M. Hutchins %% The combined IQ of a committee is the sum of the IQs of the individuals, divided by the speed of light. %% The commercial prostitution of love is the last outcome of our whole social system, and its most clear condemnation. It flaunts in our streets, it hides itself in the garment of respectability under the name of matrimony, ... it is fed by the oppression and the ignorance of women, by their poverty and denied means of livelihood, and by the hypocritical puritanism which forbids them by millions not only to gratify but even to speak of their natural desires; and it is encouraged by the callousness of an age which has accustomed men to buy and sell for money every most precious thing -- even the life-long labor of their brothers, therefore why not also the very bodies of their sisters? -- Edward Carpenter (1844-1929) %% The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag. %% The communist, seeing the rich man and his fine home, says, "No man should have so much." The capitalist, seeing the same thing, says, "All men should have as much." -- Phelps Adams %% The compass is an antique instrument finely crafted out of iron and gold. It seems to be of the 16-point variety, displaying directions such as 'ENE' as well as the usual collection. %% The complexity of software is an essential property, not an accidental one. Hence, descriptions of a software entity that abstract away its complexity often abstract away its essence. -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr. %% The compromise will always be more expensive than either of the suggestions it is compromising. %% The computer center is empty, Silent except for the whine of the cooling fans. I walk the rows of CPUs, My skin prickling with magnetic flux. I open a door, cold and hard, And watch the lights dancing on the panels. A machine without soul, men call it, But its soul is the sweat of my comrades, Within it lie the years of our lives, Disappointment, friendship, sadness, joy, The algorithmic exultations, The long nights filled with thankless toil, I hear the echoes of sighs and laughter, And in the darkened offices The terminals shine like stars. -- The Zen of Programming %% The computer is a moron! %% The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces. %% The computer is to the information industry roughly what the central power station is to the electrical industry. -- Peter F. Drucker %% The computer will go down in 5 seconds! %% The computing field is always in need of new cliches. -- Alan J. Perlis %% The concept of using a # is certainly original. %% The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been defined several times by examples of what it is not. %% The conclusions of most good operations research studies are obvious. -- Robert E. Machol %% The confession of evil works is the first beginning of good works. -- St. Augustine %% The confidence of the business executive in a President is inversely related to the state of business. -- Mark Epernay %% The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best dangerous. -- Bjarne Stroustrup in "The C++ Programming Language" %% The conqueror is regarded with awe, the wise man commands our esteem, but it is the benevolent man who wins our affection. %% The consciousness of clean linen is in and of itself a source of moral strength only second to that of a clean conscience. A well-ironed collar, or a fresh glove, has carried many a man through the emergency in which a wrinkle or a rip would have defeated him. -- E. E. Phelps %% The conservative who resists change is as valuable as the radical who proposes it. -- Will and Ariel Durant %% The consolation of reading biography: Most great men have led lives even more miserable than our own. -- Edward Abbey %% The construction of FCD #3 took 112 days from ground breaking to the dedication. It required a work force of 384 slaves, 34 slave drivers, 12 engineers, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. The work was managed by a command team composed of 234 bureaucrats, 2347 secretaries (at least two of whom could type), 12,256 paper shufflers, 52,469 rubber stampers, 245,193 red tape processors, and nearly one million dead trees. We will now point out some of the more interesting features of FCD #3 as we conduct you on a guided tour of the facilities. 1) You start your tour here in the dam lobby. You will notice on your right that ........... %% The container is rather small, square, with a loosely hinged lid. It is made mostly of light cardboard, although it does appear fairly sturdy. The outside is painted a bright green, and there is a large black "V" embossed on one side. %% The contemplation of celestial things will make a man both speak and think more sublimely and magnificently when he descends to human affairs. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.) %% The contest for ages has been to rescue liberty from the grasp of executive power. -- Daniel Webster %% The contest has to be the dumbest thing I've ever seen. -- H. Cossell %% The contest was to predict the next, even nastier pitch for AT&T LD. A winner: "So I go to pick up Bobby from the daycare center and he's not there. I get home, the phone's ringing and it's them. The guy says, 'Lady, we've got your kid. Say something to mommy, Bob. (SCREAM). Please note, Mrs. Sanderson, the fiber-optic clarity of your son's ...'" -- From Advertising Age, January 7, 1991, p24 %% The contest was to predict the next, even nastier pitch for AT&T LD. Third Prize: I hear this crash and I find a rock, wrapped in paper, next to my living room window. I open up the note and it says, "You want it in writing? You got it. Next time, take the call. MCI. We know where you live." -- From Advertising Age, January 7, 1991, p24 %% The control of the production of wealth is the control of human life itself. -- Hilaire Belloc %% The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac. In truth, it's exhausting. -- Dom Bonafede %% The conversion of one species into another takes place by a leap. -- Trofim Lysenko (1898-1976) %% The conviction of wisdom is the plague of man. -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533-1592) %% The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about. -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love" %% The corridor continues north and south. %% The corridor continues south. %% The corridor lights up around you, then fades. %% The corruption in a country is in inverse proportion to its state of development. -- Nathan Miller %% The cost of any action increases in direct proportion to the number of approvals required to take it. %% The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! %% The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up! %% The cost of living has gone up, another buck a fifth. %% The could neither of 'em speak for rage and so fell a sputtering at one another like two roasting apples. -- Congreve %% The countenance may be rightly defined as the title page which heralds the contents of the human volume, but like other title pages, if sometimes puzzles, often misleads, and often says nothing to the purpose. -- William Matthews %% The country girl who became a city madam has obviously gone from rags to rigids. %% The country's honor must be upheld at home and abroad. -- Theodore Roosevelt %% The couple had just gone to bed for the night when the wife shook her husband awake. 'There's a burglar in the kitchen and he's eating the meatloaf we had for dinner.' He replied, 'Go back to sleep - I'll bury him in the morning.' %% The course of nature is the art of God. -- Edward Young %% The court hadn't seen in an age The king in so vicious a rage; For the queen, so she said, Went to read in her bed, Where the king found her stuck to a page. %% The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him. Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and ceremoniously handed it to the defendant. "Congratulations!" said the jurist. "You have just become a father!" %% The cow is of the bovine ilk; One end is moo, the other, milk. -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971) %% The coward threatens when he is safe. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832) %% The cowards never started -- and the weak died along the way. %% The crack is far too small for you to follow. %% The crash of the whole solar and stellar systems could only kill you once. -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881) %% The craving for power which characterizes the governing class in every nation is hostile to any limitation of the national sovereignty. -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) %% The cream rises to the top. So does the scum. %% The creditor whose appearance gladdens the the heart of a debtor, may hold his head in sunbeams and his foot on storms. -- Lavater %% The criterion of true beauty is, that it increases in examination; of false, that it lessens. There is something, therefore, in true beauty that corresponds with the right reason, and it is not merely the creature of fancy. -- Grenville %% The critical mass of any do-it-yourself explosive is never less than half a bucketful. -- Eric Frank Russell %% The critics say that Shostakovich's Fourth Symphony has no form. They are wrong; it has the form of Shostakovich's Fourth Symphony. -- Edward Abbey %% The crotch of a lady from Trenton Was too tight to make much of a dent on. The fellows who tried Spread the news far and wide That she made of a hard-un, a bent-un. %% The crowd went crazy as Tommy hit the stage. Little Sally got lost as the police bossed the crowd back in a rage. ... Sixteen stitches put her right and her dad said, 'Don't say I didn't warn ya!' Sally got married to a rock musician she met in California. -- The Who %% The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlaying correspondence and go to file. -- Charles P. Boyle %% The cruelest of creatures' the crab With claws that can pinch you or stab, And then when you dine On crab and white wine It gets you as well with the tab. %% The cruelest thing that has happened to Lincoln since he was shot by Booth was to fall into the hands of Sandburg. -- Edmund Wilson %% The crusades ended several centuries ago after killing thousands of people. The most important issues arouse intense passions. Earmuffs to block the shouting are inappropriate, but filter the feedback. Joining a cause and leading a constituency are not mutually exclusive, but neither are they necessarily synonymous. Neither welfare no profits are "obscene". -- Pierre S. du Pont %% The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny... In war, then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. -- William Ellery Channing (1780-1842) %% The crypt is already closed. %% The crystal ball computer interface: 1) Ideal for virtual memory implementation. No more "swap out the least recently used page". Instead let the crystal ball tell the operating system which page is not going to be used within the next X minutes, and the system can then swap that page out. . 2) Improved shutdown facility. Let the system perform an orderly shutdown 2 minutes before a power failure or system crash. . 3) Improved backup. The backup utility need only copy the files that you are actually going to need again. . 4) Write-ahead. Not just type-ahead. Let the computer perform the next write statement before it is actually executed. . 5) Improved SCCS / RCS: Let your source control system keep track not only of past versions of your source code, but also of future versions. Saves a lot of work. %% The crystal bridge has vanished! %% The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. %% The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. -- Ellen Parr %% The cure for capitalism's failing would require that a government would have to rise above the interests of one class alone. -- Robert L. Heilbroner %% The curse begins to take its toll: Your bones ache, you've taken on 20 years in the last 5 minutes, and your hair is turning grey! %% The curse has been lifted, and just in time! %% The curtain dims slightly as the # passes through. %% The curtain is of such fullness That the polestars can be seen at noon. He meets his ruler, who is of like kind. Good fortune. %% The curtain is of such fullness That the polestars can be seen at noon. Through going one meets with mistrust and hate. If one rouses him through truth, Good fortune comes. %% The cyclops appears to be getting more agitated. %% The cyclops breaks your leg with a staggering blow. %% The cyclops breaks your neck with a massive smash. %% The cyclops chops at you with the side of his hand and connects, but not solidly. %% The cyclops decks you. In fact, you are dead. %% The cyclops doesn't look like he'll let you pass. %% The cyclops gets a good grip and breaks your arm. %% The cyclops grabs but you twist free, leaving part of your cloak. %% The cyclops grabs you and almost strangles you before you wiggle free, breathless. %% The cyclops grabs you by the arm, and you drop your #. %% The cyclops grabs your #, tastes it, and throws it to the ground in disgust. %% The cyclops has just essentially ripped you to shreds. %% The cyclops ignores all injuries to his body with a shrug. %% The cyclops is apparently not thirsty at the moment and refuses your generous gesture. %% The cyclops is moving about the room, looking for something. %% The cyclops is moving toward you in an unfriendly manner. %% The cyclops is not so stupid as to eat that! %% The cyclops is rather heavy and doesn't take kindly to being grabbed. %% The cyclops is so excited by his success that he neglects to kill you. %% The cyclops is standing in the corner, eyeing you closely. I don't think he likes you very much. He looks extremely hungry, even for a cyclops. %% The cyclops kicks your # out of your hand. %% The cyclops knocks the wind out of you with a quick punch. %% The cyclops knocks you silly, and you reel back. %% The cyclops knocks you unconscious. %% The cyclops lands a punch that knocks the wind out of you. %% The cyclops looks tired and quickly falls fast asleep (what did you put in that drink, anyway?). %% The cyclops may be hungry, but there is a limit. %% The cyclops misses, but the backwash almost knocks you over. %% The cyclops raises his arms and crushes your skull. %% The cyclops rushes you but runs into the wall. %% The cyclops says, "Mmm mmm! I love hot peppers! But oh, could I use a drink. Perhaps I could drink the blood of that thing." From the gleam in his eye, it could be surmised that you are 'that thing'. %% The cyclops seems somewhat agitated. %% The cyclops seems unable to decide whether to broil or stew his dinner. %% The cyclops sends you crashing to the floor, unconscious. %% The cyclops smashes his huge fist into your chest, breaking several ribs. %% The cyclops trips over his feet trying to get at you. %% The cyclops unleashes a roundhouse punch, but you have time to dodge. %% The cyclops was looking for salt and pepper. I think he is gathering condiments for his upcoming snack. %% The cyclops yawns and stares at the thing that woke him. %% The cyclops, having eaten the hot peppers, appears to be gasping. His enflamed tongue protrudes from his man-sized mouth. %% The cyclops, hearing the name of his deadly nemesis, flees the room by knocking down the wall on the north size of the room. %% The cyclops, momentarily overcome by remorse, holds back. %% The cyclops, no sportsman, dispatches his unconscious victim. %% The cyclops, perhaps affected by a drug in your drink, is sleeping blissfully at the foot of the stairs. %% The cyclops, tired of all your games and trickery, eats you. The cyclops says, "Mmm mmm! Just like mom used to make 'em." %% The cynic who doesn't believe in anything still wants you to believe him. %% The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) %% The daily press and the telegraph which in a moment spreads inventions over the whole world, fabricate more myths ... in a day than could have formerly been done in a century. -- Karl Marx (1818-1883) %% The dam blocks your way. %% The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern. -- Lord Acton (1834-1902) %% The danger of the past was that men became slaves. The danger of the future is that men may become robots. True enough, robots do not rebel. But given man's nature, robots cannot live and remain sane. -- Erich Fromm (1900-1980) %% The day of judgement has come. You've finished in sixth place. %% The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) %% The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. %% The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. %% The days of Chivalry are dead, Of which in stories I have read, When knights were bold and acted kind of scrappy; They used to take a lot of pains And fight all day to please the Janes, And if their dame was tickled they was happy. But now the men are mild and meek: They seem to have a yellow streak: They never lay for other guys, to flatten 'em: They think they've done a darned fine thing If they just buy the girl a ring Of imitation diamonds and platinum. -- P. G. Wodehouse %% The death of democracy is not likely to be an assassination from ambush. It will be a slow extinction from apathy, indifference, and undernourishment. -- Robert Hutchins, "Great Books" 1954 %% The death penalty would be even more effective, as a deterrent, if we executed a few innocent people more often. -- Edward Abbey %% The death rate on Earth is: One per person. %% The deceased adventurer's useless lantern is here. %% The decent moderation of today will be the least human of things tomorrow. At the time of the Spanish Inquisition, the opinion of good sense and of the good medium was certainly that people ought not to burn too large a number of heretics; extreme and unreasonable opinion obviously demanded that they burn none at all. -- Maurice Maeterlinck %% The deed of greatness has been done He waits impatiently for praise to be sung listening intensely for the trumpets blare searching for the crashing fanfare but the greatness of the deed lies still woe be it but for the heartless and unknowing he would ride in glory Oh, how they undermine the achievements, The greatness. if only They could see the wonders of The feat in his mind He thinks not of the callous world outside that calls his exploits ordinary but only of the emptiness within that noone will fill He grieves for the tragic world ungifted with his clear vision bitter with resentment of his failure to find a follower for a hopeless cause. CAD, RMR 7/22/85 %% The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. -- William James %% The defense screens are now turned off. %% The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs. -- Charles P. Boyle %% The deficit will be virtually eliminated by 1995. -- President George Bush, February 1991. A year later, his people estimated the deficit for fiscal 1992 at $399 billion. %% The defining function of the artist is to cherish consciousness. -- Max Eastman (1883-1969) %% The degree of a country's development is measured by the ratio of the price of an automobile to that of the cost of a haircut. The lower the ratio, the higher the degree of development. -- Professor Charles P. Issawi %% The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons. -- F. Dostoyevski %% The degree of failure is in direct proportion to the effort expended and to the need for success. %% The degree of one's emotion varies inversely with one's knowledge of the facts --the less you know the hotter you get. -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967) %% The degree of technical confidence is inversely proportional to the level of management. %% The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots. -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) %% The demon of intemperance ever seems to have delighted in sucking the blood of genius and generosity. -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) %% The demonstrably true statements of the sciences which, especially in recent times, have the uncomfortable inclination never to stay put, although, at any given moment they are, and must be, valid for all. -- Hannah Arendt %% The dense foliage bars your way. %% The dentist said my wisdom teeth were retarded. %% The descent to Hades is the same from every place. -- Anaxagoras %% The desire for modeling a prototype is inversely proportional to the decline of the prototype. %% The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event. %% The desire of a man for a woman is not directed at her because she is a human being, but because she is a woman. That she is a human being is of no concern to him. -- Immanuel Kant %% The desire of knowledge, like the thirst of riches, increases ever with the acquisition of it. -- Sterne %% The desire of power in excess caused angels to fall; the desire of knowledge in excess caused man to fall; but in charity is no excess, neither can man or angels come into danger by it. -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626) %% The desire to impose upon the disorder of nature some orderly pattern or arrangement makes men into poets, painters and gardeners; it also makes them prey to the illusion that a highly organized state will be civilized and preferable to a disorganized and muddled one. -- Len Deighton (1929-) %% The desk is made of a large chunk of heavy dark wood, roughly carved. No attempt was made to beautify its extreme ruggedness. A sole vestige of grace was made in the form of a single small drawer, which peers out from under the thick top directly in the center. %% The desk is made of finest particle board. Manufacturer's suggested selling price (west coast) $3.21. %% The developers and entrepreneurs must somehow be taught a new vocabulary of values. -- Edward Abbey %% The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" %% The devil could change. He was once an angel and may be evolving still. %% The devil does not stay where the music is. %% The devil hath power To assume a pleasing shape. -- William Shakespeare %% The devil is a gentleman who never goes where he is not welcome. %% The devil is easy to identify. He appears when you're terribly tired and makes a very reasonable request which you know you shouldn't grant. %% The devil is making his pitch. %% The devil knew not what he did when he made man politic. -- William Shakespeare %% The devil would be the best way out as an excuse for God ... But even so, one can hold God responsible for the existence of the Devil. %% The dew of compassion is a tear. -- Lord Byron %% The dial face contains only numbers. %% The dial now points to "#". %% The dial spins and comes to a stop pointing at "#". %% The dictatorship of the Communist Party is maintained by recourse to every form of violence. -- Leon Trotsky, "Terrorism and Communism", 1924 %% The dictatorship of the proletariat is nothing else than power based upon force and limited by nothing -- by no law and by absolutely no rule. -- V. I. Lenin (1870-1924) %% The die is cast. -- Gaius Julius Caesar (100-44 B.C.) %% The difference between Heaven and Hell: Heaven: Hell: English are the cops English are the cooks French are the cooks French are the mechanics Germans are the mechanics Germans are the cops Italians are the lovers Swiss are the lovers Russians are the poets Russians are the inventors Americans are the inventors Americans are the poets South Africans supply raw materials South Africans take care of human rights Tahitias take care of human rights Tahitians supply raw materials its all organized by the Swiss its all organized by the Italians. %% The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt has culture. %% The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% The difference between a career and a job is twenty or more hours a week. %% The difference between a chef and a cook seems to be in who cleans up the kitchen. -- Paul Sweeney %% The difference between a child and a hacker is the amount he flames about his toys. -- Ed Schwalenberg %% The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days. %% The difference between a lawyer and a rooster, is that the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance. %% The difference between a moral man and a man of honour is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. %% The difference between a rich man and a poor man is this -- the former eats when he pleases, the latter when he can get it. -- Sir Walter Raleigh %% The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. %% The difference between a successful career and a mediocre one sometimes consists of leaving about four or five things a day unsaid. %% The difference between an inside straight and a blamed fool is callin' the last bet! -- B. Maverick %% The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is thinking everyone is out to get you. Paranoia is thinking that they're conspiring. -- J. Kegler %% The difference between failure and success is doing a thing nearly right and doing a thing exactly right. -- Edward Simmons %% The difference between legal separation and divorce is that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money. %% The difference between like and love is the same as the difference between a spit and a swallow. %% The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't. %% The difference between philosophy and religion: If you have an argument over philosophy, you get red in the face. Over theology you throw bombs. %% The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. -- Gloria Leonard %% The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning, while those other subjects merely require scholarship. -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love" %% The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% The difference between this place and yogurt is that yogurt has a live culture. %% The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. %% The difference between us is not very far, cruising for burgers in daddy's new car. %% The difference between women and girls is as much as twenty years in some states. %% The difference is that Reagan had principles and beliefs. [Bush] has no rudder. -- A senior GOP strategist, 1990 %% The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. %% The difficulty of finding any given trail marker is directly proportional to the importance of the consequences of failing to find it. -- Milt Barber %% The difficulty of getting anything started increases with the square of the of the number of people involved. -- Jim MacGregor %% The difficulty of the coordination task often blinds one to the fact that a fully coordinated piece of paper is not supposed to be either the major or the final product of the organization, but it often turns out that way. -- Amrom Katz %% The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don't; whichever seems likelier to win an effect. -- John Updike %% The diminutive chains of habit are seldom heavy enough to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) %% The direction in which education starts a man will determine his future life. -- Plato (428-348? B.C.), The Republic %% The disappearance of a sense of responsibility is the most far-reaching consequence of submission to authority. -- Stanley Milgram %% The discerning person is always at a disadvantage. %% The discipline of desire is the background of character. -- John Locke (1632-1704) %% The disks are getting full; purge a file today. %% The distance between the ticket counter and you plane is directly proportional to the weight of what you are carrying and inversely proportional to the time remaining before takeoff. -- Gary Witzenburg %% The distance from the gate from which you flight departs is inversely proportionate to the time remaining before the scheduled departure of the flight. -- Edward S. Mills %% The distance you have to park from your apartment increases in proportion to the weight of the packages you are carrying. %% The distinction between the hit-and-run and the run-and-hit is an invention of Joe Garagiola. -- Pirates broadcaster John Sanders %% The distinction between true and false appears to become increasingly blurred by ... the pollution of the language. -- Arne Tiselius %% The distinctions separating the social classes are false; in the last analysis they rest on force. -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) %% The distrust of wit is the beginning of tyranny. -- Edward Abbey %% The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. -- John Adams (1735-1826) %% The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early & stay away from women." "Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient. "What's next best?" %% The doctor hoped to save for science An abnormal baby, bred Of who knows what mad misalliance ... Too late. One head's already dead. %% The doctor says you're terminally stupid. %% The doctor walked into the patient's room and said 'I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. First the bad news - we have to amputate both of you legs. Now the good news - the patient two beds over wants to buy your slippers. %% The doctrine of the material efficacy of prayer reduces the Creator to a cosmic bellhop of a not very bright or reliable kind. %% The doctrine that the earth is neither the center of the universe nor immovable, but moves even with a daily rotation, is absurd, and both philosophically and theologically false, and at the least an error of faith. -- Roman Congregation decision against Galileo To command the professors of astronomy to confute their own observations is to enjoin an impossibility, for it is to command them not to see what they do see, and not to understand what they do understand, and to find what they do not discover. -- Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) %% The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. %% The dog ate my .REP packet. %% The dog was created especially for children. He is the god of frolic. -- Henry Ward Beecher %% The dog's life is a good life, for a dog. -- Edward Abbey %% The dog named after the potato must die %% The doing evil to avoid an evil cannot be good. -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge %% The dome is unclimbable. %% The door cannot be opened. %% The door closes forever. %% The door crashes shut, and you hear someone barring it. %% The door is actually a mimic. %% The door is extremely rusty and refuses to open. %% The door is invulnerable. %% The door is locked from above. %% The door is locked! %% The door is locked, and there is evidently no key. %% The door is made of the finest hardwoods, reinforced with fiberglass and polyester. It resists your futile attempts to break it. %% The door is nailed shut. %% The door is securely fastened. %% The door is still under warranty. %% The door is the key. %% The door of the crypt is extremely heavy, but it opens easily. %% The door opens. %% The door reluctantly opens to reveal a rickety staircase descending into darkness. %% The door swings shut and closes. %% The door to success is labeled PUSH. %% The door to the room seems to be blocked by sticky orange rubble from an explosion. Probably some careless adventurer was playing with blasting cakes. %% The door to the safe has no keyhole, dial, or handle -- there's no way to open it! %% The door won't budge. %% The doors of heaven and hell are adjacent and identical. -- Nikos Kazantzakis %% The dossier is not the person. -- Dr. John Gall %% The draft that blows out a match makes a furnace burn better, and what prostrates a coward excites a brave man to action. %% The dragon consumes all of the soup, and hands back the empty bowl, saying "That was delicious!!! You must remember to give me the recipe someday." he then gets up and flies away, in search of the cauldron. %% The dragon is sprawled out on a Persian rug!! %% The dragon is very annoyed by your attempts to kill him, and decides to do something about it. He exhales a strong blast of fire, and burns you to a crisp. %% The dragon looks rather nasty. You'd best not try to get by. %% The dragon puts up a good fight, but you finally manage to find a vulnerable spot. He dies in a fit of agony. %% The dragon takes a sip of the soup. He then pours it out, saying "I do not like cold soup!" %% The dreadful burden of having nothing to do. %% The dream begins most of the time with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you on to the next plateau, sometimes even poking you with a sharp stick called truth. -- Dan Rather %% The drive-in bank was established so that the real owner of a car could get to see it once in a while %% The drunker I sit here, The longer I get. %% The duchess of Whiteside cried, "Rape!" When she found in her bedroom an ape. The ape said, "You ass! Go look in the glass," And left by the fire escape. %% The dungeon is ALWAYS open (always room for one more). %% The dungeon master catches up with you. %% The dungeon master follows you. %% The dungeon master is quietly leaning on his staff here. %% The dungeon master is taken momentarily by surprise. He dodges your blow and then, with a disappointed expression on his face, he raises his staff and traces a complicated pattern in the air. As it completes you crumble into dust. %% The dungeon master says, "Excellent." %% The dungeon master says, "I will follow." %% The dungeon master says, "I will stay." %% The dungeon master says, "You are wrong. You have one more chance." %% The dungeon master says, "You are wrong." The dungeon master, obviously disappointed in your lack of knowledge, shakes his head and mumbles, "I guess they'll let anyone in the Dungeon these days." With that, he departs. %% The dungeon master, obviously pleased, says, "You are indeed a master of lore. I am proud to be at your service." The massive wooden door swings open, and the master motions for you to enter. %% The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance of the woman. -- Honore de Balzac, "The Physiology of Marriage", 1829 %% The duty of the people is to tend to their affairs. The duty of government is to help them do it. This is the pasta of politics. The inspired leader, the true prince, no matter how great, can only be sauce upon the pasta. -- Italo Bombolini %% The dwarves' knives vanish as they strike the walls of the cave. %% The dynamo of our economic system is self-interest which may range from mere petty greed to admirable types of self-expression. -- Felix Frankfurter %% The eagle never lost so much time, as when he submitted to learn of the crow. %% The early bird catches the worm as a rule, but the guy who comes along later may be having lobster Neuburg and crepes suzette. -- Charles Merrill Smith %% The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. %% The early bird gets the early worm. %% The early morning has gold in its mouth. -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) %% The early sun is gold in the mouth. %% The early worm gets eaten by a bird. %% The early worm gets the late bird. %% The early worm has a death wish. %% The earlyts. -- Sheridan %% The earth above the lake: The image of Approach. Thus the superior man is inexhaustible In his will to teach, And without limits In his tolerance and protection of the people. %% The earth is real. Only a fool, milking his cow, denies the cow's reality. -- Edward Abbey %% The earth's condition is receptive devotion. Thus the superior man who has breadth of character Carries the outer world. %% The earth, that's nature's mother, is her tomb. -- William Shakespeare %% The earthmen dump their cola-bottles, Cans and packs and empty jars, At random... so the aesthete throttles Those who made the mess on Mars. %% The easiest machine applications are the technical/scientific computations. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra %% The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. -- Jack Rosenbaum %% The easiest way to keep a secret is not knowing what it is. -- Franklin P. Jones %% The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow from them %% The editorials went on speaking of self-denial as the road to future progress, of self-sacrifice as the moral imperative, of greed as the enemy, of love as the solution -- their threadbare phrases as sickeningly sweet as the odor of ether in a hospital. %% The education of a man is never completed until he dies. -- Robert E. Lee (1807-1870) %% The effective limitation of power is the most important problem of social order. -- Friedrich A. Hayek %% The effectiveness of a politician varies in inverse proportion to his commitment to principle. -- Sam Shaffer %% The efficiency of a committee meeting is inversely proportional to the number of participants and the time spent on deliberations. %% The effort expended by the bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error. -- John Nies %% The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time. %% The egg falls to the ground and is seriously damaged. %% The egg in the hotel, about to be cooked, was picked up by a priest on his way to a monastery, out of the frying pan into the friar. %% The egg is already open. %% The egg is now open, but the clumsiness of your attempt has seriously diminished its esthetic appeal. %% The egoist in the absolute sense is not the man who sacrifices others. He is the man who stands above the need of using others in any manner. He does not function through them. He is not concerned with them in any primary matter. Not in his aim, not in his motive, not in his thinking, not in his desires, not in the source of his energy. He does not exist for any other man -- and he asks no other man to exist for him. This is the only form of brotherhood and mutual respect possible between men. -- Howard Roark %% The election is this: the Great Communicator against the Great Depressor... We are going for the gold! -- Vice President George Bush, 1984 %% The elevator vanishes %% The employer puts his money into ... business and the workman his life. The one has as much right as the other to regulate that business. -- Clarence S. Darrow (1857-1938) %% The emptiness of a ghost is too heavy to bear. %% The empty vessel makes the greatest sound. -- William Shakespeare %% The end for the # as your knife severs his jugular. %% The end is only the beginning of something else. The beginning is only the end of the thing before it. %% The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. -- Richard Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983) %% The end of labor is to gain leisure. %% The end of man is an action, and not a thought, though it were the noblest. -- Carlyle %% The ends justify the means. -- after Matthew Prior %% The energy required to change either one of two states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task impossible. -- David Gerrold %% The engravings translate to, "This space intentionally left blank". %% The engravings were incised in the living rock of the cave wall by an unknown hand. They depict, in symbolic form, the beliefs of the ancient peoples of Zork. Skillfully interwoven with the bas reliefs are excerpts illustrating the major tenets expounded by the sacred texts of the religion of that time. Unfortunately, a later age seems to have considered them blasphemous and just as skillfully excised them. %% The erosion problem in N.Y is getting worse. Today the stock market dropped three feet. %% The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system will serve as the key to understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle. -- Tom Gibb %% The essence of intelligence is skill in extracting meaning from everyday experience. %% The essence of life is taking over. %% The essential ideas of Algol 68 were that the whole language should be precisely defined and that all the pieces should fit together smoothly. The basic idea behind Pascal was that it didn't matter how vague the language specification was (it took *years* to clarify) or how many rough edges there were, as long as the CDC Pascal compiler was fast. -- Richard A. O'Keefe %% The eternal feminine draws us upward. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832) %% The ever-rising cost of living: Someday soon, the corporate technicians will be locking meters on our noses and charging us a royalty on the air we breathe. -- Edward Abbey %% The evidence of the emotions, save in cases where it has strong objective support, is really no evidence at all, for every recognizable emotion has its opposite, and if one points one way then another points the other way. Thus the familiar argument that there is an instinctive desire for immortality, and that this desire proves it to be a fact, becomes puerile when it is recalled that there is also a powerful and widespread fear of annihilation, and that this fear, on the same principle proves that there is nothing beyond the grave. Such childish "proofs" are typically theological, and they remain theological even when they are adduced by men who like to flatter themselves by believing that they are scientific gents.... -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) %% The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interr'd with their bones. -- William Shakespeare %% The evil you teach us, we will execute, and it shall go hard but we will better the instruction. -- William Shakespeare %% The evolution of the human race will not be accomplished in the ten thousand years of tame animals, but in the million years of wild animals, because man is and will always be a wild animal. -- Charles Galton Darwin (1809-1882) %% The exact center of the room is occupied by a large red table. %% The excesses of our youth are drafts upon our old age, payable with interest, about thirty years after date. -- Colton %% The excessively gaudy crown of Lord Dimwit Flathead is here. %% The existence of god implies a violation of causality. %% The expanding universe postulate states that the older you are, the faster you are moving relative to everyone else in the universe. This, coupled with Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity explains why older people shrink, slow down, and gain weight. %% The expenditure of funds is critical -- engineers and scientists should not be permitted to authorize any purchase. -- Richard F. Moore %% The expert judgement of an institution, when the matters involve continuation of the institution's operations, is totally predictable, and hence the finding is totally worthless. -- Robert N. Kharasch %% The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be correct. %% The extreme monotony of your life will cause you to hallucinate. %% The eye sees not itself but by reflection, by some other things. -- William Shakespeare %% The eyes of Texas are upon you, All the livelong day; The eyes of Texas are upon you, You cannot get away; Do not think you can escape them From night 'til early in the morn; The eyes of Texas are upon you 'Til Gabriel blows his horn. -- Univ. of Texas's school song %% The eyes of taxes are upon you. %% The eyes of the emperor are everywhere. -- Brodrig %% The fact is, squire, the moment a man takes to a good pipe, he becomes a philosopher; it's the poor man's friend; it calms the mind, soothes the temper, and makes a man patient under troubles; it has made more good men good husbands, kind masters, indulgent fathers and honest fellows, than any other thing on this universal world. -- Richard Haliburton %% The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion. -- Saul Alinsky %% The fact, in short, is that freedom, to be meaningful in an organized society, must consist of an amalgam of hierarchy of freedoms and restraints. -- Samuel Hendel %% The faculty expands its activity to fit whatever space is available, so that more space is always required. -- Thomas L. Martin %% The faith in which I was brought up assured me that I was better than other people: I was saved, they were damned ... Our hymns were loaded with arrogance--self-congratulation on how cozy we were with the Almighty and what a high opinion he had of us, what hell everybody else would catch come judgement day. -- Robert A. Heinlein %% The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the reason for of his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting, madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore." "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it." "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that." -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" %% The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. %% The fantastic advances in the field of communication constitute a greater danger to the privacy of the individual. -- Earl Warren %% The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" %% The faster the plane, the narrower the seats. -- John H. Durrell %% The fatal blow strikes the # square in the heart: he dies. %% The fatal thrust strikes the # square in the heart. %% The fate of nations is intimately bound up with their powers of reproduction. All nations and all empires first felt decadence gnawing at them when their birth rate fell off. -- Benito Mussolini (1883-1945) %% The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, "Whaddaya want?" "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch." %% The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on edge. -- Ezekiel, 17:2 %% The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves that we are underlings. -- William Shakespeare %% The fawning, sneaking, and flattering hypocrite, that will do, or be anything, for his own advantage. -- Stillingfleet %% The fear of capitalism has compelled socialism to widen freedom, and the fear of socialism has compelled capitalism to increase equality. -- Will and Ariel Durant %% The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. -- Edward Abbey %% The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. -- Proverbs 1:7 %% The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is, rather, born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. -- Eric Hoffer %% The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged, I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural for them to despise science fiction. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. [Science Fiction] %% The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you. -- Kin Hubbard %% The feminist notion that the whole of human history has been nothing but a vast intricate conspiracy by men to enslave their wives, mothers, daughters, and sisters presents us with an intellectual neurosis for which we do not yet have a name. -- Edward Abbey %% The feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. -- Edward Abbey %% The fewer clear facts you have in support of an opinion, the stronger your emotional attachment to that opinion. -- Anonymous %% The fewer functions any device is required to perform, the more perfectly it can perform those functions. %% The fewer our wants, the nearer we resemble the gods. -- Socrates (470?-399 B.C.) %% The fewer the words, the better the prayer. -- Martin Luther %% The fields were fruitful, and starving men moved on the roads. The granaries were full and the children of the poor grew up rachitic, and the pustules of pellagra swelled on their side. The great companies did not know that the line between hunger and anger is a thin line. -- John Steinbeck (1902-1968) "The Grapes of Wrath" %% The final answer will exceed the magnitude or precision or both of the calculator. %% The final lesson of Viet Nam is that no great nation can long afford to be sundered by a memory. -- George Bush, 1989 Inaugural Address %% The finding of threats to security by a security office is totally predictable, and hence the finding is totally worthless. -- Robert N. Kharasch %% The finest clothes turn to rags. Be careful all day long. %% The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. %% The firmest friendships have been formed in mutual adversity, as iron is most strongly welded by the fiercest fire. %% The first and last rounds are on you. %% The first and worst of all frauds is to cheat oneself. All sin is easy after that. -- Baily %% The first blonde is the cheapest. %% The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley Came to light with its face in its belly; Her second was born With a hump and a horn, And her third was as shapeless as jelly. -- Edward Gorey %% The first civilian on the Shuttle used to be an English teacher; now she is history. %% The first creation of God in the works of the days was the light of the sense, the last was the light of the reason; and his Sabbath work ever since is the illumination of the spirit. -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626) %% The first cup of coffee recapitulates phylogeny %% The first draught a man drinks ought to be for thirst, the second for nourishment, the third for pleasure, the fourth for madness. %% The first example of permanent press was an Egyptian mummy. -- Shelby Friedman %% The first example of superior principle is always inferior to the developed example of inferior principle. %% The first gift of maturity is the ability to look a child straight in the eye. -- John Francis Putnam (1964) %% The first golf balls were made out of small leather bags stuffed with feathers. %% The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head. Understand? -- Joey Glimco %% The first half of our lives are ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. -- Clarence S. Darrow (1857-1938) %% The first idea that the child must acquire, in order to be actively disciplined, is that of the difference between good and evil; and the task of the educator lies in seeing that the child does not confuse good with immobility, and evil with activity. %% The first impression one gets of a new ruler and his brains is from seeing the men he has chosen to have around him. %% The first ingredient in conversation is truth, the next, good sense, the third, good humor, and the fourth, wit. -- Sir William Temple %% The first lubricant for wheels was caster oil. %% The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote : The first mate was drunk today. He begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the captain argued that once an entry was made in the company's log it couldn't be deleted. The first mate decided to get even. The next time it when it was the first mate's turn to write in the log, he wrote : The captain was sober today. %% The first panacea for a mismanaged nation is inflation of the currency; the second is war. Both bring a temporary prosperity; both bring a permanent ruin. But both are the refuge of political and economic opportunists. -- Ernest Hemingway (1898-1961) %% The first person to say talk is cheap was probably not a psychoanalyst. -- Franklin P. Jones %% The first person to say you can't take it with you was undoubtably with the Internal Revenue Service. %% The first principle is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool. -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988), "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!" %% The first requisite for immortality is death. -- Stanislaw Lem %% The first requisite of a good citizen in this republic of ours is that he should be able and willing to pull his own weight. -- Theodore Roosevelt %% The first sample is always the best. -- William K. Wright %% The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important. -- Milo Bloom %% The first step in fixing a broken program is getting it to fail repeatedly. -- "Programming Pearls", Communications of the ACM, Sep. 1985 %% The first step to knowledge is to know that we are ignorant. -- Cecil %% The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. -- D. Parker %% The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity. %% The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV %% The first thing you learn as a life insurance salesman is never refer to premiums as the layaway plan. %% The first time I saw her face I realized the Romans were all wrong about Venus. It was day one, in Philosophy 101, when all the guys were drawing a bead on the babe situation. I was a freshman in college, when girls were Africa and I was Stanley; and any thoughts of following Dr. Willoughby's syllogisms were lost when I saw that face, the face of Rafaella Consuelo Portifino de Platta, niece of the Duchess of Alba, and heir to a dozen titles, blue-blooded and ravishing. After class, as she strode through the foyer, it was clear she carried herself superbly and that she didn't give a damn about you so long as you stared. Mine were not the only eyes undressing Senorita de Platta as she broke across the lawn towards Hanawalt Hall, the dorm for the monied girls. -- John Long, "A Fool and His Money" %% The first time i saw her it was 9:08. I know because that is when the clock stopped. %% The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men. -- Lupe Velez %% The first two days of vacation are endless, then it flies. %% The first version always gets thrown away. %% The fish that escaped is the big one. %% The five most commonly used words in written English are: the, of, and, a, to. %% The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick, black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass. "What's the meaning of this?", the captain roared. "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on top panted. "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that," the captain said. "I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied. %% The flagships of the British and American fleets were passing each other sometime ago. The admiral of the American fleet signaled to the British Admiral: 'How is the world's second largest navy?'. The British admiral signaled back: 'Very well thank you. How is the world's second best?' %% The flame is extinguished. %% The flame of anger, bright and brief, sharpens the barb of love. -- Walter S. Landor %% The flashlight is getting dim -- time for new batteries. There may be some in the general store . . . %% The flask breaks into pieces. %% The flask breaks, and you smell a peculiar odor ... %% The flat of the troll's axe hits you delicately on the head, knocking you out. %% The flat of the troll's axe skins across your forearm. %% The flood of my tears washed out the bridge of my nose. %% The floor here seems too hard to dig in. %% The floor is littered with worthless shards of pottery. %% The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month %% The flower vanishes in mid-air! %% The folks at Smith-Barney do it "the old fashioned way". %% The following TRUE anecdote is taken from "The Portable Curmudgeon" by Jon Winokur: While Groucho Marx was dining at the Brown Derby, a priest came up to him and said, "Oh, Mr. Marx, I want to thank you for bringing so much joy into the world." Groucho quickly replied, "I want to thank you for taking so much out." %% The following appeared in my MCI bill this month: MCI> President Bush is proclaiming July 22 as Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy MCI> Family Appreciation Day, in honor of the 100th birthday of one of MCI> America's most beloved and respected citizens. Throughout her life, MCI> family has been of utmost importance to Mrs. Kennedy. Family MCI> Appreciation Day calls upon Americans to rededicate themselves to family MCI> values and relationships... [ they then go on to encourage people to use the telephone a lot. ] This Sunday, I encourage the following activities: o Fornicate o Get a divorce o Shoot suction-cup darts at photos of JFK o Fornicate o Call up your long-distance operator and emit an ear-piercing shreik o Tell your parents how they've screwed you up for life o Assist a gay couple in adopting or conceiving o Use the word "Chappaquiddick" (sic?) in a sentence o Buy your pre-adolescent children a copy of Blue Boy o Fornicate o Spit on a rich person o Fornicate Thank you. -- Erb (cooper@cs), Church of the Four-day Workweek %% The following are new DCL commands: DDT Defoliate Directory Trees ETB Eat Tape and Belch EU Electrocute User RAU Ridicule All Users RBAO Ring Bell and Annoy Operator RD Rewind Disk %% The following is a BMW ad that appeared in the GLOBE and MAIL last April 1. It was a "genuine" BMW ad. BMW INTRODUCES ITS NEWEST INNOVATION: ROAD WARMERS. Having spend the last twenty years perfecting the sports sedan, BMW has now taken up the ultimate challenge - perfecting the road. Road Warmers are the result of twenty years of German engineering. And represent perhaps the single most important contribution to the automotive industry in the past decade. Road Warmers employ laser technology to ensure constant road conditions. The way in which they operate is simple. Underneath the car, four pivoting convex lasers are mounted in front of each wheel. The lasers are aimed at the pavement directly in front of the tread stance. They work in tandem with five speed turbo fans. So not only do they manage to melt snow and ice, they also dry the road of excess moisture. And virtually eliminate the need to clear your driveway during winter. Inside the car, the driver is continually apprised of climatic conditions through BMW's onboard computer and Active Check Control. This enables the driver to set the road to a temperature that best suits their level of performance. The result is a road that never changes. Four seasons become one. And performance is assured like never before. Eventually Road Warmers will be standard on all new BMWs. But as part of a special offer, your dealer will install them on your present car free of charge. But you should hurry. Currently offer is only available April 1st, so you would be a fool to miss this one. THE ULTIMATE DRIVING EXPERIENCE. BMW %% The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life. %% The following is a real problem report: Description Of Problem: Can't access any file servers. Need to get a file off of a particular file server for a presentation at tomorrow's forum. The Fix: Convinced him to do the forum without the paper. %% The following is a real sign in front of a small building here at CSUN: DEPT. OF COMMUNICATIVE DISORDES %% The following is allegedly a true story. A professor of freshman physics gave his students weekly quizzes, which he called "quizicals". One student did very poorly on the first one, and went to talk to the professor about it. She was on the verge of crying, and the professor tried to allay her fears by saying, "don't worry, it was only one of my quizicals." "If that's a quizical," she moaned, "I'd hate to see your TESTicals!". %% The following is quoted from an interview with Freeman Dyson in the Spring 1988 TECHNE Journal of Technological Studies from the VTS department at Stanford. There are lots of idiots, of course, in NASA, but my view of NASA is rather like the Royal Air Force used to be in the old days when I worked for the Royal Air Force during the war. If you had an officer who was a dud, you put him in the command headquarters because he would do less damage there than he would out in the squadrons. So all the duds accumulated at the headquarters - this is what has happened at NASA for the last thirty years or so. Actually, there are lots of very fine things, but they're all out in the stations. If you look at JPL out here in California, or you look at Goddard which is in Maryland, they're doing very well. I think JPL is running the Voyager missions, which of course have been beautifully done. The Voyager went to Jupiter and Saturn and Uranus and will go to Neptune next year. That's a fantastically good mission, which is run at JPL, and then there is the IUE, run at Goddard. So there are these very good, what NASA calls, the centers, these places where the technical work is done. And there is this terrible bunch of idiots in Washington at the headquarters which messes everything up. So I think if you just abolish the Washington office, NASA would be in very good shape. We actually tried that out during World War II. There was a very analogous problem we had in 1943. The German armaments industry was doing very well, they were producing a tremendous lot of armaments and we wanted to put a stop to that. We found out that all the head offices of these armament firms were in Dusseldorf and that was where all the paperwork was done. So we decided we would really destroy Dusseldorf and disorganize the whole system. We went in there one night and it was a very successful operation and Dusseldorf really burned down to the ground. And then, in the next few weeks, the armament production went up like a rocket. %% The following letter appeared in "Irish Times" (8th March, 1990): Sir, Arminta Wallace's feature on World Music (February 17th) was both interesting and informative. However, I feel I should point out that the small heading at the top of the page is not quite correct. It reads "Bee-Bop-A-Loo-Bop-A- Wap-Bam-Boom", when in fact it should be either "Be-Bop-A- Lula" or "A-Wop-Bop-Aloo-Bop-A-Wop-Bam-Boom". Yeah! -- Yours, etc., EMMET CREEDON Bearna Gaoithe, Inchigeela, Macroom, Co Cork. %% The following list was compiled from the New York Times: Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters Half 1/2 bottle Bottle 750 milliliters Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters Jeroboam 4 bottles Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US Methuselah 8 bottles Salmanazar 12 bottles Balthazar 16 bottles Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters Interesting notes: The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 bucks to produce and they only made 8 of them. Most of the funny names come from Biblical people - Balthazar was one of the three wise men. Now you can wow them at the New Year's Eve party. %% The following new commands have been added to the computer: RID Read Invalid Data RLP Refill Light Pen RMF Ruin My files ROOP Run Out Of Paper RPM Read Programmer's Mind RST Rust SCCA Short Circuit on Correct Answer SCST Switch Channel to Star Trek %% The following new instruction has been added: CHSE Compare Half-words and Swap if Equal. Please update your programs. %% The following program is rated [G] for General users. %% The following statement is not true. The previous statement is true. %% The following statement is true. The preceding statement is false. %% The following was a favorite saying of a former boss, who went to Harvard for graduate school: "You can always tell a Harvard Man...but you can't tell him much." %% The food that I like best -- the food that makes me hungry just to think of -- is very simple ... When I cook I try never to get too far away from that kind of simplicity. -- Jeremiah Tower %% The food's pretty good here, you should come back. %% The football team of Texas A&M took an IQ test. High point man was the Tackling Dummy. %% The footprints run crisscross. If one is seriously intent, no blame. %% The force of the explosion has caused the ledge to collapse belatedly. %% The force of your blow knocks the # back, stunned. %% The forces of a capitalist society, if left unchecked, tend to make the rich richer and the poor poorer. -- Jawaharlal Nehru %% The forecast calls for Thunder...'89 T-Bird SC #28, Davey Allison #7, Alan Kulwicki 1993 IROC Champion 1992 Winston Cup Champion -- James P. Callison, callison@midway.ecn.uoknor.edu %% The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch". "What happened?" "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" %% The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons rests on mutual help. -- Laukikanyay %% The formalized CS education we have in Soviet Union yields really awful results - for example the quantity of grads capable to write real programs is about 2-3% after the CS Dept. of Moscow U (not the worst one, be sure) - and those students who CAN program all are self-educated hackers and as a rule they had terrible conflicts with educational authorities. Some of the most talented programmers here are still students in their 30s. Thus the practice is against Dijkstra. -- Vadim Antonov (avg@hq.demos.su) %% The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair trial, not a system to let him get off on technicalities. %% The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air due to levitation. Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur if the character does not have fire resistance. -- README file from the NetHack game %% The four basic building blocks of a structured program: do while, do until, do case, do-wah-ditty. %% The four cornerstones of character on which the structure of this nation was built are: Initiative, Imagination, Individuality, and Independence -- Edward Rickenbacker %% The four phases of alcohol are: jolicose, bellicose, lachrymose and comatose. %% The fox provides for himself, but God provides for the lion. %% The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose. -- Hada Bejar %% The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel; but do not dull thy palm with entertainment of each new hatched, unfledged comrade. -- William Shakespeare %% The fullest instruction, and the fullest enjoyment are never derived from books, till we have ventilated the ideas thus obtained, in free and easy chat with others. -- William Matthews %% The function of an ideal is not to be realized but, like that of the North Star, to serve as a guiding point. -- Edward Abbey %% The function of freedom is to free somebody else. -- Toni Morrison %% The function of genius is not to give new answers, but to pose new questions - which time and mediocrity can solve. -- Hugh Trevor-Roper, "Men and Events" %% The function of socialism is to raise suffering to a higher level. -- Norman Mailer %% The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. -- Dr. David Butler %% The function of the intellectual has always been confined, in the main, to embellishing the bored existence of the bourgeoisie, to consoling the rich in the trivial troubles of their life. The intelligentsia was the nurse of the capitalist class. It was kept busy embroidering white stitches on the philosophical and ecclesiastical vestments of the bourgeoisie -- that old and filthy fabric, besmeared so thickly with the blood of the toiling masses. -- Maxim Gorky (1868-1936) %% The fundamental evil of the world arose from the fact that the good Lord has not created money enough. -- Heinrich Heine (1797-1856) %% The fundamental idea of good is that it consists in preserving life, in favoring it, in wanting to bring it to its highest value, and evil consists in destroying life, doing it injury, hindering its development. -- Albert Schweitzer %% The fundamental idea of modern capitalism is not the right of the individual to possess and enjoy what he has earned, but the thesis that the exercise of this right redounds to the general good. -- Ralph Barton Perry %% The further I go, the behinder I get. %% The further an individual is from the poorhouse, the more expert one becomes on the ghetto. -- James L. Davis %% The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge. -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) %% The fury engendered by the misspelling of a name in a column is in direct ratio to the obscurity of the mentionee. -- Alan Deitz %% The future can be anything we want it to be, providing we have the faith and that we realize that peace, no less than war, required "blood, sweat and tears." -- Charles F. Kettering %% The future exists first in the imagination, then in the will, then in reality %% The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors. %% The future is no more uncertain than the present. %% The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now. %% The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) %% The future lies ahead. %% The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it. -- George Meredith %% The future of "I give" is "you take." %% The future will bring you great success in business and in your home life. %% The game of life is always called on account of darkness. -- Solomon Short %% The game's a little bit wide open again. %% The gamester, if he die a martyr to his profession, is doubly ruined. He adds his soul to every other's loss, and by the act of suicide, renounces earth to forfeit heaven. -- Colton %% The garden is in mourning; The rain falls cool among the flowers. Summer shivers quietly On its way towards its end. Golden leaf after leaf Falls from the tall acacia. Summer smiles, astonished, feeble, In this dying dream of a garden. For a long while, yet, in the roses, She will linger on, yearning for peace, And slowly Close her weary eyes. -- Hermann Hesse, "September" %% The gates of hell are open night and day; Smooth the descent, and easy is the way; But to return, and view the cheerful skies, In this the task and mighty labor dies. -- Dryden %% The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials. %% The gene pool has no lifeguard. %% The general prizes most the fortress which took the longest siege. -- Edward Garrett %% The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. %% The gentle journey jars to stop The drifting dream is done. The lurking goblins loom ahead; The deadly, that we thought were dead, Stand waiting, every one. -- Walt Kelly %% The gift of happiness belongs to those who unwrap it. -- Andrew Dunbar %% The girl is made of wax, Her heart is of linen, And her head of fire. A candle %% The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress. %% The girls that go to see a man's etchings may not know art, but they know what they like. %% The glacier is unmoved by your ridiculous attempt. %% The glacier knocks in the cupboard, The desert sighs in the bed, And a crack in the tea-cup opens A lane to the land of the dead. -- W. H. Auden %% The glances over cocktails That seemed to be so sweet Don't seem quite so amorous Over the Shredded Wheat. %% The glory of the nation rests in the character of her men. And character comes from boyhood. Thus every boy is a challenge to his elders. -- Herbert Hoover (1874-1964) %% The gnome appears increasingly impatient. %% The gnome appears increasingly nervous. %% The gnome carefully places the # in the deposit box. "Let me show you the way out," he says, making it clear that he will be pleased to see the last of you. Then, you are momentarily disoriented, and when you recover, you are back at the Bank Entrance. %% The gnome glances at his watch. "Oops! I'm late for an an appointment." He disappears, leaving you alone on the shelf. %% The gnome looks impatient: "I may have another customer waiting; you'll just have to fend for yourself, I'm afraid." He disappears, leaving you alone in the bare room. %% The gnome says, "Well, I never!" and disappears with a snap of his fingers, leaving you alone. %% The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him. -- Russell Baker %% The goal of all life is death. -- Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) %% The goal of yesterday will be the starting point of tomorrow. -- Carlyle %% The goblet is resting, delicately, on the pillow. %% The goblin steps in front of you, blocking your passage. %% The god of the cannibals will be a cannibal, of the crusaders a crusader, and of the merchants a merchant. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) %% The gods do not protect fools. Fools are protected by more capable fools. -- "Ringworld" %% The gods plant reason in mankind, of all good gifts the highest. -- Sophocles %% The gods play games with men as pieces. -- Titus Maccius Plautus (254?-184 B.C.) %% The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell. -- Saint Augustine %% The good Wife is none of our dainty dames, who love to appear in a variety of suits every day new; as if a good gown, like a stratagem in War, were to be used but once. But our good Wife sets up a sail according to the keel of her husband's estate; and if of high Parentage, she doth not so remember what she was by birth, that she forgets what she is by match. -- Fuller %% The good are better made by ill, As odors crush'd are sweeter still. -- Rogers %% The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England. He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief. "You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?" The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said, "I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents." The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc," he said. "You no tell -- I no tell." %% The good life was so elusive It really got me down I had to regain some confidence So I got into camouflage %% The good need fear no law, It is his safety, and the bad man's awe. -- Massinger, Middleton, and Rowley %% The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant. %% The good things of prosperity are to be wished; but the good things that belong to adversity are to be admired. -- Seneca %% The good time is approaching, The season is at hand. When the merry click of the two-base lick Will be heard throughout the land. The frost still lingers on the earth, and Budless are the trees. But the merry ring of the voice of spring Is borne upon the breeze. -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886 %% The gorilla munches down the fruit salad. He burps, and runs away. %% The government builds more and more new roads to make it easier and easier to get to places which are less and less worth visiting. P A N I C ! ! ! %% The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work and they can't fire it. %% The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma, with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, "Send Lord Combermere." "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord Combermere a fool." "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon." -- G. W. E. Russell %% The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagra is esteemed, by all who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) %% The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. %% The grate is now locked. %% The grate is very solid and has a hardened steel lock. You cannot enter without a key, and there are no keys nearby. I would recommend looking elsewhere for the keys. %% The grating is unlocked. %% The grating opens to reveal trees above you. %% The grating opens. %% The grave's a fine and private place, but none, I think, do there embrace. -- Andrew Marvell %% The great creative individual ... is capable of more wisdom and virtue than collective man ever can be. -- John Stuart Mill %% The great end of education is to discipline rather than to furnish the mind; to train it to the use of its own powers, rather than fill it with the accumulation of others. -- Tryon Edwards %% The great end of life is not knowledge, but action. -- Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895) %% The great god Ra whose shrine once covered acres Is filler now for crossword-puzzle makers. %% The great happiness of life, I find, after all, to consist in the regular discharge of some mechanical duty. -- Johann von Schiller %% The great majority of people are only remembered when something for which they are responsible goes wrong. -- Lord Slim %% The great man changes like a tiger. Even before he questions the oracle He is believed. %% The great mass of men lead lives of quiet domestication. -- Solomon Short %% The great prince issues commands, Founds states, vests families with fiefs. Inferior people should not be employed. %% The great question is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with failure. %% The great question of life is not the question of death but the question of life. Fear of death shames us all. -- Edward Abbey %% The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT? -- Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) %% The great secret known to internists, but still hidden from the general public, is that most things get better by themselves. Most things, in fact, are better by morning. -- Lewis Thomas %% The great secret of life is never to be in the way of others. -- Haliburton %% The great truths are too important to be new. -- W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965) %% The great wall of China was built in 221 - 206 B.C. and stretches for 2,150 miles across the northern border of the Chinese Empire. The Wall's dimensions range from 15 to 39 feet high and is 32 feet thick. It took 10 years to build. %% The greater the number of laws, the greater the number of offenses against them. -- Havelock Ellis (1859-1939) %% The greater the number of professionals (advanced degrees preferred) assigned to a project, the greater the progress. -- Richard F. Moore %% The greater your dreams, the more terrible your nightmares. -- Edward Abbey %% The greatest battles in life are fought in the quiet chambers of the soul. -- David O. McKay %% The greatest danger to human beings is their consciousness of the trivialities of their aims. -- Gerald Brennen %% The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood. %% The greatest genius is never so great as when it is chastised and subdued by the highest reason. -- Colton %% The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. -- Sophocles %% The greatest intellectual capacities are only found in connection with a vehement and passionate will. -- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860) %% The greatest lies of all time: (1) I love you. (2) This won't hurt a bit. (3) The Mercedes is paid for. (4) The check is in the mail. (5) I was just going to call you. (6) I've always worn cowboy boots. (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth. (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning. (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you. (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you. %% The greatest of all faults is to be conscious of none. -- Carlyle %% The greatest of fools is he who imposes on himself, and in greatest concern thinks certainly he knows that which he has least studied, and of which he is profoundly ignorant. -- Shaftesbury %% The greatest productive force is human selfishness. -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love" %% The greatest programming project of all took six days; on the seventh day the programmer rested. We've been trying to debug the ###!@? thing ever since. Moral: design before you implement. %% The greatest remedy for anger is delay. -- Seneca %% The greatest selling LP of all time is 'White Christmas' written by Irving Berlin - over 150 million copies. %% The greatest task before civilization at present is to make machines what they ought to be, the slaves, instead of the masters of men. -- Havelock Ellis (1859-1939), "Little Essays of Love and Virtue", 1922 %% The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart. -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899) %% The greatest torture in the world for most people is to think. -- Luther Burbank (1849-1926) %% The greatest truths are the simplest; so are the greatest men. %% The greatness of a man can nearly always be measured by his willingness to be kind. -- G. Young %% The greatness of kings is made at the margin; the greatness of legislatures, at the mean. That is to say, a monarch is judged by individual virtues and performance, but no legislature can be called great because it contained one or a few impressive individuals, to whom it paid no heed. The standard of judgement for monarchs and legislatures is always the same: the happiness and well-being of the people. -- Michael Scully %% The green bubble is glowing. %% The green fields to the south now seem to shimmer like a mirage. %% The green stone is flawless emerald of enormous size. Its many facets sparkle and glitter as the stone is moved. %% The grue is a sinister, lurking presence in the dark places of the earth. His favorite diet is adventurers, but its insatiable appetite is tempered by its fear of light. No grue has ever been seen by the light of day, and few have survived its fearsome jaws to tell the tale. %% The guard dies, but never surrenders. -- Fougemont %% The gurus come from the sickliest nation on earth to tell us how to live. And we pay them for it. -- Edward Abbey %% The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. %% The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble: -- The morning after note reads: Whiting, Barbara: I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute I wanted to byte your ear. -- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam. -- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior. -- The last straw: Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new program and shows up an hour late. You Don't...: make nasty asides regarding his 5-14 inch floppy. You Do...: remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily indicate a malfunction. %% The haft of your blade knocks out the #. %% The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never see her little dog Pritzi again. -- 1988 Bulwer-Lytton bad writing contest, runner up %% The handle of the \fIting\fR is altered. One is impeded in his way of life. The fat of the pheasant is not eaten. Once rain falls, remorse is spent. Good fortune comes in the end. %% The handle of the torch is made of roughly carved hardwood. There are blackened remains of some sort of fuel in a hollow at the end of the handle. %% The happiest day is that day in the past that you always run back to when the present proves unbearable. %% The happiest ending in the movies is when the guy next to you finally finishes his popcorn. -- Bobby Vinton %% The happiest lot for a man, as far as birth is concerned, is that it should be such as to give him but little occasion to think mush about it. -- Richard Whately (1787-1863) %% The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce. -- John Kenneth Galbraith %% The hard questions always have more than one right answer. The easy questions have no answers at all. That's the universe's way of keeping things balanced. -- Solomon Short %% The harder to get the better to have. -- Into the Woods %% The harder you work, the luckier you get. -- Gary Player %% The hardest part of climbing the ladder of success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. %% The hardest thing about time travel is the grammar. %% The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. %% The hardest tumble one can take is to fall over his own bluff. %% The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the butter. %% The hardware makes it a PC, the software makes it a Workstation, the unit sales make it a Mainframe. -- on the NeXT %% The hawk's cry is as sharp as its beak. -- Edward Abbey %% The head of government of a certain East European country had in his office a telephone with an earpiece, but no mouthpiece. "What's that?" asked a visitor. "That's my private hotline to Moscow", was the reply. %% The headboard of a young bull. Great good fortune. %% The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality of functions performed by private citizens. -- Alexis de Tocqueville (1805-1859) %% The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. -- Blaise Pascal %% The heart is wiser than the intellect. %% The heart of an average adult male weighs 9 - 11 ounces. The average adult female, 7 - 9 ounces. %% The heart will break, yet brokenly live on. -- Lord Byron %% The heart, the liver, the spleen, the pancreas. All these miraculous organs work in _total_darkness_! -- Late Night with David Letterman %% The heat from the torch is so intense that the candles are vaporized. %% The heaviest human in thw world was Robert Earl Hughes born in 1926 in Illinois. He weighed 1069 lbs in Feb, 1958. %% The heaviest object in the world is the body of the woman you have ceased to love. -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues %% The hell with the prime directive--let's kill something %% The help people need most urgently is help in admitting that they need help. %% The henpecked husband and his wordy wife were visiting Spain. They were walking down a country road having one of their arguments in the usual way. This time he was wining though. Suddenly she turned and saw a bull charging down the road. There was no time to warn her husband so she jumped into a hedge. The bull caught the man on its horns and sent him spinning fifty feet into the air. He came down in a ditch. When he finally managed to crawl out he saw his wife standing on the road. "Hell," he said, "if you hit me like that again you'll really make me lose my temper!". %% The herd instinct among forecasters make sheep look like independent thinker. -- Edgar R. Fiedler %% The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems, is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of adventurous youth. -- Benjamin Cardozo %% The high-water mark, so to speak, of Socialist literature is W. H. Auden, a sort of gutless Kipling. -- George Orwell (1903-1950) %% The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind. -- Gen. Joe Stilwell %% The higher the buildings, the lower the morals. -- Noel Coward %% The higher the tuition, the fewer days they spend in school. -- Frank Mankiewicz %% The higher you go the more dependent you become on others. %% The higher, the fewer. %% The highest duty is to respect authority. -- Leo XIII (1810-1903) %% The highest exercise of charity is charity towards the uncharitable. -- J. S. Buckminster %% The highest treason, the meanest treason, is to deny the holiness of this little blue planet on which we journey through the cold void of space. -- Edward Abbey %% The highway of life is always under construction %% The hinges are quite thoroughly rusted now and won't budge. %% The history of liberty has largely been the history of the observance of procedural safeguards. -- Justice Felix Frankfurter %% The history of liberty is the history of resistance ... [it is a] history of the limitation of governmental power. -- Woodrow Wilson %% The history of the rise of Christianity has everything to do with politics, culture, and human frailties and nothing to do with supernatural manipulation of events. Had divine intervention been the guiding force, surely two millennia after the birth of Jesus he would not have a world where there are more Muslims than Catholics, more Hindus than Protestants, and more nontheists than Catholics and Protestants combined. -- John K. Naland, "The First Easter", Free Inquiry magazine, Vol. 8, No. 2 %% The history of the world is the record of man in quest of his daily bread and butter. %% The history of the world which is still taught to our children is essentially a series of race murders. -- Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) %% The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: Retribution: I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother. Anticipation: I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother. Diplomacy: I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the pretext that your brother did it. %% The holder of the large bag just left, looking disgusted. Fortunately, he took nothing. %% The hole and the patch should be commensurate. -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) %% The hole is getting deeper, but that's about it. %% The home is not the one tame place in the world of adventure. It is the one wild place in the world of rules and set tasks. -- G. K. Chesterson %% The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns. -- Helen Rowland %% The honeymoon is over -- it's time to get married Carol Burnett is "Pete 'n Tillie" %% The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink. %% The honeymoon is over when he phones that he'll be late for supper -- and she has already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. -- Bill Lawrence %% The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul. %% The horror ... the horror! -- Joseph Conrad, "Heart of Darkness", 1902 %% The hotel [in Kiev] checked us in very quickly. Unlike the one in Moscow, the door guard smiled, did not check our passes and did not wear a gun. The hotel serves excellent country food for lunch, including dumpling soup, pork and homemade ice cream. The waitress is friendly. Going from Moscow to Kiev is like going from New York to Texas. -- T. J. Rodgers, "High tech in the Ukraine", E. E. Times, 8/13/90, p. 16 %% The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time of great moral crises maintain their neutrality. -- Dante %% The house is empty except for the family dog. The telephone rings. The dog walks over to the phone, pushes the receiver off the hook with his paw, and says, "WOOF!" No response. The dog waits a moment, and once again says, "WOOF!" Still no response. The dog moves closer to the phone and says, "William, Oscar, Oscar, Frederick." %% The house shakes, and the ceiling of the room you're in collapses, turning you into a pancake. %% The human body is a magazine of inventions, the patent office, where are the models from which every hint is taken. All the tools and engines on earth are only extensions of its limbs and senses. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) %% The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. %% The human brain is the only computer in the world made out of meat. -- Solomon Short %% The human heart is often the victim of the sensations of the moment; success intoxicates it to presumption, and disappointment dejects and terrifies it. -- Volney %% The human heart, at whatever age, opens only to the heart that opens in return. -- Marie Edgeworth %% The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein -- it rejects it. -- Sir Peter Medawar %% The human race never solves any of its problems -- it only outlives them. -- Solomon Short %% The human race, to which so many of my readers belong, has been playing at children's games from the beginning, and will probably do it till the end, which is a nuisance for the few people who grow up. And one of the games which it is most attached is called, "Keep tomorrow dark," and which is also named (by the rustics in Shropshire, I have no doubt) "Cheat the Prophet." The players listen very carefully and respectfully to all that the clever men have to say about what is to happen in the next generation. The players then wait until all the clever men are dead, and bury them nicely. Then they go and do something else. That is all. For a race of simple tastes, however, it is great fun. -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936) %% The human species, according to the best theory I can form of it, is composed of two distinct races: then men who borrow, and the men who lend. -- Charles Lamb (1775-1834) %% The humble bureaucrat, like the bass, dwells at the bottom of the pond but grows fat. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 %% The humblest citizen of all the land, when clad in the armor of a righteous cause, is stronger than all the hosts of Error. -- William Jennings Byron %% The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. -- Mother Teresa, quoted in "Time", 4 December 1989 %% The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment. "Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but was it you I made love to in the library last night?" His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what time?" %% The hungry sheep look up and are not fed, But, swoln with wind and the rank mist they draw, Rot inwardly, and foul contagion spread. -- Milton, "Lycidas" %% The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his lovemaking. "Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet -- even if it is right inside the front door." At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?" the consultant asked. "Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went absolutely wild!" %% The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. -- Leo J. Burke %% The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment, however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious,he picked up his bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning. "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action," the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed. An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club. "I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!" %% The hypnotist is fascinating Mary in her modest gown, Meantime mentally debating: Is she blonde the whole way down? %% The hypothesis: Amid a wash of paper, a small number of documents become the critical pivots around which every project's management revolves. These are the manager's chief personal tools. -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month %% The icing, now visible, says "ENLARGE". %% The icing, now visible, says "EVAPORATE". %% The icing, now visible, says "EXPLODE". %% The idea is for a woman to make her life as big, as challenging as she can, and know that during that life there will be men who will love her for what she is trying to be, just as there have always been men who loved her for not trying to be anything at all. -- Lee Grant %% The idea of daylight-savings is like trying to be taller by cutting off your head and standing on it. %% The idea of man leaving this earth and flying to another celestial body and landing there and stepping out and walking over that body has a fascination and a driving force that can get the country to a level of energy, ambition, and will that I do not see in any other undertaking. I think if we are honest with ourselves, we must admit that we needed that impetus extremely strongly. I sincerely believe that the space program, with its manned landing on the moon, if wisely executed, will become the spearhead for a broad front of courageous and energetic activities in all the fields of endeavour of the human mind - activities which could not be carried out except in a mental climate of ambition and confidence which such a spearhead can give. -- Dr. Martin Schwarzschild, 1962, in "The History of Manned Space Flight" %% The ideal kitchen-sink novel: Throw in everything but the kitchen sink. Then add the kitchen sink. -- Edward Abbey %% The ideal reasoner, would, when he had once been shown a single fact in all its bearings, deduce from it not only the chain of events which led up to it but also the results which would follow from it. As Cuvier could correctly describe a whole animal by the contemplation of a single bone, so the observer who has thoroughly understood one link in a series of incidents should be able to accurately state all the other ones, both before and after. We have not yet grasped the results which the reason alone can attain to. Problems may be solved in the study which have baffled all those who have sought a solution by aid of their senses. To carry the art, however, to its highest pitch, it is necessary that the reasoner should be able to utilize all the facts which have come to his knowledge; and this in itself implies, as you will readily see, a possession of all knowledge, which, even in these days of free education and encyclopedias, is a somewhat rare accomplishment. It is not so impossible, however, that a man should possess all knowledge which is likely to be useful to him in his work, and this I have endeavored in my case to do. -- Sherlock Holmes %% The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled. %% The ideal situation is to have real computing power close at hand - right at home. Something that dims streetlights and shrinks the picture on the neighbors TV when you crank it up. %% The ideal society can be described, quite simply, as that in which no man has the power of means to coerce others. -- Edward Abbey %% The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. -- John Maynard Keyes %% The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. %% The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. -- Quintus Ennius %% The ignorance of the working-class and the superior intelligence of the privileged class are superstitions -- are superstitions fostered by intellectual mercenaries, by universities and churches, and by all the centers of privilege. -- George D. Herron (1862-1925) %% The ignorant classes are the dangerous classes. -- Henry Ward Beecher %% The ignorant man always adores what he cannot understand. -- Cesare Lombroso, "The Man of Genius" %% The illusion that times that were are better than those that are, has probably pervaded all ages. -- Horace Greeley (1811-1872), "The American Conflict", 1864-1866 %% The image of the fields in front of you vanishes abruptly. %% The implementers are dead; therefore, they do not respond. %% The implied convertibility between a unit of real money produced by labor and an article of wealth created by human labor for the market must be assured. Therefore, the value of the monetary unit should have a real objective regulator. -- Lewis E. Lehrman %% The importance of the man and his job, in that relative order, rises in direct proportion to the distance separating his audience from his home office. %% The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. %% The inability to benefit from feedback appears to be the primary cause of pseudoscience. Pseudoscientists retain their beliefs and ignore or distort contradictory evidence rather than modify or reject a flawed theory. Because of their strong biases, they seem to lack the self-correcting mechanisms scientists must employ in their work. -- Thomas L. Creed, "The Skeptical Inquirer," Summer 1987 %% The incidence of anything worthwhile is either 15-25 percent or 80-90 percent. %% The income tax has make more liars out of the American people than golf has. -- Will Rogers %% The industrial corporation is the natural enemy of nature. -- Edward Abbey %% The industrial way of life leads to the industrial way of death. From Shiloh to Dachau, from Antietam to Stalingrad, from Hiroshima to Vietnam and Afghanistan, the great specialty of industry and technology has been the mass production of human corpses. -- Edward Abbey %% The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communication between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. -- Thomas L. Martin %% The inferior man works through power. The superior man does not act thus. To continue is dangerous. A goat butts against a hedge And gets its horns entangled. %% The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists. That is why they invented Hell. -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967) %% The influence shows itself in the back of the neck. No remorse. %% The influence shows itself in the big toe. %% The influence shows itself in the calves of the legs. Misfortune. Tarrying brings good fortune. %% The influence shows itself in the jaws, cheeks and tongue. %% The influence shows itself in the thighs. Holds to that which follows it. To continue is humiliating. %% The information in this cookie is subject to change without notice and should not be construed as a commitment by Digital Equipment Corporation. %% The information you can obtain costs more than you want to pay! %% The information you have is not what you need. %% The information you need is not what you can obtain. %% The inhabitants of Paris are Parisites. %% The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries. -- Sir Winston S. Churchill %% The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr. -- Mohammed %% The insolent civility of a proud man is, if possible, more shocking than his rudeness could be; because he shows you, by his manner, that he thinks it mere condescension in him; and that his goodness alone bestows upon you what you have no pretense to claim. -- Chesterfield %% The inspiration of the Bible depends upon the ignorance of the gentleman who reads it. -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899) %% The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a pointer and a mark. -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars" %% The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you choose to hike always comes out positive. -- Milt Barber %% The intellect of the wise is like glass; it admits the light of heaven and reflects it. -- Hare %% The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man almost nothing. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832) %% The intensity of anxiety when you tell a lie is nothing compared to the relief when you find out it is believed. -- John Francis Putnam (1964) %% The intensity of movie publicity is in inverse ratio to the quality of the movie. -- Gene Shalit %% The interest of the people [lies] in being able to join organizations, advocate causes, and make political "mistakes" without being subjected to government penalties. -- Justice Hugo Black (1886-1971) %% The interesting thing about America is that she asks nothing for herself except what she has a right to ask for humanity itself. -- Woodrow Wilson %% The interesting thing about a waltzing bear is not how well it dances. %% The interview with Gordon Liddy, back in D.C., was most pleasurable. He is a man of the same stamp as Sir Thomas More and Solzhenytsin, among others. The motto of such people is, "Do your worst, I do not coerce!" The human race is honored by such. -- Jeff Cooper %% The intoxication of anger, like that of the grape, shows us to others, but hides us from ourselves. We injure our own cause in the opinion of the world when we too passionately defend it. -- Charles Caleb Colton %% The island of Atuan is close to you, just to the northwest. A large island can be seen in a northwestern direction. %% The island of Ilite is situated just north of your current position. Islands can be seen in the distance to the northwest and southwest. %% The island of Kaltuel is to your west. Though the map shows several other large islands nearby, you can see only water where they should be. %% The island of Ontuego lies to the west here. Beyond it, and to the north, you can see another island. %% The island of Pelimer is situated to the north. No other islands can be seen. %% The island of Rogm lies nearby to the northwest. %% The island of Venway is to the south of your current position. %% The isle of Jessage is just to the southeast here. Land can be seen clearly to the northwest. %% The isle of Norst is now immediately to the north. Ebosskil can be seen to the east of southeast. %% The item you want is out of stock. But it's on back order. %% The job of a Dean is to raise as much money as he can, then spend it as fast as he can. %% The job of satire is to frighten and enlighten. -- Richard Condon %% The job's not over until the paperwork's done. -- "Programming Pearls", Communications of the ACM, Sep. 1985 %% The joy is in the doing. -- Elizabeth Braidwood The joy is in the dancing. -- Justin du Coeur The joy is in the dancer. -- Justin's lady The joy is in Dancer, and Prancer, and Vixen... -- Kris Kringle The Joy is in the kitchen next to the sink. -- Vergil William de Comyn %% The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?" -- Steven Wright %% The judge increased his fine by $10. He thought that was extra fine. %% The keen spirit Seized the prompt occasion -- makes the thought Start into instant action, and at once Plans and performs, resolves and executes. -- Hannah Moore %% The kegger lasted far into the night, and the next morning, Dave stuck his foot into a shoe full of cranky, hung-over, stimulus-response scorpions. %% The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. -- L. Zadeh %% The key is made from intricately carved gold stock. It is affixed to a handle cut from an unknown red gemstone. It looks very valuable. %% The key to Christ's success was that He always did the Father's will. %% The key to being an expert is to complicate the simple. %% The key won't turn, because the lock is too rusty. %% The keyring consists of a tight loop of dull grey metal, on which are strung a group of 12 brightly colored keys. Each key bears a number embossed in gold. Keys 1-3 are red, keys 4-6 are green, keys 7-9 are yellow, and keys 10-12 are blue. The keys are quite delicate with intracate wards. %% The kids scream 'Oh yuck, we just hit a mosquito on the windshield - look at its blood.' In fact, it isn't the mosquito's blood, but blood the insect has just recently sucked from a red-blooded animal. Insect blood is colorless. Male mosquitos suck plant juices; females suck blood. %% The kind of danger people most enjoy is the kind they can watch from a safe place. %% The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter--a bond that would unite two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full account of the wedding night's progress. "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.' And that's the way it went all night long--honor, offer, honor, offer. %% The king offers him Mount Ch'i. Good fortune. No blame. %% The king uses him to march forth and chastise. Then it is best to kill the leaders And take captive the followers. No blame. %% The king's servant is beset by obstruction upon obstruction, But it is not his own fault. %% The kings of Peru were the Incas, Who were known far and wide as great drincas. They worshiped the sun And had lots of fun, But the peasants all thought they were stincas. %% The knife is carved from a single piece of hard red stone. The double-edged blade is about 6 inches long, with a needle- sharp point. The handle is tubular, as long as the blade, and terminates in a small round ball. %% The knights are dust, And their good swords are rust, Their souls are with the saints, we trust. -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge %% The knob that fires the mighty missile May make World War Three begin, Write our fate in fires of fissile-- Hey! You fool! You've knocked it in! %% The knock reverberates along the hall. For a time it seems there will be no answer. Then you hear someone unlatching the small wooden panel. Through the bars of the great door, the wrinkled face of an old man appears. He gazes down at you and intones as follows: "I am the Master of the Dungeon, whose task it is to insure that none but the most scholarly and masterful adventurers are admitted into the secret realms of the Dungeon. To ascertain whether you meet the stringent requirements laid down by the Great Implementers, I will ask three questions which should be easy for one of your reputed excellence to answer. You have undoubtedly discovered the answers during your travels through the Dungeon. Should you answer each of these questions correctly within five attempts, then I am obliged to acknowledge your skill and daring and admit you to these regions. "All answers should be in the form 'ANSWER, '." %% The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable. -- Irving Howe %% The known is finite, the unknown infinite; intellectually we stand on an islet in the midst of in illimitable ocean of inexplicability. Our business in every generation is to reclaim a little more land. -- Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895) %% The kzinti who had dared that vastness [of the Great Ocean] had not been cowards, and those who returned had not been fools. -- "The Ringworld Engineers" %% The label "NEW" or "IMPROVED" means the price went up and the quality went down. %% The label on the pouch reads "Merlin's triple-action magic dust, good for 3 (three) kinds of spell-casting: rune-reading, levitating, and conjuring." %% The laboring people found the prisons always open to receive them, but the courts of justice were practically closed to them. -- John Peter Altgeld (1847-1902) %% The ladies looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. %% The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. -- Charles P. Boyle %% The lake has risen up to heaven: The image of Break-through. Thus the superior man Dispenses riches downward And refrains from resting on his virtue. %% The lake rises above the trees: The image of Preponderance of the Great. Thus the superior man, when he stands alone, Is unconcerned, And if he has to renounce the world, He is undaunted. %% The lamp appears to be getting dimmer. %% The lamp has smashed into the floor, and the light has gone out. %% The lamp is dying. %% The lamp is nearly dead. What a shame . . . %% The lamp is now completely used up. %% The lamp's glow is dying. You probably should think about getting out of here . . . %% The land of the free! This is the land of the free! Why, if I say anything that displeases them, the free mob will lynch me, and that's my freedom. Free? Why I have never been in any country where the individual has such an abject fear of his fellow countrymen. Because, as I say, they are free to lynch him the moment he shows he is not one of them. -- D. H. Lawrence (1885-1930) %% The language provides a programmer with a set of conceptual tools; if these are inadequate for the task, they will simply be ignored. For example, seriously restricting the concept of a pointer simply forces the programmer to use a vector plus integer arithmetic to implement structures, pointer, etc. Good design and the absence of errors cannot be guaranteed by mere language features. -- Bjarne Stroustrup, "The C++ Programming Language" %% The larger the project or job, the less time there is to do it. -- George A. Daher %% The largest room in the world is the room for improvement. %% The larva from its dusty cranny Danny took, and laid on cloth To watch it hatch ... Too bad for Danny! He thought the pupa held a moth. %% The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible for everything that goes wrong -until the next person quits or is fired. %% The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. %% The last rush-hour express bus to your neighborhood leaves five minutes before you get off work. -- John Corcoran %% The last thing one knows is what to put first. -- Pascal %% The last two words of the Star-Spangled Banner are not "Play Ball!" -- Solomon Short %% The last verse of Hell In a Bucket -- the one that Bobby never sings in public: "And while you were saying your mantra, I was humping your very best friend Comparing myself to Sinatra, 'Cause I did it my way in her end!" %% The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. -- Governor Tarkin %% The last, best fruit which comes to perfection, even in the kindliest soul, is, tenderness toward the hard, forbearance toward the unforbearing, warmth of heart toward the cold, philanthropy toward the misanthropic. -- Richter %% The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. Where ten thousand virgins Succumbed to his urgin's There now stands the great State of Utah. %% The late rebellion in Massachusetts has given more alarm than I think it should have done. Calculate that one rebellion in 13 states in the course of 11 years, is but one for each state in a century and a half. No country should be so long without one. -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), in letter to James Madison, 20 December 1787 %% The latest issue of "Better Gnomes and Gardens" lies at your feet. %% The law of gravity was just revoked again. I hate when that happens. %% The law of privacy includes underwear. %% The law of the letter: The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the letter. %% The law regards man as man and takes no account of his surroundings or of of his color when his civil rights as guaranteed by the supreme law of the land are involved. -- Justice John Marshall Harlan (1833-1911) [Sole dissent, Plessy v. Ferguson, 163 U.S. 537 (1896)] %% The laws of New York City state that any person who fails to step on an insect using a public thoroughfare is liable to a $50 fine. %% The lawyers are going to LOVE this one -- NEWSDAY %% The leader who can enlist cooperation and respect, without having to pull rank, has power of the most positive kind. %% The leadership of the privileged has passed away; but it has not been succeeded by the leadership of the eminent. We have entered the region of mass effects. -- Sir Winston S. Churchill %% The leak has submerged the depressed area in a pool of sewage. %% The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. %% The least pain in our little finger gives us more concern and uneasiness than the destruction of millions of our fellow human beings. -- William Hazlitt (1778-1830), Works, Vol.X %% The leaves burn and the neighbors start to complain. %% The ledge collapses, giving you a narrow escape. %% The ledge collapses, leaving you with no place to land. %% The ledge collapses, probably as a result of the explosion. A large chunk of it, which is attached to the hook, drags you down to the ground. Fatally. %% The ledge has collapsed and cannot be landed on. %% The leg of the bed is split. Those who persevere are destroyed. Misfortune. %% The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance. %% The legs of the \fIting\fR are broken. The prince's meal is spilled And his person is soiled. Misfortune. %% The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. -- Alfred Hitchcock %% The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present. -- Eileen Shanahan %% The length of any meeting is inversely proportional to the length of the agenda for that meeting. -- G. Robert McLaughlin %% The length of debate varies inversely with the complexity of the issue. -- Robert Knowles %% The less America looks abroad, the grander its promise. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) %% The less a thing can be proved, the angrier we get when we argue about it. %% The less important you are on the table of organization, the more you'll be missed if you don't show up for work. %% The less some people know the more eager they are to tell you about it. %% The less there is between you and the environment, the more you appreciate the environment. %% The less time planning, the more time programming. %% The less you bother me, the sooner you get results %% The less you enjoy serving on committees, the more likely you are to be pressed to do so. (Explanation: If you do not like committees, you keep quiet, nod your head, and look wise while thinking of something else and thereby acquire the reputation of being a judicious and cooperative colleague; if you enjoy committees, you talk a lot, make many suggestions and are regarded by the other members as a nuisance. -- Professor Charles P. Issawi %% The less your hope, the hotter your love. %% The letters appear larger but are still too small to read. %% The liberal of any species is always more dangerous -- because he always seems so much more rational. -- Solomon Short %% The liberties of our country, the freedom of our civil constitution, are worth defending at all hazards; and it is our duty to defend them against all attacks. -- Samuel Adams %% The liberty of thinking and publishing whatsoever each one likes, without any hindrances, is not in itself an advantage over which society can wisely rejoice. On the contrary, it is the fountainhead and origin of many evils. -- Leo XIII (1810-1903) %% The lid closes. %% The lid opens. %% The life expectancy of a television comedian is proportional to the total amount of exposure on the medium. %% The life of a cigarette is proportional to the intensity of the protests from the non-smokers. -- Raj K. Dhawan %% The life of a pious minister is visible rhetoric. -- Hooker %% The life which is unexamined is not worth living. -- Plato (428-348? B.C.) %% The light at the end of the tunnel is probably your house burning down. %% The light has sunk into the earth: The image of Darkening of the Light. Thus does the superior man live with the great mass: He veils his light, yet still shines. %% The light here seems better now. %% The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. %% The light that burns twice as brightly burns half as long. You have a long life ahead of you. %% The lights are most likely to come back on at the precise moment you find the flashlight. -- Solomon Short %% The lights within the room come on. %% The likelihood of anything happening is in direct proportion to the amount of trouble it will cause if it does happen. -- Sam W. Warren %% The limerick is furtive and mean; You must keep her in close quarantine, Or she sneaks to the slums And promptly becomes Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. -- Morris Bishop %% The limerick, a verse form iniquitous Has nonetheless been ubiquitous Once Congress in session declared its suppression But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. %% The limits of my language means the limits of my world. -- Ludwig Wittgenstein %% The little bird attacks the green dragon, and in an astounding flurry gets burnt to a cinder. The ashes blow away. %% The little bird attacks the green snake, and in an astounding flurry drives the snake away. %% The little bird is now dead. Its body disappears. %% The little engineer that could %% The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. She loves it - and that's all. It is thus that we should love. -- DeGourmont %% The little mind who loves itself, will write and think with the vulgar; but the great mind will be bravely eccentric, and scorn the beaten road, from universal benevolence. -- Oliver Goldsmith %% The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor were delivered in a welter of tears. "Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed... (blubber,blubber)!" "Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice, "and would you care to have them mounted?" "Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends." %% The little pieces of my life I give to you, with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold. %% The little sweet doth kill much bitterness. %% The little trouble in the world that is not due to love is due to friendship. -- Ed Howe %% The local banker really likes the Swiss slogan: every little bit Alphs. %% The local density of mosquitos is inversely proportional to your remaining repellant. -- Milt Barber %% The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his parish with a basket of kittens. "Hello little girl what do you have there?" "These are my democratic kittens," she replied. Two weeks later the same minister noticed the same little girl with the same basket of kittens. "My, I see you still have your democratic kittens" "I beg your pardon, these are Republican kittens," she replied. "Two weeks ago they were democratic kittens," he said. "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed," she replied. %% The lock doesn't need oiling. %% The lock isn't on this side of the door. %% The lonely and the hunted explode into rock and roll bands. %% The long habit of living indisposeth us for dying. -- Sir Thomas Browne %% The longer ahead you plan a special event, and the more special it is, the more likely it is to go wrong. -- David and Jane Evelyn %% The longer the title, the less important the job. -- Robert Shrum %% The longer the wand the better. %% The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. -- Marcus Terentius Varro %% The longest pole in the tent is holding everything up. %% The loss of liberty in general would soon follow the suppression of the liberty of the press; for it is an essential branch of liberty, so perhaps it is the best preservative of the whole. -- John Peter Zenger %% The love of meat prevents any real change. -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% The love of money is the root of all evil; which while some coveted after they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. -- I Timothy VI, 10 %% The low doth punish man or woman That steals the goose from off the common, But lets the greater felon loose, That steals the common from the goose. -- Anon. (1764) %% The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. %% The lustre of diamonds is invigorated by the interposition of darker bodies; the lights of a picture are created by the shades; the highest pleasure which nature has indulged to sensitive perception is that of rest after fatigue. -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) %% The machine -- not only does it relieve us mechanically of a crushing weight of physical and mental labor; but by the miraculous enhancing of our senses, through its powers of enlargement, penetration and exact measurement, it constantly increases the scope and clarity of our perceptions. It fulfills the dream of all living creatures by satisfying our instinctive craving for the maximum of consciousness with a minimum of effort! Having embarked upon so profitable a path, how can Mankind fail to pursue it? -- Teilhard de Chardin %% The machine comes to life (figuratively) with a dazzling display of colored lights and bizarre noises. After a few moments, the excitement fades. %% The machine doesn't seem to want to do anything. %% The mad scientist was once only a creature of gothic romance; now he is everywhere, busy torturing atoms and animals in his laboratory. -- Edward Abbey %% The magic dust carries you safely downward. %% The magic mushroom gives you vivid hallucinations, and an upset stomach. %% The magician is seated in his high chair and looks upon the world with favor. He is at the height of his powers. If he closes his eyes, he causes the world to disappear. If he opens his eyes, he causes the world to come back. If there is harmony within him, the world is harmonious. If rage shatters his inner harmony, the unity of the world is shattered. If desire arises within him, he utters the magic syllables that causes the desired object to appear. His wishes, his thoughts, his gestures, his noises command the universe. -- Selma Fraiberg, "The Magic Years", pg. 107 %% The main beneficiaries of federal aid are those states that most oppose the principle. -- Bob Smith %% The main impact of the computer has been the provision of unlimited jobs for clerks. %% The major advances in civilization are processes that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. -- Alfred North Whitehead %% The major cause of poverty is the birth of children to unwed mothers. -- Pat Robertson %% The majority of us are for free speech only when it deals with those subjects concerning which we have no intense convictions. -- Edmund B. Chafee %% The majority, compose them how you will, are a herd, and not a nice one. -- William Hazlitt (1778-1830) %% The makers of fortunes have a second love of money as a creation of their own, resembling the affection of authors for their poems, or of parents for their children ... and hence they are very bad company, for they talk of nothing but the praises of wealth. -- Plato (428-348? B.C.) %% The man is rolling a rolled map across the draftsman's table located in the center of the room. He sees you enter and comments mockingly, "Some choad went to the trouble to map out the first couple of miles of the mine really well. Unfortunately most of it is not worth knowing and there is not enough paper in the place to do the whole thing. Come on, we are getting close to the interesting part of this dump." The man steps out the passage to the northeast. There is a door to the west. %% The man is sitting on an artificial wood grain desk and holding some yellowed papers. He says, "This is supposed to be the owner's office where all the important records are kept. There's nothing in here worth the trouble to go through. Even that music box is busted. I don't even know how long it has been since this place was used for its original purpose. Enough of this shooting the bull here - there are much better things to see. Follow me." He hops off the desk and out the door to the east. Another door faces northwest. %% The man kicks a pile of empty cans into the corner and says, "The only thing worse than eating canned food for 12 years is not being able to read the cans to tell what it is before you open it." He leads you towards a door to the west and leaves. Another door is to the north and there is a passage to the south. %% The man scarce lives who is not more credulous than he ought to be.... The natural disposition is always to believe. It is acquired wisdom and experience only that teach incredulity, and they very seldom teach it enough. -- Adam Smith (1723-1790) %% The man seems lost in thought as you enter but he snaps to and gestures to the two ore carts and associated cables which occupy the majority of the room. He says, "Those carts are the only way to move around in the mine without getting yourself wasted. And, speaking of wasted, stay out of that place, he jabs a thumb to the west, that is none of your business, or mine any more. The cables here move them but you have to carry your own air. The tanks against the wall give you an hour of air at a shot but it doesn't take near that much to get all the stuff we could need. You gotta watch the pedals though, the cart can be a real E ticket ride until you get the hang of it. Enough of this though we will come back to get the treasure later. Let me finish what little tour I have to give." The man leaves through a passage to the north. Another passage exits to the southwest. A heavy door to the west stands directly opposite the entrance to the mine proper which is sealed by the carts and a air lock. %% The man shoves you onto the bed and says "Now just stay put!" and leaves the room through the southeast door. %% The man told the ghost to go away, "You don't have a haunting license." %% The man waves to the two doors northwest and northeast and says "Those only go off to the crew quarters. Not much in mine and even less in yours." At this point he walks into the northwest room saying "Lets just get you the few things you will need here......". There is also a door to the southwest and east. %% The man who builds a factory builds a temple; the man who works there, worships there. -- Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933) %% The man who builds and wants wherewith to pay Provides a home from which to run away. -- Young %% The man who can laugh when he isn't amused is always popular. %% The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% The man who has ceased to learn ought not to be allowed to wander around loose in these dangerous days. -- M. M. Coady %% The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. -- Menander %% The man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato--the only thing belonging to him is underground. -- Sir Thomas Overbury %% The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. -- Henri-Frederic Amiel %% The man who invented velvet made a nice pile %% The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news. -- Bertolt Brecht %% The man who lets himself be bored is even more contemptible than the bore. -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902), "The Fair Haven", 1873 %% The man who listens to Reason is lost: Reason enslaves all whose minds are not strong enough to master her. -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) %% The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. %% The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. -- Herbert George Wells (1866-1946), "Time After Time" %% The man who rows the boat seldom has time to rock it. -- Bill Copeland %% The man who runs may fight again. -- Menander %% The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes. %% The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. %% The man who sees both sides of a question is a man who sees absolutely nothing. -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) %% The man who sees the consistency in things is a wit, the man who sees the inconsistency in things is a humorist. -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936) %% The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. -- Old Japanese proverb %% The man who understands one woman is qualified to understand pretty well everything. -- William Butler Yeats %% The man who will live above his present circumstances is in great danger of living in a little time much beneath them. -- Addison %% The man whom I call Dr. A. Is past master at love and at play. At hugging and kissing-- (The remainder is missing For I won't give my secrets away.) %% The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed. -- Norton %% The management question, therefore, is not WHETHER to build a pilot system and throw it away. You WILL do that. The question is whether to plan in advance to build a throwaway, or promise to deliver the throwaway to customers. -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., 'The Mythical Man-Month' %% The manager asks you not to use the merchandise. %% The manner of giving, shows the character of the giver, more than the gift itself. -- Lavater %% The map is extremely old and dates from ancient egypt. It shows a route popular at the time for sailing to the shores of the sahara desert. %% The map is tightly rolled and seems quite large. %% The map shows a long canyon shaped mine. The main shaft runs east-west into the mountain. Off the main shaft lie many short narrow side-trails. Other scribbles indicate that some of the side-trails were the sites of excavation. %% The march of the human mind is slow. -- Edmund Burke %% The margin is very marginal. %% The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to die humbly for one. -- Wilhelm Stekel %% The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul %% The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is marxism. -- Heidi Hartmann, "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism" %% The marrying maiden as a concubine. A lame man who is able to tread. Undertakings bring good fortune. %% The marrying maiden as a slave. She marries as a concubine. %% The marrying maiden draws out the allotted time. A late marriage comes in due course. %% The master class has always brought a war and the subject class has always fought the battle. The master class has had all to gain and nothing to lose, and the subject class has had all to lose and nothing to gain. -- Eugene V. Debs (1855-1926) %% The master programmer moves form program to program without fear. No change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project is cancelled. Why is this? He is filled with Tao. %% The master's eye makes the horse fat. %% The match has gone out. %% The match is out. %% The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. -- Bulwer %% The materials of action are variable, but the use we make of them should be constant. -- Epictetus %% The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time. %% The maxim that "Honesty is the best policy" is one which, perhaps, no one is ever habitually guided by in practice. An honest man is always before it, and a knave is generally behind it. -- Whately %% The meaning of a word is what is explained by the explanation of the meaning. -- Ludwig Wittgenstein, "Philosophical Investigations" %% The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means. -- Saul Alinsky %% The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out. -- Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800-1859) %% The measure of choosing well is whether a man likes what he has chosen. -- Lamb %% The measure of man is what he does with power. -- Pittacus %% The mechanistic world view, taking the play of physical particles as ultimate reality, found its expression in a civilization which glorifies physical technology that has led eventually to the catastrophes of our time. Possibly the model of the world as a great organization can help to reinforce the sense of reverence for the living which we have almost lost in the last sanguinary decades of human history. -- Ludwig von Bertalanffy %% The meek can inherit the earth -- the rest of us have other plans. %% The meek don't want it. %% The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections ... about 6 by 3. %% The meek shall inherit the Earth. In three foot by six foot plots. -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love" %% The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you %% The meek shall inherit the earth, one meter wide and two meters long. %% The meek shall inherit the earth. Are you ready? %% The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe. %% The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that time there won't be anything left worth inheriting. %% The meek will inherit the Earth..... The rest of us will go to the stars. %% The meek will inherit the earth ... in pine boxes six feet long by ... %% The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. -- Carl Jung %% The melting glacier seems to have carried the torch away, leaving you in the dark. %% The men and women are lifting the world upward and onward are those who encourage more than criticize. %% The men who succeed are the efficient few. They are the few who have the ambition and will power to develop themselves. -- Herbert N. Casson %% The mere act of hearing or reading wise statements and sound advice does little for anyone. In the process of learning, the learner's dynamic cooperation is required. %% The merit of originality is not novelty; it is sincerity. -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881) %% The meter now registers 'no flow'. %% The military is developing artificial intelligence because that way they can have the perfect fighting man - smart enough to understand what he's been told to do, but stupid enough that he never questions why. %% The mind is an iceberg -- it floats with only one-seventh of its bulk over water. -- Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) %% The mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven. What matter